


Make the woman in doubt disappear

by Nabila



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Depression, F/M, Healing, Jealousy, Lyanna is not Jon's mom, problematic behaviour, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:32:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 46,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8270992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nabila/pseuds/Nabila
Summary: A story of a great love and a journey through sorrow and forgiveness. EDIT: I'm taking a veeeeeeery long break. Actually, I don't know how long it will be, I lost any will, desire, joy to write. When I post, I end up getting more upset by the lack of response other than be happy for my work without caring what others think and it's killing whatever is good about fanfics.All the one shots and series will be deleted, simply because I don't want to leave my work here with me being inactive. Guess I'm pretty selfish ahaha, but I wanna give time to whoever enjoyed them to download them. I want to end MTWIDD, cause I'm very attached to this story and it deserves a decent ending, although I know I let down most of the readers and I'm sorry I couldn't keep up with your expectations. Anyway, I will finish it.I'm so sorry, I promised to not quit, but it's stronger than me. I no longer have fun, no longer enjoy writing. I hope the Jonsa fandom will keep giving you hundreds of fics :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a one shot written for my Bday (October 12, here it's already the 13th), then I realized I might turn it into a story of forgiveness.

A few weeks since she'd been back into his life. She had been gone for so long, a distant memory by now, yet she was there, back reclaiming what it was hers.  
She was a free woman, she loved traveling and being independent, what Jon had been asking her for years was a burden to her, too much to handle, responsibilities at that time she couldn’t bear.

Sansa admired her freedom, her recklessness, her fierceness, not her irresponsibility though. She wished to be a bit more like her, she wished Jon would look at her the way he looked at his loved one. _Ygritte._

There was a time in Sansa's life, in which her biggest desire was to resemble her, for Jon to notice her mere existence - thinner, skin whiter than milk, blue-grey eyes and her hair red like fire— Sansa herself had deep blue eyes and a different shade of red hair, but apparently her own beauty didn’t catch Jon’s eyes. Back then, she had dreamed to be her in his arms, she had ached to have him only for a night in her bed. For so long, she had desired him with burning fire and for way too long, she had had to sit and watch him basking in their unique, rare, immense love.

Oh she remembered well what it was like to be invisible, to be considered nothing more than Robb’s little sister. She remembered the days she prepared her possible dialogue with Jon, she studied the details of an informal conversation with him in front of the mirror of her room. When he arrived, she ran downstair and he would go past her with a simple “Hi” said in tight lips, Robb would give her a sympathetic look and would mouth “sorry”.  
She used to pity herself for all the efforts to be noticed and liked by Jon, her mom surely didn’t appreciate how Jon would reduce her baby girl “you must not destroy yourself for him” that’s what she said to Sansa “ you are your own person, you must not be like Ygritte, never. Do not ever dream to be her, If he cannot see you, the loss will be his”  
She was right.  
When Ygritte left for good, Sansa had decided to be by his side and comfort him like a good friend would do. It was by then, they started to know each other and when the pain became a distant memory, love became reality.  
“he sees me now” she smiled up at her mom, incredulous at what was happening. Yes, he saw her for the girl she was, though a sheer doubt crept into her “my red hair”. _Her_ red hair.  
But it was impossible he was with her only because the color of her hair reminded him of Ygritte. How could it be? Such a tiny, little detail it was. No, it couldn’t be.

  
The day she came back, Jon didn’t talk all day long. She gave him the right amount of time to process her come back _“it’s just for now, he will get used to it”_ she thought. She knew she had left a mark on him, she had destroyed him, shattered his heart the day she left, it would just a matter of time before getting used to the idea of Ygritte back in Winterfell. Then everything would be back to normal.  
Weeks passed by, weeks of suffering, weeks made of long silence, no dates, no intimacy, no touch. She was worried something was happening, she was willing to give him space and time for a few days, but not weeks. She wouldn’t allow it, she wouldn’t allow him to hurt her that way. She wasn’t that fragile girl who would dream to be Ygritte only to be with him. No, she was stronger than that.  
  
One night she waited for him in his home to talk. She waited and waited and waited. He should have been home at 7 p.m., it was 12 a.m. and no sign of him yet.  
_“He’s with her”_ she whispered to herself a single tear down her cheek.  
The sound of a key reached her ear, finally he was home  
“Sansa? why are you here?” disheveled curls, tie in his hand  
“I…I wanted to talk” she attempted not to look at him  
“sorry, I had other things to do” he stuttered  
“what things?”  
“mmm just a friend to meet up” he looked nervous  
“well, I’m going home” she hoped he would stop her and ask her to stay, she was his girlfriend after all.  
She was heading toward the door, her hand on the knob. He stopped her. He called her name in the hallway, a smile of pure relief forming on her lips, not knowing the next words he would say to her, would eventually break her in half.

“I slept with her”

She stayed still. Somehow paralyzed, mouth agape, wide eyes. Desperation was crawling into her, slowly, quietly the realization hit her.

“why?” she asked with a lump in her throat

He didn’t answer.

“tell me why” she was firm

“it just….happened” she turned around, he was staring at the floor, but she could witness a veil of misery and regret all over his face

“it. just. happened.” bitterness in her voice “I see”

with that, she grabbed the knob of the door and flew away

  
He tried to call her for then next week, he went to her home, waited for her outside, but nothing. No way to contact her, to see her, she was like a ghost.

One night, he heard the bell of the door. Sansa was outside “Sansa…”  
she rushed past him, went into his room and started to collect things “what are you doing?”  
“taking my stuff” she said calmly  
“no, come on. Let’s talk”  
“there’s nothing to talk about, Jon” she wasn’t angry, she wasn’t raging like he expected. She just seemed exhausted.  
“yes, there is. I made a mistake, we need to…”  
“don’t. Don’t say anything else, no explanation needed” she almost whispered  
“why are you like that?” he entangled his hands in his curls.  
She headed toward the living room, but he forcefully grabbed her arm “ Hit me, Punch me, Slap me. Damn it Sansa. I need you to react. HURT ME FOR FUCK’S SAKE” he yelled  
she looked him straight in the eyes “I don’t have it in me”  
She walked through the kitchen to see if there was anything left. Before leaving him, she felt like telling him the only thought in her mind  
“I look at you and I see you in her bed and I feel nothing” she lied to him and to herself.  
The belief of being untouched by that event, was the best she could afford to do and maybe it was an unconscious way to hurt him through her indifference, the only weapon she knew to hit him and break him.

He drank for several weeks, alcohol turned out to be a way to cope with sorrow. He was still alone, no one by his side, not even Robb. His best friend took it badly, more than he thought. He had warned him when he got together with Sansa, any harm done to her would be unforgivable and would put to risk their long friendship. But Robb couldn't stay away from his friend, he needed just a tiny chat with him to understand better, he needed to keep a check on him

"I miss her, Robb"  he sobbed "I can't live without her, I need her. Ygritte was just....just a weakness of the moment, It would never happen again. I promise, I love her " Robb, seated on the couch, struggled to really believe him. He knew what Ygritte meant to him and found it difficult to believe he was over her "you don't have to promise me, you have to convince Sansa. But I'll be honest with you, I can't entirely believe you, that woman has done more damage than good in your life, but you keep going back to her like a magnet" he was dead serious "If you really want to be with my sister, win her back. Flowers, smiles and sex won't be enough. It has to be more than that, you'll have to gain her trust all over again, it won't easy" Jon breathed deeply, Robb put so much pressure on him, but he deserved it. If he wanted Sansa back in his life, the best was certainly expected from him "I'll do it, Robb. Everything I can. I love her, not Ygritte, not any other girl. I'm in love with Sansa"


	2. Chapter 2

“Sansa…may I come in?” Robb knocked at the open door of her room. She was packing her stuff in utter silence. She nodded.

“I talked to Jon” she shut her eyes “he’s devastated, he barely goes to work and is almost always drunk”

“should I care?” 

“you’ve been in love with him since…well since he walked into this house” she took two steps and landed his hands over her shoulders, her back to him “don’t lie to me, I know what you feel for him. It doesn’t go away that quickly, this indifference is a facade and you know it”

She set down the shoes she was grasping and turned towards him “and what do you expect me to do? go back to him and forgive him? forget about it? How Robb? HOW?” she was struggling to hold back those stinging tears, they chased her incessantly everywhere, she hoped they would dry on their own, eventually.

“I don’t know!! I know he’s in love with you”

she scoffed “no, he’s not.”

“Yes, he is! give him the chance to show it to you” he cried out

“He thinks to be in love with me” she deadly stared at him “but he never was and never will be. She comes first, she is the one he wants. Let him suffer because of her, we all know she’ll be leaving all over again, but I’m not going to stay here and watch all of this unfold, not for him. I’ve done enough, I’ve waited enough and at the end..it was all in vain” we wetted her lips  
He opened his mouth and thought about something to prove her wrong, but he was well aware the truth lay in her words

“You don’t have to defend him. I know you’re torn, but you don’t have to choose sides, I’ll be your sister, always, and he'll always be your best friend, I’m not asking you to stop this long friendship with him, I’ll never do that.” she faked a smile

“alright, I just want you to be happy. Are you sure of this?” he said pointing at her packed stuff

“yes, I need my space, I need to go away"

"he still doesn't know"

“well, in time he'll know. Just please promise me not to tell him where I am”

"I won't, trust me" he stared at her with his deep, blue eyes with such tenderness that she would melt into his arms  
He then kissed her forehead and left.  
She took a piece of paper and pen, she sat in front of her desk and started to write  
That same night, she walked to his house, placed the folded letter in his mailbox and ambled away.

 

Jon woke up the next morning- red eyes, messy hair, huge dark circles under the eyes, he reeked of alcohol.  
“Good morning pretty boy” he looked up and sat up immediately 

“what the hell are you doing here?” his voice hoarse

“after that incredible night I hoped for a warmer good morning” Ygritte was right there, in front of his eyes “it’s been weeks, why are you here??”

“I want to start again” she said with such simplicity, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“what???”

“you and me. Just like once. You love me, I love you. I’m ready, Jon”

“ygritte no, there’s no way. I need to get up and go to work” he said with his hands all over his face “and how did you get in??”

“apparently locking the door is not your priority, at least last night” she smiled

“whatever, just go away” he got up, got straight to the bathroom to fix the mess state his face was in

“I’m not gong anywhere” she startled him “I want you, only you”  
he shook his head and tried to step out of the loo, but she blocked the way

“Ygritte for fuck’s sake, I have to go”

“ I love when you’re so broody, seems like your bad temper even worsened. I like it” she bit her lips 

he deeply sighed “ Nothing is going to happen. It’s over.” he was two inches away from her lips “I have to get back to Sansa”

“who? the rebound girl? come on, seriously?” she laughed

“she’s not a rebound. I love her” he moved her arm and went straight to get dressed

“did you love her when we had sex that night?” a mischievous tone in her voice 

“it was a mistake, not gonna happen again”

“I didn’t get the impression you were thinking about her when you took me and penetrated me like an animal”

“GET THE FUCK OUT” he yelled with every fiber of his being, took her arm and dragged her outside

“WAIT” she shouted from outside “I found this in your mailbox, I guess it’s from her. Gosh, she's so boring, she could just text you and she wastes her time writing” he rip it out of her hands and shut the door, not listening to a word she was saying

The envelope had only his name written in her beautiful cursive handwriting. He leaned against the door and slid down.  
He opened the letter

  
_Dear Jon,_

_As all things in life, our story together has come to an end._  
_I won’t lie to you, I've always known deep in my heart, it would only be a matter of time before she’d be back into your life, messing with you like she has always done. You craved to have her back, I saw it in your absent eyes so many times, I felt it when you were physically with me, but your mind visibly engrossed in and rapt with the only memory of her._  
_I blame myself for believing that I could replace her. In heart, body and mind._  
_Stupid girl stuck with her stupid dreams._  
_You will keep going back to her as soon as she's giving you the chance to have her back, I forced myself to figure out why, but there’s no answer when it comes to love. I let myself caught in the middle of you two, hoping you’d understand one day that she’s not worthy, sadly it was just a waste of my time._  
_I blame myself for the strength I injected into me, for pining over you even when I knew you wouldn’t notice my presence._

_Now I step aside, I’m out of the picture, hurt and heartbroken as you’ve always left me._  
_But I’m going to heal, my heart will be mended soon and you will be just an elusive memory of my past._  
_For this to happen, I've decided to move to another city, far away from you and her._

  
_Take care of yourself,_

_Sansa_

 

He read the letter three times before bursting into tears and breaking down into an uncontrollable sobbing. Devastation crept over his face, breathing was becoming more and more difficult and erratic, his heart was about to explode, his limbs unable to move.  
Only in that moment he realized he lost her forever, the realization she wouldn’t be back to him was tearing him apart “what have I done?” he shrieked  
Why did he sacrifice the most beautiful, pure, incredible thing he’s ever had in his life for something that no longer existed?  
Why was it so easy for him to lose her?

His phone rang.Robb.

“hey Jon, I need to talk about Sansa”

“She’s gone, isn’t she?” Robb hardly got the words, but he knew the answer

“yes, this morning” he heard a suffocated sob “stay there, don’t move. I’m coming”

 

House Stark was 5 minutes away from Jon’s house, Robb ran to him. Jon needed his best friend, his brother more than ever. He found him on the couch with a piece of paper in hands

“what’s that?” Jon handed him the letter and he read it

“damn it, Jon” he shook his head 

“I…I get it she didn’t want to forgive me, she has every reason, but leaving? where is she now?”  
Robb didn’t say anything “Robb, tell me”

“I can’t. she let everyone promise not to tell you, she warned me”

“you can’t be serious…” when Robb avoided his look, Jon sat up and leaned his head in shock

“this is ridiculous” 

“I’m here for you, for whatever you need, I’m here”

“I need to know where she’s gone”

“ not that. I can’t, she’s my sister and she trusts me. You already…” he closed his mouth and bit his bottom lip

“what? say it Robb! Say it!” he snapped at him, ready to break down all over again

“You already lost her trust. I can’t let her down too” 

That trust they had built with so much work and effort, that trust Jon had struggled to gain was lost.  
Sansa loved him, loved him more than herself, yet trust had been a high challenge for her to achieve; his love for Ygritte scared her, intimidated her, made her weak and belittled what she had with Jon, he was aware of that and made everything possible to prove her wrong.He destroyed this trust. He stamped on it and made it a heap of dust.

Jon was still in a state of total desperation. Robb sat beside him and hugged him, just like he would hug his little brothers Bran or Rickon, who would come to their big brother seeking comfort and help.  
“all I can tell you is that she wants to be alone, not just from you, but everyone. She needs to work on herself”

“It’s all my fault” 

“no, not completely” Robb wasn’t trying soothe his mood, he really believed Jon wasn't the only reason of her departure. She had to dig deep down and find her true self, she had to learn how to love herself completely and not only in relation to Jon.  
And Robb believed Jon needed this path as well, being tied up to Ygritte and this imagination he had built up in his mind of a possible life with her, was his sickness and he had to heal from that.  
Robb promised to himself to help him go through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone reading this and loves Ygritte, this is not a story to denigrate her as a character. In a AU world I imagine her like a free woman, who needs her space and wants to travel, but Jon is not really keen on following her, though their love and attraction is what keeps Jon going back to her and Ygritte always finding a way back to him.  
> She's not the bad guy of the story. I really want you to understand, there's no bad guy here. As I specified in the summary it's a story of great sorrow and forgiveness, because I do believe forgiveness is real.
> 
> This is a journey for both Sansa and Jon not only as a couple, but as individuals.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter comes later than I expected, but richard madden is ruining my life and I had to stop writing, I just couldn't focus.  
> Anyway, It's short and maybe not that emotional as the others, but I hope you like it!

Aunt Lyanna was a single woman living in the south, far away from her family in the North. She had decided to live that way, she loved it there, loved the weather, loved the people, loved the sea.  
Sansa contacted her a week after it all went down, she understood what she needed and accepted to take her in her house. She already knew Jon and his story with Ygritte, as a matter of fact she quite struggled to understand why her little niece would fight so hard for such man; as an independent woman, who didn’t need a man to live her life in utter tranquillity and peace, she hoped for Sansa to distance herself from him and becoming a stronger woman.

“are you sure I’m not bothering you here?”

“honey, you’re always welcome. Make yourself comfortable, this is your home now” she smiled

“thank you aunt”

“do you want to talk about it?”

Sansa sighed, aware that Lyanna would give her own interpretation and opinion on Jon’s action, she did it before and nothing would stop her now.

“why did he do it? I don’t understand” she looked down at her feet. A shroud of defeat surrounding her, Lyanna in that moment realized what Jon truly had done to her.

“I can’t tell you what passed through his mind when he did it, but as you’ve told me many times, this girl has always been part of the picture, she’s been there all the time. You just couldn’t notice her presence”

“oh no I’ve known she was there since day one of our relationship, I just…pretended, lied to myself that he would forget her. It never happened, we were a happy couple, made it work, but if I look at the photo we took together, there’s her between us, like a ghost following me” she sat on the couch and leaned down her head

“Sansa, that was the problem since you and him got together. You’ve loved him more than he ever deserved and you’ve allowed this love to blind you and control your life. It’s not healthy, it’s not who I want you to become” she sat beside her and brushed a hand on her arm “you’re such a beautiful, strong woman, you could be whoever you want to be, shaping your life to your own will. Why did you invest so much time with him?”

“I loved him, I still love him. He has something, I can’t explain what, but there’s something that keeps dragging me towards him. That’s why I’ve come here, home is home but I need a new place to start over” Sansa was weeping, a blend of different emotions in her: the sorrow Jon left in her, the hope of forgetting everything he ever meant to her and the joy to finally get her life together.

“the last thing I want is to see you grieving. There’s nothing to grieve, he made his choice, long before even cheating on you, don’t let him get into you again” She hugged her niece and kissed her head. “ok now, get up. We got errands to run, I want to show you the city and tonight I invited a few friends to come over”

“wow you’ve already planned everything!” 

“well only for today, but surely we’ll find what to do for the next weeks” Sansa wasn’t surprised by her aunt’s effort to help her, that was the reason why she had decided to come to her in the first place. 

Going out with Lyanna was probably the best decision she could take, the city was full of life, colorful, the people were friendly and welcoming. She had visited this place before with her family, mostly during their vacations, but Sansa never explored the city, never met other people, she just loved spending her time at the beach with her siblings.  
She never got to see certain aspects of the city and it was just beautiful. This sunny place might turn out to be the antidote Sansa wickedly and awfully longed for. 

 

Jon made it to the end of every day with Robb’s help. He was destroying himself, losing every fiber of decency left in him and falling into a state of deep depression. He called Sansa at least 15 times a day, his heart beating fast at the thought she might answer sooner or later, at times he thought it’d explode if he ever would be given the chance to hear her voice once more.

“she’s going to change her number, if you keep going on” Robb told him “you have to stop calling her, leave her alone, she doesn’t want to talk to you” they were at Jon’s, he was still not allowed to enter house Stark. 

“I need to speak with her once, just once Robb. I need to tell her things I never told her, it’s important, Please, please” he was begging him 

“No Jon, I won’t let you do that”

“WHY?”

“because you fucking need to sort things out first and I don’t mean with Sansa!”

“Robb…” he said with a warning tone

“No Jon, I’m here for you, but she’s MY SISTER and if she wants you to back off, you’re going to fucking back off. Going back to Sansa would be hurting her all over again, don’t you realize that? it’s like a stab right through her heart. She doesn’t deserve this, she never deserved it” Robb’s wrath was boiling into him, he did want to help him, but it was hard to support Jon and protect his sister “and I’d like to remind you I made a promise and I won’t break it”

“and what should I do?”

“it’s time to put an end to this thing you have with Ygritte. Take it or leave it, you can’t go on with this on and off relationship forever”

“I don’t want Ygritte, I love your sister”

“not enough. Ygritte is constantly around the corner to pop up and do whatever she wants with you”

“it’s not like this”

“IT IS! you fucking cheated on my sister with her!! don’t lie to me Jon” 

“she came to me the day Sansa left”

“what?” Robb looked at him in disbelief “and when did you plan to tell me?”

“I was afraid you’d get mad”

“at this point, it’s better you tell me everything. What happened?” 

“she told me she wants to start again for real, apparently she’s ready” he entangled his fingers in his curls and covered his face

“do you want to be back with her?” Jon waited 5 seconds before answering

“No.”

“that was long pause. For a man who professes to love only my sister, that pause was way too long and if Sansa were here, she’d be gone by now, again” Robb, always so honest, real, never afraid to tell the truth

“Ygritte..has been this possibility for me since we’ve know each other, I know she’ll come to me as much as I know she’ll be gone soon”

“it’s no excuse, you had Sansa this time. Why wasn’t she enough?” Robb was desperately looking for an answer

“She is!! she’s all I want, the one I want. It was a mistake, I wouldn’t do it again”

“you sure?”

“That morning Ygritte came to me, she appeared in my bedroom, she was clearly ready to have me, she wanted me and she offered me what I’ve asked for so many years and I pushed her out of my house” Robb frowned “you don’t believe me? Jesus Robb, I’d never lie to you”

“you had her in front of you begging you to start over and you..you kicked her out?” an half-smile crossed his face

“yeah, I did, I was angry, I was devastated and I did it.”

“I have to say, it’s a step, a tiny one, but it’s step forward”

“see?”

“still not enough, idiot. You still need to talk to Ygritte, talk to her, be honest with each other and figure out what you want from each other” Jon nodded

“gosh I was sure you’d beat me up after what I did” he chuckled

“if you chuckle again, I can put this right” he was dead serious 

“sorry”

 

Jon craved to have Sansa back, he admitted to himself that at times he was absent during their relationship, the hard truth was that he had taken her for granted. Robb had told him about his sister’s love for him the first time he broke up with Ygritte, at that time he didn’t take her into consideration, she was too little, so different from him and he couldn’t imagine to be with Robb’s sister. After years, to his surprise she was still in love with him, she was the one by his side when ygritte was gone and he appreciated her more than he thought possible.  
His feelings for Sansa were genuine, real, pure, he had with her what he never had with ygritte and for some fucked up reason he threw it away.  
What needed to be done was to erase from his life his past with his ex and start over again with Sansa, no matter how long he had to wait for her to be ready, he’d be waiting forever if he had to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so anxious about this chapter, I don't know if you're gonna like it.
> 
> And one more thing. The characters' ages:
> 
> Jon/Robb: 25  
> Sansa: 22  
> Lyanna:37
> 
>  
> 
> yeah there's no much big difference between Sansa and Lyanna, but I prefer this way. Ned is way older than Lyanna, he's 47.

Jon stopped calling her, her phone at some point stopped buzzing every hour a day. She thought more than once to pick up the call, just to listen to his voice. Her aunt was there to prevent that from happening “don’t. don’t be weak” she told her.

Yes, she knew it, she knew hearing Jon was her weakness, she couldn’t allow herself to reach that low point all over again. The last time he ever gave her a call it was late at night, just back from a night out with two girls her aunt introduced her.  
She was euphoric, happy, for the first time she spent a night with a Jon-free mind, she was finding peace in a place she never thought would become the remedy to her shattered life.  
That night she had no intention to see his name on her phone anymore, no intention to find dozens of calls from him. Not anymore.  
For all she cared, he could go back to his _perfect, pretty_ girl, drown in pain for her and suffer all his life. She had enough and wanted to be free of him.

She warned Robb “if he calls me one more time I’ll change number. Tell him. He’s dead to me, make it stop Robb”. He didn’t answer back, he took the information and went on asking how it was at Lyanna’s. After that, no sign of Jon.

  
Weeks passed by, at first she found a part-time job in a restaurant as waitress, where she met fine people to hang out with, after a while she took an interest in attending a college course to eventually get a proper job and totally depend on herself, she didn’t want to be a waitress all her life and surely didn’t want to depend on someone else. Back home she had sporadic jobs earning her some money, but not enough to be completely independent, her father and Robb would help her, even Jon offered to lend her money when she needed it, but she always categorically refused. She could accept money from her family, but not from Jon.  
Her dream would be to open her own activity, for that she needed more money that she ever owned, possibly a business partner and economic, management knowledge she still had to acquire.  
Lyanna obviously pushed her to risk for once, to take a leap and realize her dreams, she didn’t have anyone to think about, no restrain, no senseless obstacle “you’re still so young Sansa, it’s not late to go to college. I’ll help you”. She was so supportive and encouraging, she believed in her and her potential and Sansa slowly started to believe in herself.

For the time being, the job at the restaurant would be good enough to start earning some money. Her boss wasn’t easy on her, but her colleagues were becoming good friends and tips were getting higher day after day. There was a particular man that kept leaving generous tips on a daily basis, but only if served by Sansa. The few times another waitress served him, the tip got back to the normal amount of money and everyone noticed it.  
He was there every single day during lunch, he seemed nice to everyone, really gentle and sweet. Tall, short blond hair, smile that cut like a knife and mesmerizing green eyes. He was handsome like no one she ever met in her life.  
To her surprise, that man was friend with the owner of the restaurant, chatted with him really often during his lunch break, though he seemed pretty distracted as Sansa passed by to serve.  
It was clear he had taken an interest in her and Sansa couldn’t be left unaffected by such beautiful and intimidating man.

Despite numerous stares, he never approached her, never introduced himself, only warming smiles directed to her and then nothing. She noticed he was way older than her, maybe that was what was holding him back _“come on he’s a man after all, why would he miss a chance?”_

Always wearing a suit, he was one of the most elegant men she met in her life, except maybe… _“fuck no, that man is the sexiest one in a suit.period.”_ She closed her eyes, it was not even possible that fuckboy was still creeping into her head.

One day, something she didn't expect happened

“need anything else, sir?”

 

“Do I look that old?” he grinned

she coughed, unable to say anything comprehensible “sso…sorry?” she seemed like she was about to fall down

“sir…I feel like a really old guy” he said sweetly, with a tone of sarcasm

“you’re not, I mean I..I just..I’m very formal at work” she was literally sweating, but at least she formulated a sentence

“maybe the suit is not helping my cause” he smiled

_"oh no, that suit is just FINE, I’d tear that shirt off of you. Oh god what am I thinking?"_

“the suit is good, how do you want me to call you then?” where all this sassiness was coming from, she had no idea

He chuckled and looked at her with those intense green eyes “call me Jaime”

“oh, so we go by name now”

“do you mind Sansa?”

“ no, not at all” she blushed “pity I didn’t have the chance to reveal my name”

“your name tag is too visible not to read it” he laughed

“good then. I have to go back to work, some costumers are waiting”

“sorry, I had no intention of holding you back from your duties”

“Don’t worry, Have a nice day…Jaime” she turned around to head towards another table

“see you tomorrow”

“sure” she smiled like a 13 year old 

  
He was way older than her, at least 15 years older, he might be her aunt’s age.

 _"What the hell am I thinking? going out with a man like him? going out? who talked about going out??"_  
She was on her way back home, mind filled with thoughts about that man, the idea of telling her aunt was tempting, but there was nothing to talk about. He didn’t ask her out, didn’t make any move on her, maybe flirted a little bit? just a little bit, it meant nothing though.

_“And what would she say about it?”_

She breathed and decided to wait a bit, wait to see if Jaime would ask her out or something. It was both a weird and exciting situation. She couldn’t deny she felt completely fascinated by him, as a matter of fact as he was leaving the restaurant in all his glory, she was actually turned on. But she wouldn’t give up so easily, she had to pay attention, she had to be careful of men, of who she would allow to be in her life.

 

  
Jon was slowly recovering, pulling himself together day after day and Robb played a huge part in this. He missed Sansa, missed everything about her. He missed her long, soft,red hair, her big blue eyes, her long skinny neck. He missed her smile,her laugh, her voice. He missed her talking about her day, even about her problems. He missed touching her, to be touched by her. She left such a void in him, it was unbearable.

  
At the end, He called Ygritte, asked her to meet her in private. She sounded thrilled, most probably misunderstanding his real intentions of that meeting.

He invited her in his house, a way to show to Robb and above all to himself, he didn’t need to meet Ygritte in a public space to contain himself. He wouldn’t kiss her, he wouldn’t touch her, he wouldn’t need to sleep with her, not even in a private place with just the two of them.

“Ygritte” he said opening the door

“Finally” she said jumping on him. Really gracefully, he took her waist and pulled her away from him

“what? are you afraid she sees us this way outside your house?”

“please come in. We need to talk”

She did as instructed and sat on the couch waiting for him to speak.

“I prepared so many things to say and right now I can’t remember a thing” he laughed at himself wandering around the room

“Jon…” she was serious

“we can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore”

“I told you I’m ready to settle down, to have a family, to..”

“I don’t want to” she was taken aback

“you always wanted this”

“not with you. Not anymore.”

“you kidding me? this thing we have, it can’t be over”

“I’ve not been in a relationship with Sansa to wait for you to come back. Things change, I’ve changed so much since she’s come into my life. I love her and I want everything with her”

“and what about that night?” she was almost crying, a first for Ygritte

“seeing you after so long made me lose my mind, I thought that I still wanted you, I was still grasping at the memory of loving you. And it was a fucking mistake that made me lose the love of my life” he was still struggling at the realization that Sansa wasn’t in his life anymore

“you love her that much?” she was truly befuddled by such statement

“ I love her more than I’ve ever loved you, losing her was the final realization. I hurt her and I can’t forgive myself for what I did to her, I’m going on with my life, because I have to, but I’m barely breathing, I’m barely staying afloat” he was on the verge to break down, again.

She stood up and looked Jon in the eyes “and why did you call me? what’s the point of this?” she was really irritated

“I need to clear things up with you. We’ve been on this weird relationship, we break up, you leave, then come back and want me back. On and on and on again to the point I fell out of love with you. This is end, it’s over. You can do whatever you want in your life, be who you want, be with who you want, just don’t come to me anymore”

“she’s really replaced me, uh?” she said crossing her arms

“no, she hasn’t. There’s no replacing here, no rebound. It’s her taking the most important place in my heart that’s always been void, she took it for no one else to take it” he was feeling the pain all over again, suffering was the only constant thing in his life and he still wasn’t used to that.

“wow. you’re desperate,I’ve never seen you this way” her tone indicated a new level of understanding of the situation. Realization was hitting like a truck, actually even worse than that.

“it’s a first for me too”

“I can’t say I’m happy, but..”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just needed to be honest with you once and for all”

“I can say we’ve never ever had such a serious conversation, it’s weird” she chuckled

“it was about time” he said with much sweeter voice

“it hurts to say it, but yeah it was about time” a tear finally streaming down

“it’s time to say goodbye”

she nodded “can I hug you one last time?”

“yeah, why not”

she hugged him really tight “I’m sorry for everything I ever did, for what I put you through. I’m really sorry”

as she pulled back from the hug, he gave her a tight-lipped smile “good luck for everything Ygritte”

  
As soon as she walked out of his house, he felt a huge weight in his stomach finally disappearing, yet that void in him was more present than ever and he had no clue what to do with it. Ending things with Ygritte was one thing, but what about now? he still was alone, without Sansa. Nothing would bring her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, please tell me what you think. I wasn't really sure about Jaime.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter after so long. Hope you like it

“what am I doing? why am I here? he’s gonna beat the crap out of me” 

Jon was standing right in front of the Stark House. He hadn’t been in there for months, no member of the family, except for Robb, would speak to him. They were family, they treated him like one of them, yet when he got together with Sansa, not all of them showed such joy at the news. Catelyn was the only one who came to him once and spoke freely about her concerns, by then he had promised her he wouldn’t have hurt her daughter, he had promised he was ready to fully commit to her, he had promised many things, he even had sworn Ygritte was forgotten, there was nothing to worry about.  
He was foolish enough to promise something at that time he wasn't already sure about.  
Ned on the other hand only wanted his baby girl to be happy and if Jon was the one to provide that for her, that would be enough for him

Jon stepped forward, after a few minutes he knocked at the door. He was expecting Ned or Cat to open it, instead he found Arya. He smiled at the sight of her, he thought she of all people could see past his mistakes, but she didn’t reciprocate the smile, replaced by a look of resentment.

“what do you want, Jon?” she snapped  
“I…I’ve come to see your parents”  
“you’re not welcome here”  
“Arya please, let me talk, let me explain”  
“I already know enough. Robb told me everything, I don’t know how you could make up any further excuses”  
“I’m not here to make up excuses, I just…”  
“what?”  
“I need her back Arya” he simply said  
“you’re kidding right?”   
“Arya…” he felt a bit shocked   
“no Jon, don’t be surprised, you don’t have any right to be”  
“I know. I know I made a mistake, a huge, horrible mistake. But I need to fix it”  
She chuckled “ok, what do you expect to find here then?”  
“I don’t know where she’s gone, Robb wouldn’t tell me and..” he sighed “it’s a suicide mission showing up here, but I have to try”  
“I’m not gonna tell you, she’s my sister, I love her and if she doesn’t want you to know, i won’t tell you” she looked straight at him in the eyes  
“then, please call your dad, tell him I’m here”  
“alright” she turned around and stopped after a few steps “Jon, you’re not the enemy here, I still love you, all of us still love you, but you did hurt her in the worst way possible, I need time”  
“thank you Arya”  
she disappeared behind the stairs. A few minutes later Ned was in front of him  
“Jon come in, please” he smiled at him, that fatherly smile he had not seen for so long “don’t be scared, I’m not THAT angry” Jon let out a sigh of relief  
“why are you here?”  
“I’m sorry Ned”  
“I know you are. I asked Robb about you and told me everything, on the other hand Cat is not really…keen on seeing you”  
“I don’t blame her…but Ned, I need to know where to find her”  
“I’m not sure I can help”  
“she doesn’t want to see me and I swear I’m not planning in doing anything wrong, just talk to her. I have to apologize”  
Ned seemed torn “Jon, I have be honest" he said as he sat on the couch" I’m not mad anymore, sure you hurt my daughter, you’re the reason why she left, but you’ve been part of this family for many years now, you’re like a son to me and it would be unfair to treat you any differently now. You made a mistake, we all do in life and despite what happened, I know you’re a good person, I know deep down you didn’t want to hurt Sansa” Jon kept his eyes fixed on the floor, unable to meet Ned’s gaze. He was an incredible man, capable of great understanding and forgiveness. Jon knew where Sansa’s compassion and empathy came from, she took so much from her father and the resemblance with the man who helped him the most after losing his own family, made Jon feeling more guilty.  
“She doesn’t want you to find her, but I can tell you she went to a place where she thinks she can go on with her life, she’s with a person really dear to her, to us. A person close to our family who can give her a little help, that’s all I can tell you”  
“do I know this person?”  
“yes”  
“ thank you Ned”  
“i’m sure you’ll figure it out and I trust you to not do anything stupid”  
“I won’t”

 

As he was walking back to his house, he was thinking about this person  
“someone dear to the family, who? aunt Lysa? no she’s not that close to her, uncle Edmure? what could he give to her? what kind of help?”  
“ aunt Lysa? uncle Edmure?” Robb shouted from the back  
apparently Robb was following him and Jon was rambling out loud  
“so, I see my father didn’t beat you up” he ran to him, standing by his side  
“he helped me”  
“what?” Robb froze “why?”  
“he doesn’t hate me as you all expected. He told me she’s with a person I know”  
“damn mom will be so mad”  
“Margaery? is she with Marg?”  
“what?” Robb frowned “Margaery and Sansa had a fight months ago, they don’t talk anymore”  
“oh”  
“oh? right, she had that fight the week Ygritte came back to town, not that you would have cared about Sansa in that moment”  
“Robb, please”  
“i'm telling you the truth. If you’ll find Sansa, much worse may she tell you”  
“ok, I can’t think of anyone else" Jon was purposefully avoiding Robb "not uncle Benjen and Edmure, she has a bad relationship with aunt Lysa, it must be someone she gets along with…wait aunt Lyanna. She loves aunt Lyanna”  
Robb freaked out inside, he wasn’t ready to admit it, but he didn’t want Jon to find his sister, the protective brother he was, took over him “you never met aunt Lyanna” he said to mislead him  
“yes, once on vacation. We were all invited, you brought Missandei with you and I..never mind”  
“you brought Ygritte, Sansa didn’t want to see you two, so she gave you her room and she spent the night with Arya on the beach”  
“so you remember, you asshole”  
“I do” he nodded  
“so, she’s with Lyanna”  
“go and find her”  
“not even a confirmation from you?”  
“never. I won’t help you Jon”  
“what’s wrong Robb?” he asked suspicious of his behaviour  
“going to her, finding her and then what? nothing has changed, you just kind of "broke" up with Ygritte. Do you really think that’s gonna change things?”  
“i’m not that stupid, I just want to have a chance to talk to her”  
“who tells you she wants to talk?”  
“no one, I have to try, I want to apologize. I want to be sure she’s ok”  
“alright, go then" he sighed defeated

 

  
Sansa was checking the brochures of all colleges in the region during her break at work  
“college? I didn’t think you were that young” Jaime sat on the booth on the other side of the table. She looked up, still engrossed in her thoughts “sorry i didn’t want to interrupt you”  
“don’t worry, it’s a stupid idea” she threw the brochures in her bag  
“it’s never a stupid idea”  
“you don’t even know me”  
“university for a young girl like you is not stupid and my sense tells me you’re smart enough for this”  
“I keep telling myself I can do it, but it’s actually too late”  
“late? Sansa, it would be late for me, not for you”  
“i’m 22, I should already be graduated and have started to pay off my student loan”  
“there are people in this world who decide to change their life at an older age, some succeed, others not, but it’s up to you and if you really want to do it, there’s nothing to stop you”  
“how am I gonna do it? working, attending classes and studying”  
“no one ever said it would be easy. It needs a great amount of effort to achieve your dreams”  
“you are so wise” she joked  
“wise, makes me feel older than i am. let’s just say, I had my experiences”  
“from your suit, seems like it went well for you”  
“if you say so” he looked down, a bitter smile on his face. A smile that saddened Sansa, her hand was reaching out to him, but she stopped, pulled back her hand and shoved it in her purse to retrieve the brochures. She looked at them biting her bottom lip  
“what do you say?” he asked smiling  
“I’d say it’s time to start with the application forms before it’s really too late”  
“great”

  
After her shift, she walked straight back home, happy she finally made a choice, she took the final decision, when she saw a car parked, she recognized it immediately. It was Jon’s.  
“who told him? what the hell is he doing here?” she sped up and saw him for the first time in almost three months.  
He was standing in front of the doorstep talking to Lyanna, apparently discussing. She felt dizzy all of a sudden, she felt lack of air in her lungs “breathe Sansa, breathe. Don’t be stupid”  
She slowly approached them “Jon?”, he froze and turned around and he saw her.  
“Sansa…” he couldn’t take his eyes off of her, memorizing every detail before being shooed away, kicked out by Lyanna  
Lyanna intervened after minutes of silence “he showed up here, he says he wants to talk to you. I tried to send him away, but he’s stubborn”  
“don’t worry aunt, I can handle it. A minute and I’ll be inside”  
“sure?”  
“yeah sure”  
Lyanna disappeared behind the door  
“what are you doing here?”  
“I need to talk”  
“about what?”  
“I want to explain” he started to take a few steps, closing the distance between them “we’ve never talked about what happened and...”  
“I don’t wanna talk, I don’t want any explanation, I don’t need it” she said in exasperation, already frustrated by his presence  
“please, I’m just asking you to listen to me. 5 minutes and then I’ll be gone” he pleaded  
“ok 5 minutes” she was trembling, his face, his presence only reminded her of the pain he had caused her, but she was stronger, she could deal with it  
“I’m sorry. I never got the chance to say it, but I’m truly sorry” he got closer, just a few inches from her, about to well up “ I never meant to hurt you, to disrespect you. I have no excuse for what I did, you’ve always been by my side and I took you for granted, I wasn’t able to give you what you deserve and I’ve been regretting it since you’ve gone”  
Sansa was trying to control herself, but a single tear she immediately wiped away, fell down her cheek “everything you say, everything you try to tell me is not enough, Jon. I’ve loved you with every fiber of my being, I waited years hoping you would see me, but at what cost? to be a rebound? to be with you as you crave for another woman? I don’t want to be that girl anymore”  
“No Sansa you’ve never been a rebound” he caught her arm in despair, leaning his forehead against hers “ I love you, my life has been a mess since you’ve left, I’ve missed you so much, please believe me”  
She wanted to give in, the feeling of his skin on hers, the scent of his perfume, his gruff voice, but she couldn’t. She stepped back, freeing herself from his touch “Sansa no…”  
“even if I do believe you, you’ll never get rid of her from your mind, she’s always gonna be this ever-present woman in our relationship. It’s her, it’s Ygritte, she’s the woman you love and I can’t compete with that”  
“I have no intention to go back to her, it’s all over for me. I want you” his voice broken  
“why would I believe it? doubt crept over me, don’t you see it? we’d go back to our life, she’d be back sooner or later, you’d pine over her without even noticing and what about me?. If you really love me like you said, you’d let me go and let me live the life I deserve" she took a deep breath "I have to go now, goodbye Jon” she didn’t weep as she thought, she thought for a moment to yell at him for thinking that coming to her would be enough, but she contained herself, told him everything he needed to know.  
As she was entering the house, she looked back “I’m sorry you had to drive all this way for nothing”  
she sounded more bitter than she wanted to be  
“I’m not giving up Sansa. I’ll be waiting, you’re the love of my life. I can’t give up on you that easily”  
she stood there, stunned by his unexpected words as he drove away.

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

“what did he tell you?” Lyanna asked sitting on a chair while Sansa was preparing dinner  
“he apologized, he’s sorry for hurting me” she replied as if the encounter didn’t affect her a bit  
“do you believe him?”  
“I think so” the tone of her voice so low, a mere whisper  
“he’s come here all the way from Winterfell only to apologize?”  
“apparently” she shrugged  
“tell me the truth, I don’t buy it”  
“he really did apologize, he really said he’s sorry, not that I really care about his stupid apologies” she said gritting her teeth  
“I saw him crying though, literally welling up like a baby”  
“you watched us?”  
“obviously, but I couldn’t hear a thing. I have to admit, he looked terrible”  
Sansa chuckled “he deserves it”  
“hmmm looks like someone is angry”  
“just nervous that’s all” she took a bush of salad and started to cut it like she was about to murder someone  
Lyanna deeply sighed “Sansa please stop” she put down the knife and turned around to face her aunt  
“what else did he tell you?”  
“he loves me” she said point-blank “he. loves. me. it’s weird, you know? he barely said it when we were together, I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the times he told me he loved me and it was so difficult for him to say it. I mean, he doesn’t speak that much and he rarely expresses his feelings, so I never paid that much attention to that, but then he cheats on me with HER and he loves me and it seems like he wants to scream it to the world” she was histerically laughing “is this some kind of joke? and you know what else he had the pulse to tell me? you are the love of my life”  
“wow” Lyanna frowned, she didn’t expect it  
“he fucks her, he spends the night with her and then I’m the love of his life. How convenient!” she almost shouted, with tears stinging on her face  
she took a handkerchief and dabbed her watery eyes “why now? i don’t understand”  
“he lost you, I think he’s doing everything to get you back”  
“damn he frustrates me to no end”  
“Sansa please, I need you to calm down” she took her hand  
“why can’t he just let me go?” she asked sobbing  
Lyanna stood up and pulled her niece into her arms “maybe, he’s really in love with you”  
“how could you say it?”  
“a man doesn’t drive almost 3000 miles just to see a woman he doesn’t love”  
“what if he’s just feeling guilty? what if he just wants to make it up to Robb and all our family? after all he’s like a Stark to dad”  
“I’m far away from defending him, but you’re thinking too much into this” Sansa broke from her embrace, dried off her the last tears and took a deep breath  
“perhaps, rest assured I don’t have any intention to forgive him or even worse in going back to him, I just decided to apply for college, I wanna stay here and see what kind of path my life is taking”  
“really? You’ve become so skeptical about college in the last few days, why this change of mind?”  
alright, it was time to tell aunt about Jaime, well not that there was much to say about him, but at least let her know about his existence  
“at work I knew this man, he’s so nice to me and he gave me a piece of advice” she was so incredibly tense, her hands in restless motion  
“a man? who is he?”  
“his name is Jaime…maybe you know him”  
“i don’t know any Jaime, but I don’t know many kids your age in this town”  
“I said man, he’s not exactly my age actually” the uncertainty in her voice was palpable  
“not exactly, it’s quite vague”  
“i think he’s like your age or something” she looked away  
“my age? seriously Sansa?”  
“nothing happened, we had a chat twice, it’s not a big deal”  
“you make it sound like a big deal”  
“you don’t have anything to worry about, I’m grown up enough to take my own decisions”  
“fair enough, then you’d be wise to stay away from such older men”  
“he’s just been nice”  
“men don’t talk nice to younger girls if not for further reasons”  
“and what about it?”  
“what do you mean?”  
“ok let’s just say he wants more from me, I’m not a baby, he’s not doing anything wrong”  
“you’re making no sense, do you know him? do you know what he does, who he is, he may be married with kids as a matter of fact” she annoyed by her naivety  
“you’re right and I won’t know who he is till I actually get to know him better”  
“you like him because he’s older than you, he may have flattered you with compliments, he may look at you like you’re the only one in the world…”  
“and can’t I have that? why do I always have to stay in a corner?”  
“you can have it, but don’t complicate your life with an older man when you’ve just had a meltdown over Jon. Just think about yourself”  
“I am dedicating everything to myself, I love the life I’m building right now. I love this place, I’m making new friends, I’ve a got job and I’m about to go to college”  
“and I’m so happy for you”  
“and Jaime just gave me a word of advice about college. He didn’t do anything special, he saw the doubt in me and he kind of…swept it away” she said shimmying her hands like wind  
“I hope you won’t do anything stupid”  
“I can’t promise you nothing will ever happen with him, but I can promise I’ll be careful”  
“and what about Jon?”  
“what about him?”  
Lyanna giggled “do you really think he’s going to go back to Winterfell? I don’t know his plans, but honey I got a hunch he’ll stay here for a while”  
“then I’ll let him know he’s not welcome here”

  
The morning after she got a call from her boss asking her to switch her day off with a colleague of hers, she took the chance to focus on the college applications, sending emails to her high school teachers hoping they’d be willing to write a recommendation letter for her, taking her mind off of Jon for a while, before eventually meeting up again with him. Before lunch, she took a stroll on the beach, it was a sunny day, warm and a bit windy, her favorite kind of say for sure. She decided to take a slice of pizza and eat at the park, it was her usual routine for when she didn’t work at lunch.  
The restaurant she worked in was blocks away, the thought Jaime would be there crossed her mind and she couldn’t shake the desire in her to see him. She didn’t want to upset her aunt, but talking to him every now and then brought no harm to her. Heading towards the restaurant she saw him leaving, about to take a cab “next time” she thought as she was turning back to go back home  
“Sansa?”  
ok he saw her at last “Jaime! Hi”  
“i had hoped to see you inside”  
“I got the day off and I was passing by” he lightly smiled, aware she was coming for him  
“do you have to take the cab?”  
“yes, I’ve got a sudden meeting. I’m sorry, believe me I would like to spend time with you than go to this boring stuff”  
“don’t worry, I’ll let you go then. See you” she was disappointed, let down he wouldn’t ask her to meet somewhere else other than the place she worked  
“Sansa, what do you say if I ask you to go to dinner together? or go to a movie? both?” an unintentional smirk on her lips and yet she needed to pay extra attention, could she really trust this man? who was he? why was he interested in a younger girl like her?  
“let me think about it, I’ll tell you tomorrow”  
“no problem. see you tomorrow” she noticed his usual smile fading away, perhaps he hoped for her to accept immediately. He drove away on the cab and she heard a voice from behind “you have Jaime Lannister at your feet and you turn him down?”  
“what?” she turned around to see Jeyne, a colleague, shaking her head in disapproval  
“should I know who he is?” she asked bewildered  
“right, you’re the only one who didn’t lose her shit when you met him the first time, you Northerners are just out of this world”  
“why should I have lost my shit? can you explain?”  
she huffed “He’s Jaime Lannister, son of Tywin Lannister and that beautiful woman of Joanna Lannister, he’s heir of the Lannister fortune. Jaime deals with the family business here in Dorne. He’s very rich, handsome and the most wanted and eligible bachelor of Westeros, but apparently he refuses to settle down”  
“why?” she curiously asked  
Jeyne got closer to her and whiresped in her ear “I read an interview in which he explained many women only want him for the money and the fame, so he prefers to stay bachelor”  
“sounds like a lame excuse to me”  
“i don’t know, but most probably he sleeps with whoever he wants to without committing, he’s a man after all” she sneered  
all of this made Sansa less willing to go on a date with him, he was described as a sort of celebrity, wealthy, part of an important family and with everyone at his feet. He’d date her for a while and then would throw her in the trash like many others  
“he’s been behind you for weeks and all you do is nothing!”  
“I don’t wanna be one of the many!” she replied irritated  
“whatever, he likes you. Everyone noticed. Gotta back to work honey, see you tomorrow”  
Sansa mentally thanked Jeyne before making another huge mistake, before getting crushed all over again. She would meet him the day after and refuse to go to dinner and make clear she doesn’t want anything to do with him, hoping he would get no as an answer.

  
She got home, it was time to call Robb, she needed an explanation about that surprise she found at her doorstep the night before“Hi Sansa”  
“Hello brother”  
“How…is it going?” she heard from his voice he was nervous  
“do you have something to tell me dear brother?” she said almost in a mocking tone  
“like what?”  
“like Jon coming to aunt’s house last night, I think you have something to do with that”  
“no. I knew he was coming, but I swear no one told him, let’s just say…someone helped him figure out where you are”  
“who?”  
he swallowed “Dad”  
“UNBELIEVABLE”  
“sorry San”  
“yeah I’m sorry too”  
“don’t be mad, he was trying to help”  
“I’ll call him later, don’t worry about that”  
“guess it didn’t go well, did it?”  
“oh it’s about to go super well, tell me where he’s staying”  
“he rented an apartment”  
“an apartment”  
“he’s taken 3 weeks off from work, as vacation. He’s pretty serious about this”  
“yeah, even my new life here is pretty serious. Give me the address Robb, I need to fix this”  
“aren’t you a bit too harsh right now?”  
“seriously Robb? too harsh?”  
“he’s in a bad state, he’s beating himself up for what he did, he went to see dad hoping to find you, he drove for 2 days, he didn’t sleep only to get to you as fast as he could. Give him a break, San”  
“then I’ve got more reasons to send him away. He has to start over like I’ve been doing in the last few months, believe it or not this is becoming my home, I’ve got a life for myself, a life I’ve never had and Jon is not involved in all of this. Do you understand?”  
he emitted a long breath “yeah, I do”  
“give me the address”

He gave it to her, it wasn’t that far from Lyanna’s house, right on the beach  
“weird” she thought “Jon hates the ocean”  
she walked up the three steps and rang the bell, no one answered. She tried again, caught a glimpse from the window on her left, all lights off. His car was outside though “he must have gone somewhere”.  
She was about to walk home along the seafront, when he saw him with the grocery store bag in his hand, headed towards her direction “Jon!”  
He got closer “how did you know where to find me?”  
“Robb told me” his eyes switched from sadness to hope in matter of a second. He was clearly hopeful she changed her mind  
“I called Robb, he told me about the apartment”  
“yeah, I’ll be staying here for a while”  
“you need to go home, Jon. There’s nothing here for you”  
“there’s you and you’re all that matter to me”  
“stop it, don’t” she raised her voice a bit, but immediately shut up “can we go inside your apartment?” she nervously inspected around to see if anyone heard her  
“sure”  
Jon unlocked the door and let Sansa enter first. He guided her into the kitchen and put down the bag  
“go away, leave this town, go back to Winterfell” she went straight to the point  
“why should I? go back where? to who?”  
“my family is gonna get over us and all the shit that happened. Robb is your bestfriend, there’s Arya and Bran and Rickon, you’re their big brother after all, they love you”  
he shook his head “I can’t without you” a sad smile crept over his face  
“you’ve made it for years without me, I helped you when you needed it and it ended up…badly” she said the words with pauses between breaths  
“yeah, i’ve made it before without you, but then I’ve spent the most incredible years of my life with you and I can’t go back”  
“again Jon? you’re at it again with all these romantic declarations and flatteries?”  
“everything I say is true” his dark eyes bore into her  
“it’s too easy” she slightly leaned down her head, avoiding his intense stare, it was making her feel uncomfortable  
“too easy? do you think this is easy for me? i’ve been miserable since you’ve left, I wake up everyday hoping to find you by my side, I drank to forget about you, to suppress the pain, but it didn’t work. You left me and I’m lost now” his hoarse voice became a shriek of anger  
A moment of silence.  
“you fucked her” she was stoic, firm, inflexible “you fucked her, you were in bed with her, having fun, taking pleasure with her, finally having the person you’ve missed the most in your arms, you spent hours with her. Hours, Jon. All those hours you were with her, I was waiting for you in your own house, hours in your kitchen, on your couch, on your bed waiting for you to come back” she was talking slowly, marking every single word, careful he would listen, careful not to choke on her own sobbing “and you know what’s the most ridiculous thing?” he was staring at her, in utter silence, every piece of him crumbling as he was listening from her for the first time what he had truly done “I knew you were with her, I knew it. I had endured weeks without your presence because of her, you spent weeks barely talking to me, barely calling me after work, barely noticing I was with you in your bed, that night I wanted to be clear I wasn’t accepting this humiliation anymore, that same night you screwed her with no remorse, humiliating me and belittling me more than I could stand” she giggled, hiding the lump it was forming in her throat “you forget about me the minute she set foot in town, you get intimate with her and suddenly i’m the love of your life, suddenly i’m the one you want, suddenly the years we spent together were the best of your life” her last words said in a suffocated whisper. He stepped back, stumbled against the kitchen counter, eyes fixed on the floor.  
“so yes, it’s too damn easy. You don’t understand what you did to me, you don’t understand the pain” her eyes flooded with tears, tired to hold everything back “it’s suffocating having you here, being alone with you in this room is stifling, asphyxiating. I can’t bear the sight of you” she was almost strangling herself in her weep.  
“No, San…” a cry of desperation from Jon, struggling to accept the hard truth.  
She composed herself, trying to stop her sobs, dabbing her red eyes “I’m building a life for myself, a life where I don’t need you, where I’m not your appendix. I wanted to be with you, I wanted to love you, but you cheated on me with the person I feared the most in our relationship, it was your choice Jon. You made it and I’m mending your damage in my own way. Stay out of this.”  
He slowly reached for her, took her hips and fell on his knees, embracing her, leaning his head against her lap “please Sansa, give me a chance” the only thing he could do was imploring her to forgive him, it was hopeless, he knew she wouldn’t forgive him, but he had to try “I love you, i know you don’t believe me, but I love you. I love you San, you’re my life”  
she said nothing, resting her hands in his curls, eyes closed enjoying for the last time his soft hair “I hope you listen to me and will go back to Winterfell”  
she released herself from his embrace and got out of the apartment. Jon paralyzed on his knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all of your comments, every single one is very important and stimulates me to write more and better. Thank you so much.
> 
> If you wanna talk about this with me, feel free to message me on tumblr   
> http://hisgirlinthewhitedress.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

_"come Jon, it’ll be fun. Don’t stay home” Jon looked up from his desk. Ygritte stopped by to ask him out,a night with her and some of their old friends._  
_“Theon, Ramsey, Henry, Val might be there too!!” Jon wasn’t sure, he had known those people for a long time, they were good friends he had done stupid things with them and he missed them, but his life was different, better now_  
_“i don’t know, I wanna be with Sansa tonight”_  
_“Sansa? as in Robb’s sister?”_  
_“as in my girlfriend, you know that”_  
_“I thought you could spend a night without her”_  
_It had been a while since he last spent a night alone with Sansa. It was his fault, he had neglected her, too much work in the last few weeks with incessant complaints of his boss and Ygritte back, passing by every single day, praying him to go out with her. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but her return was driving him crazy and he was looking for a way to send her away. He knew Sansa was feeling abandoned, he wanted to tell her everything, to tell her Ygritte was visiting him everyday, being insistent with him, but how? Sansa was so scared of Ygritte’s presence, since their relationship had started, he constantly had to reassure her he wanted to be with her. She was aware Ygritte was back, Sansa had seen her twice, but she never spoke about her with Jon and he never brought up the topic when he had the chance to, too frightened a conversation might have teared them apart. Yet the lack of communication was the reason why they were so distant lately, lack of communication due to the same, old fear. Two years together and a woman part of his past was destroying them._  
_“I want her with me tonight, do you mind?” he wasn’t a man of many words, maybe going out together would let her see he only had eyes for her._  
_she scoffed “do you really believe they wanna meet your pretty girlfriend?”_  
_“yes”_  
_she huffed “whatever, do what you want. Be at the Valyrian restaurant at 7 p.m.”_  
_“restaurant?”_  
_“yeah dinner together and then the club”_  
_“no, I’m not signing up for dinner” he wasn’t falling for her tricks, dinner meant the two of them alone_  
_“you’re so difficult!”_  
_“night cancelled,then”_  
_she scoffed exasperated “another night, without your new girly girlfriend”_  
_“stop being obnoxious, you had your chance”_  
_“I don’t like her, that’s all”_  
_“shut up and get out”_

_He left his office at 6 p.m., an hour earlier than usual, he wanted to prepare something for Sansa to be forgiven. He called her_  
_"Hey Jon"_  
_“come for dinner tonight? 7:30, everything will be ready” he said in a very sweet voice_  
_“Jon, uncle Edmure and the kids are here, we’re having dinner together. I told you 3 days ago, you said you couldn’t make it”_  
_“oh damn I..forgot, sorry. I managed to get out earlier today”_  
_“I see. Listen, we’re already dining and it’s crowded here, I’ll call you later”_  
_“sorry San”_

_she hung up on him._

 

 

Jon stayed in bed for three days, he didn’t answer his phone, didn’t eat, barely drank any sort of liquid, didn’t meet the light of the sun.  
A loud knock on the door was pounding in his ears, he avoided it for a while, but it was incessant; he got up half naked “ok ok I’m coming” he mumbled  
he opened the door and saw Robb on the other side “fucking hell, you smell”  
“go to your sister” he groaned  
“I called her,she's working now and asked me to see if you’ve packed your stuff, which you have not” he said picking inside the house “you didn’t unpack at all, good”  
“I’m not leaving”  
Robb dead stared him in the eyes “you’re leaving”  
“No” he was stubborn  
“let’s do a thing. You take a shower, because you fucking reek, wear clean clothes and then we’re gonna have breakfast, maybe food will help you to reason”  
“I don’t need it”  
“I’m not asking, It’s an order” Robb raised his voice  
Jon did as instructed to avoid any fight with Robb. He was mad, he felt it.

They were having breakfast in a place far far away from Sansa.

“You’re leaving with me tomorrow”  
“no I’m staying here”  
“she doesn’t want you, I knew I should have stopped you. If I could go back, I‘d beat you up till you couldn’t move a finger”  
“you let me go and now I’m here and i’m not fucking leaving”  
“did you listen to her?”  
“I did and I saw her crying because of me, because I hurt her. I caused all of this shit”  
“you made a choice”  
“one choice and I…I can’t fix it?”  
“ no Jon. The choice was being faithful to Sansa or cheating on her with the woman Sansa have been intimidated by since…forever.You can’t take back your mistake. You can’t, you just can’t say ‘I’m sorry’ and everything will go back to normal!”  
“what can I do?”  
“nothing. You will do nothing for her. You’ll come back and fix your own life in Winterfell”  
“and what can I do for myself in Winterfell?”  
“what do you mean?”  
“I ended whatever it was with Ygritte, I don’t have any intention on seeing her again, I have a frustrating, oppressive job I hate, no family, yours keep telling me they will forgive me eventually, but I doubt it. You should have seen Arya’s look on her face, filled with revulsion”  
“you were lucky mom wasn’t home when you came, I swear to god she’d shoot you”  
“do you think she will ever talk to me again?”  
“in many many years, when Sansa will be happily married with another man”  
“she hates me for good”  
“and she’s not alone” Robb remarked  
“you’ve helped me, you’re here” he made him notice  
“yeah well, when Sansa ran into my room late at night crying and in a really hard way conveyed what happened, she had to stop me from storming into your house and punch you in the face, multiple times” Robb was still showing sing of anger at the memory of that night his sister came to him utterly destroyed. He had to hold her all night to calm her down  
“and you didn’t punch me when you’ve come to me the first time after that fact”  
“because you needed help Jon, you still need it as a matter of fact” Jon stared at him confused “how many times have you recovered from Ygritte?  
“what?”  
“she leaves, comes back, does whatever she wants with you. Do you really believe this has been the last time? let’s just say another year or two pass, you don’t listen from her, you don’t have any idea where she is, what she’s doing and you’ll meet her again one day. I think you’d still make the same mistake”  
“I pushed her away, I talked to her freely. There’s no going back to her”  
“You did and I encouraged you to do it, but it’s not enough. I want you to definitely heal from Ygritte and I mean once and for all getting her out of your mind, starting over……meeting someone new”  
“someone new? Robb…”  
“not kidding, it’s a good thing and expect Sansa to find someone else in the future”  
“has she?”  
“it’s not the point. She will eventually, someone worthy of her, someone who will love her…unconditionally”  
“I wasn’t able to give her that, right?”  
Robb shook his head “not lately, at least. I’ve seen her happy with you in the past, but you had your goddamn problems, trust problems mainly”  
“Is she happy now?”  
“she’s trying, she’s doing fine and I got a hunch it’ll get better and better for her” he smiled  
It was a bittersweet feeling for Jon, he couldn’t make her happy and most likely he’ll never make her happy. Could he be happy again? Will he ever find someone else in his life able to give him everything like Sansa had done? Because she did it. God knows how much he felt loved, appreciated and supported

 

_“Goodmorning my love!” Jon had just opened his sleepy eyes, Sansa was on top of him smiling like an angel_  
_“Goodmorning, you’re awake” he yawned_  
_“yep” she said with a quick kiss “it’s a sunny day and it’s Robb’s birthday!”_  
_“mh mh” his eyes closed, smiling at the feeling of her soft lips pecking on his, the warmth of her body crashed on his_  
_“you still have to buy his present, i can’t believe it! he’s your best friend” she pouted_  
_“don’t worry, love. I got everything under control…but what about MY present?” he slightly lifted his head softly kissing her neck and wrapped his arms around her waist_  
_“you won’t receive any present today, I ain’t got time for that” she moaned_  
_“we got plenty of time for this” he sat up, took the hem of her night shirt and took it off of her, he left a trail of kisses along her jaw, her neck, her cleavage “you’re so soft” he unhooked her bra and threw it away, he didn’t wait a second and his mouth was already on her breast, he sucked it, played with the nipple with his tongue, Sansa tossed her head back “omg Jon..” she whimpered as she slid her hands along his muscles, landing on his curls. His mouth kept doing its work as his hands wandered around her ass “I can’t get enough of you” he moaned, inhaling her lemon scent, savoring the salty taste of her breasts. He tightened his grasp and fell down on the bed bringing her with him. He kissed her passionately, deeply “we don’t have time Jon” she barely breathed. “I need you San. I need to be inside you” he rolled her over “I’m already wet Jon”_  
_He brushed his hand against her panties.Soaked, drenched. He ripped them apart and enjoyed for a few seconds the amazing view of her complete naked body on his bed. He freed his cock, lowered on her and pushed inside “Fuck Sansa”_  
_she was so warm, so tight. He loved it._  
_He pounded into her rhythmically, her legs wrapped tight around him, their bodies smashed into one another, she moaned his name out loud “God Sansa. Fuck!”, she started moving under him, writhing, as curses slipped out of her mouth “ don’t stop, don’t stop Jon”, he increased the pace_  
_“come for me, come, come” she felt her release exploding around his cock, she trembled "like this, yes Sansa". She was still in ecstasy after her orgasm and she felt Jon rolling her over again, finding herself straddling him "Ride me, San", she smiled mischievously and shoved down on his shaft, she started to slowly move, slowly taking him in "Jon..I'm going to come again" she bounced up and down on him, faster and faster "don't hold back, San." he held her steady from he hips and thrusted hard, she stilled and contracted around his cock, he couldn't take it anymore, so he held her steady, thrusted once more and spurted his seed deep inside her. She collapsed on him “ready to start the day?” he jokingly asked, they both laughed_

 

Jon couldn’t stop reminiscing the good times they had spent together, she was his light. He wasn’t hers.  
Robb gave him one day to think about moving to another place. The problem was, as he was considering it a decent idea, flashes of their time together surfaced in his mind, as if blocking his way out from Sansa’s life, a sort of a middle finger to Robb and his requ…orders, but a disrespectful thought towards Sansa and her wishes.  
He wouldn’t bother her with his presence no more, he wouldn’t settle down all over again in Winterfell though. There was only one place he could go that resembled something familiar and welcoming.

“you’re kidding me. You have to get out of this region, go North. It’s better for Sansa and for you”  
“I won’t be of any nuisance to her”  
Robb scoffed “ah really? of all places you could go, you just wanna stay in Dorne?”  
“it’s far away from Sunspear and…that’s where I was born”  
“you never told me you were born in Kingsgrave” Robb looked very much surprised at such revelation  
“not properly in Kingsgrave, but nearby. My dad and I moved to Winterfell when I was 5, he never told anybody where we came from”  
“you remember something about it?”  
“bits and pieces, I feel like it’s the right place to start over Robb”  
“the job, the house in Winterfell?”  
“I got money enough to quit and find a new job in a few months, it’s all under control. I’m coming back with you to Winterfell to take care of a few things”  
“are you sure?”  
“i wanna respect your sister’s wishes, but I also wanna take care of myself”  
“tell me the truth Jon. Are you still planning on going after her?”  
“not now, she made it pretty clear she doesn’t want to do anything with me and I can’t be selfish anymore”

 

Sansa was back to work the day after finally letting Jon go. She was nervous though, very tense about turning down Jaime. Right on time he entered the door, smiley as always, he had lunch, talked a bit with the owner, waited for her to come to him and give him and answer. He looked at ease, no form of agitation or anxiety crawling into him, no sign of impatience, he was calm and just waited till she sat next to him.

“you’ve been waiting” exclaimed  
“mmm I have, I can allow myself a longer break” his voice cracking a bit, finally showing uncertainty  
“I don’t think you respond to anyone in your job” she smiled a bit embarrassed  
“you’re right, I don’t” he nodded  
“ok i’m going straight to the point. I’m sorry, Jaime…I I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out together. I don’t mean to be rude, but I barely know you and…” she kept chewing her lips “ it’s just…you know the age difference, you’re older than me and i’m not really sure it would work” she sighed with her eyes shut  
“Oh” he moved awkwardly  
“I left you with no words”  
“I was so sure you would accept my invite, that’s all” he shook his head “I feel like an idiot now”  
“don’t, I’m sure many other women would gladly accept a dinner with you” she didn’t know why she said it, but she did and she was waiting for his reaction  
“other women?”  
“well…given who you are, I doubt it’ll be hard for you to find other women” she swallowed still unaware why she was going on with that line  
he was perplexed “ is that what you think? I’m going around looking for women?”  
she was panicking “no, no, no I didn’t mean to upset you Jaime. Oh god I’m making a mess out of this” she stood up and fixed her hair nervously “forget about what I said. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I hope you’ll still come here” she forced a smile “bye Jaime”  
“wait Sansa. You have every right to be scared, to be confused. I’m older and we know nothing about each other. I’m sorry if I’ve done anything wrong these weeks, I should have known better, I shouldn’t have asked” he looked and sounded deeply sorry, she didn't want him to be, but that would confuse him more  
“you did what you thought was right. I just hope this won’t change anything” maybe she was lying to him, to herself, but it was better that way. Lyanna was right.  
“nothing will change I promise” they shared a warming smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the comments! Let me know what you think :)


	8. Chapter 8

“what were you thinking Ned?”  
Ned deeply sighed “why? what happened Lyanna?” they were on the phone, Lyanna secretly called him to get a better view of the situation  
“Jon showed up” Ned didn’t say a word “why? why did you put Jon first?”  
“I didn’t put him first. I was trying to help them both”  
“HE HURT HER. He cheated on her. Wasn’t it enough?”  
“everything I do, everything I say is never enough. I tried to talk to her, to tell me something, anything, but she excludes me from her life and now Jon took her away from me”  
“which should be enough to keep him out of the family”  
“Lyanna…”  
“What Ned? he’s a young man, he knows what he’s done, he can get through this without you and our family. He’s an adult, what else can you give to him?”  
“He’s by himself, he’s all alone! His father died when he was 14, he suffered terribly! His only aunt let him live in her own house for a few years until he's come of age and were able to provide for himself. I promised Rhaegar I’d do anything to protect his son, I’ve been a fatherly figure for him since he died. What should I do now? forget he’s ever existed? forget he never knew his mother, lost his father too soon? forget he’s got a aunt who barely cares about him? I care about this boy, his father was a dear friend of mine, you know it. I should have stopped this relationship from the very beginning, but Sansa would hate me even more now and I wanted to see my baby girl happy with the boy she loved”  
Lyanna sighed, realizing in that moment how much Ned cared about that boy who had lost his only family too soon. She shouldn’t have judged her brother’s actions, she knew him well to understand Ned wouldn’t care about someone, if that someone wasn’t important  
“and I respect you for what you’ve done for him, but he cheated on your daughter eventually. You want to help him? help him in Winterfell. Sending him here was a terrible mistake. You should see her now, she says she’s fine, but she’s not”  
“how could I talk to her?”  
“give her time now, I promise I will call you as soon as she gets better”  
“Lyanna it’s already frustrating that Robb has to be the one to tell me what she’s been doing with her life in the last few months. It’s always been hard to talk to her, but if you cut me out now, I’m afraid she won’t call me anymore” Ned was showing to her for the first time the reality of his relationship with his daughter, a sad reality she didn’t know how to deal with  
“let me talk with Sansa, it’s the only thing I can do right now. You know she’s safe here, you don’t have to worry ok?”  
“alright, but call me soon”  
“I will”  
   
“Aunt!” she hung up the phone and got out of her bedroom  
“hey sweetheart, already home?”  
“yeah, i asked to leave earlier. I wanna relax a bit” she looked sad, Lyanna sensed something was off  
“what’s the matter? you seem distracted” she sat on the couch  
“I..I…miss him” she confessed, a sad smile creeping over her face “since I last saw him, I can’t get him out of my head” she closed her eyes, deeply inhaling and exhaling, a way to get rid of Jon from her mind  
“I can’t stand seeing him, but I miss him and it’s so annoying” she moaned in exasperation, collapsing and liking on the couch  
“You still love him, there’s no need to freak out. It’s normal to miss him, a few days and everything will be ok. Just don’t close yourself, go out, have fun, clear your mind”  
“i’m not really in the mood” she frowned  
“call a friend! rant with her about Jon, you always talk about Yara being a good friend to you, it’s not a crime to vent a bit about your love life”  
“love. life ahah”  
“whatever you wanna call it…unless there’s actually a love life for you. right now” Lyanna asked, intrigued  
“I know what you’re hinting aaaand there’s nothing to talk about”  
“ah no? sure? i won’t judge, i promise. My ears are open and ready to listen”  
“I’m not lying, I just…he asked me out, you happy?” she exhaled  
“ ah ah I see”  
“No comments and no judging” she warned her bringing her index up to her mouth. Lyanna nodded  
“he asked me out and I told him no”  
Lyanna’s face turned serious “what? really?”  
“are you upset? I mean, you were so against this”  
“I am, but…” she huffed “you know the internet is an amazing place, so I looked him up”  
“ah well, this is interesting. You spied” she was indignant  
“I didn’t spy! I was curious to know who this person is”  
“and?” she encouraged her to go on  
“there are many Jaime on facebook living in Dorne and who don’t specify the city they come from”  
“ok it’s not like you’re ever gonna meet him”  
“but…” she paused, sewing her lips “if I google Jaime and Dorne, there’s one Jaime, who currently resides in Dorne, specifically in Sunspear whose profile is the first result. So, I’m gonna ask you, is this Jaime actually Jaime Lannister?” Sansa swallowed, her eyes widened in disbelief “oh God it’s him”  
“aunt…I turned him down” Sansa was fast enough to remind it to her  
“weird”  
“I thought about what you told me and I didn’t think it was a good idea. You were right, I don’t know him and…” she was almost sweating “did you know about the Lannister family? they seem to be pretty famous”  
“Tywin Lannister, he’s very powerful actually, but you know they always refer to the family as Lannisters, so I never thought about a possible son working with him”  
“well apparently he’s very popular and his face ends up on the first pages of many magazines, mainly about gossip”  
“i don’t read that stuff. Sorry to break it to you, but I value my reading”  
“i’m not saying i read that stuff, Jeyne told me. Actually, today she wouldn’t stop talking about him and how stupid i am for turning him down”  
“do you regret it?” she genuinely asked  
Sansa stopped for a minute and then shrugged unaware whether her decision was the right one “I don’t know”  
“you better sort it out, i don’t want you to regret it one day and hold it against me”  
“you had good reasons for warning me and it was my decision”  
“ok i confide in you being adult enough to decide with your own head and not because of me” she smiled as Sansa stared into the void, wondering if she had made the right choice  
   
“I hate the sun, it’s too hot here” Jon was whining as he was freeing the apartment  
“I’d like to remind you you’re not actually leaving Dorne and the weather is kinda the same in Kingsgrave, actually it may be worse, at least here it’s windy”  
“thank you man for reminding me”  
“come on, one last week in Winterfell, enjoy it while it lasts”  
“it’s not like I can enjoy anything at all in Winterfell”  
Robb huffed “ do you hear yourself? your whole life is in Winterfell, some of the best memories are there and you talk like it’s worst place in the world” Robb sat down on the trunk  
“if I have good memories of that place it’s thanks to your father and your whole family, who knows where i’d be if it wasn’t for Ned” Jon sat next to Robb  
“do you still hear from your aunt?”  
“Daenerys? ahah she calls me once a year since she’s flown away with her boyfriend the minute I turned 18, remember?”  
“I remember the guy and I remember how little she cared about you. I used to wonder how it was possible that woman was you dad’s sister, they’re nothing alike”  
“at least she gave me a roof to live under”  
“what an effort for her nephew! she was so happy when you spent most of the time in my house”  
“Free life from any responsibility, that’s how she is, i don’t blame her for that”  
“I used to think there was something about her in Ygritte” Jon rolled his eyes and leaned his head back, why would he bring Ygritte back into his mind?  
“don’t act like we can't talk about her, like I haven’t hanged out with your circle of friends for a while” he snapped  
“you never liked them”  
“Theon was fine, the rest of them…not my type of people, neither Sansa’s”  
“the wrong kind of people”  
“you had your fun with them, that’s not a crime”  
“drinking and smoking all the time, maybe I wanted that back then, but not now”  
“don’t make it look like your teenage years were the easiest ones. I have to tell you, I was a bit jealous that you had them” a sad smile broke through his lips  
“you're my best friend, Robb. Don't you forget it. Besides, your dad got me out of the circle”  
“expect for Ygritte”  
“except for her, she stayed a lot longer....and you put up with her"  
“Sansa put up with her, not me. It wasn't easy for her, she was a kid though, i thought she would get over you soon, that you were just a crush, but when she was a bit older that crush became love and got it then...she was in love with you"                                                                    
“I never...I didn't know"  
“I did, it was funny for quite a while, but then I started to grow up, she became a beautiful girl and you were so blind to not see my sister pining over you for years..and it hurt me a bit as her brother. I wish I could have done something, but she begged me not to,so...”  
“I saw her as a sister, a little sister, nothing more”  
“maybe it should have stayed that way, she would have found somebody else eventually and get over you”  
Jon looked at Robb as offended by his statement  
“don’t look at me that way, I’m her brother and I have to protect her, which I didn’t back then because it was you. Despite everything, despite Ygritte, I gave you a chance, she gave you the chance to prove you could see her”  
“I saw her. I see her.”  
“then you would have seen she selflessly helped you get over Ygritte, she helped you going on with your life when that woman left, she was there for you and only for you. She never meant to win your attention that way, she just didn’t want you to be depressed. She showed you the amazing, kind person she is and you managed to fuck it up anyway” he raised his voice  
“you’re still angry after all"  
“hell I am. What the fuck happened that night? it can’t be something that just happened because reasons, you told me you slept with her in a moment weakness and I believed you Jon. I believed every word you said to me, because I’ve known you almost all my life and I refuse to believe you’re a fucking liar”  
Jon was silent,probably reminiscing that night “TALK JON! Sansa will never get you back, you’re on your own, spilling out the truth of that night won’t worsen your situation”  
Jon huffed, ready after months to tell the details of that night “She called me during my lunch break and…”  
   
 

 _"I promise I won’t bite, I won’t doanything wrong. Let’s talk like adults, you can’t avoid that forever”_  
_“Ygritte, there’s nothing to talk about”_  
_“I left you, I’ve come back. I need you to give me 10 minutes”_  
_“ok 10 minutes, talk”_  
_“not on the phone. I need us to be alone, nobody else”_  
_“Ygritte..”_  
_“what? don’t you trust me? don’t you trust yourself? is it too much for you?”_  
_“I can do it, don’t be ridiculous”_  
_“then 9 at my house, you know where I live. I prepare dinner”_  
_“you said 10 minutes, not dinner. After that I wanna be with my girlfriend tonight”_  
_she huffed “ok ok 9 pm don’t be late”_

  
_“Punctual as usual, come in” she invited him inside her tiny apartment_  
_“make yourself comfortable, can I offer you something?” Jon turned around and faced her_  
_“what do you want?”_  
_Ygritte took the deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes_  
_“I miss you”_  
_“no I’m not here for this”_  
_“listen to me. I’ve seen Theon and Val and Ramsey, we spent time together and the only person that was missing was you”_  
_“seriously? you miss me for the nights out together as drunken idiots?”_  
_“you haven’t seen them, you haven’t seen me for years and it’s so hard to convince you to go out for one night all together”_  
_“because I don’t want to! we’re adults now, our lives have changed, we can’t go back. I don’t want to go back, I’m happy now. You’ve been gone for years, I don’t know you anymore and you don’t know me”_  
_“that doesn’t mean I haven’t missed you”_  
_“you wouldn’t even want me to take Sansa with me, she’s part of my life and you don’t want her to meet them”_  
_“she’s not part of our group, she’s not part of that world, she’s just like Robb. He never fit in, so neither will Sansa”_  
_“that’s what I hate the most about you, it’s all about your little group and you won’t let anyone else in not even my best friend and now not even my girlfriend!”_  
_“I know who the right people are, we’ve helped you when you had no one”_  
_“The Starks helped me and after all these years you can’t recognize how important they are to me, they’ve been nice to you in the past”_  
_“yeah I remember, it’s not a bad family, they’re nice, but you don’t belong with them. It’s not your real family, how many times do I have to remind you that? do you think Eddard and Catelyn Stark will always see you as a son?” her words were getting through him “be realistic Jon” she got closer, a few inches away from him “your father asked the Starks to take care of you, how long will it take for you to understand you’ve only been a burden? you can do whatever you want, but they will never be your real family”_  
_with two fingers she gathered a lock of his hair falling down over his cheek and fixed it behind his ear “you’re with Sansa because you’ve realized you need a family bond, someone to keep your ties with the Starks and to find a rebound girl”_  
_“it’s not true, this is what you think” he yelled_  
_she leaned her head on the left and she reduced the distance between them “you really think so? and what’s the truth then? you got together with their daughter because you…love her?”_  
_“I do love her, believe it or not”_  
_“and then why are you here? why aren’t you with her now?”_  
_“I’ve come here to talk as you begged me to”_  
_“I pity her” she chuckled “she’s spent many years drooling over you while you were mine, now you should belong with her and she still doesn’t have you the way I always did”_  
_“how dare you talking this way? you’ve come back, bothering me for weeks when I’ve made clear I don’t want anything to do with you, but you wanted to talk and I accepted. Do not twist my actions into something that it’s not”_  
_“I’m telling you the truth. These people, as much as nice and kind they might be with you, they will leave you sooner or later. I am here now, we are the same, Jon” she kissed him out of the blue, without warning, but he pushed her away_  
_“why are you holding back? there’s no reason” she gave me a quick kiss on the lips_  
_“at the end you will have no one by your side and there will be only me” he stood still, clearly overthinking about her words_  
_“I went through the same stuff you had to, I suffered as much as you did. We understand each other more than anyone in this world. We have one another”_  
_He looked down, her words flooding in his head as a reminder that he had no one in this world. No one who could understand his pain, the pain to grow up without a mother, the pain of losing his father so young, to grow up as a burden for her aunt, feeling welcomed in a family that will never be his own. Ygritte understood him more than anyone, that was the reason that had drawn them together many years before._

  
_He gave in. With those words, he gave in._

  
_He kissed her vehemently, he blacked out letting his fears taking over his mind and his body._  
_He took her. They stripped off their clothes, he threw her on the mattress and guided his cock inside her with one push_  
_“it’s been so long Jon!”_  
_He pounded systematically inside her without stopping, his eyes closed, his face buried in the linens_  
_“this is how it should be” she moaned in ecstasy “I’ve missed this, you’ve missed this. We both know it” she smiled at the feeling of his cock finally into her once again_  
_Jon didn’t say a word, he violently thrusted inside her as he was feeling her writhing under him, begging him to fuck her hard, to fill her. She came, he felt her walls tight around him, a warmth that urged him to push harder._  
_It was a raw, animalistic,loveless act he wasn't able to stop._  
_The harsh reality of the act he was perpetrating hit him in the very moment his release exploded inside the condom. A painful release, an orgasm that tasted nothing like pleasure, but more like regret._  
_“like old times” she laughed_  
_He stood up immediately, gathered his clothes, dressed up and got out of her house. He was freaking out inside. His heart like a rock in his chest, heavily pounding._  
_He walked erratically, walked with no destination in need of fresh air, in need of oxygen to face the consequences of his action._  
_He ended up outside one of Winterfell kennels, the one he constantly visited to see his big boy. Ghost._  
_“Ghost? you there?” he heard a yawn from the dark and suddenly saw his white fur sleepily ambling toward him_  
_“hey boy” he stooped to caress him, Ghost’s tail wagging at the sight of Jon_  
_Jon considered Ghost his dog, although he couldn’t afford to actually take him home, sadly leaving him in that kennel_  
_“I did something terrible” he started to cry in despair, sat down on the soil, his back against the fence, Ghost sat down as well, and leaned his head as to ask him what was happening. There was a tiny hole in the fence, so Jon stretched out his arm and delicately petted him_  
_“I fucked up Ghost, I made the worst mistake of my life and I don’t know what to do” he was sobbing by then as he was scratching Ghost’s ears,_  
_“how do I go home to Sansa? How can I look her in the eyes? what have I done??” he shrieked “i can’t lie to her, she trusts me, she loves me and the best I could do was cheating on her”_  
_he leaned down his head “I slept with Ygritte. oh god. Damn it FUCK JON”_  
_He went back home hours later and found Sansa waiting for him…._

“She thinks I spent hours with her, but I didn’t”  
“Did you tell her?”  
“I couldn’t. What was the point? she won’t forgive me anyway”  
Robb was silent, too much for Jon “what are you thinking?”  
“you not only cheated on Sansa, you believed her words. You doubted me, my family and our love for you”  
“Robb don’t take it this way. I regretted it immediately, her words don’t mean a thing to me”  
“are you sure Jon? she gets to you through your pain. She discredited everything Sansa, my whole family, ME have been for you and you fell for that. You believed her” Robb was hurt and Jon panicked. Afraid to lose him too  
“I believed her, for a tiny moment I believed her and I’m sorry, but I will never put into question all of you. I will never do it again”  
Robb was still too quiet “ you’re weak around her and I’m aware you suffered, Jon. Don’t come to me to explain how fucked up it’s been your life, I was there when your dad died. But damn Jon, she played you like a puppet in her hands”  
“I’d like to remind you I ended things with her. Once and for all. I met her in private alone and I did nothing”  
“yeah,well..go to Kingsgrave as soon as possible. It’s better for you”  
“is everything ok Robb?”  
“yeah totally fine. Let’s go now”  
   
“so many memories here!” Lyanna and Sansa were at the Sunspear University Campus  
“the guys I made out with, aww I miss my 20s”  
“aunt I’m not here for some random hook up”  
“why not? look at the handsome guys around” she said as two guys were passing by  
“they don’t look like students to me, more like professors”  
“whatever, they’re good to me”  
“aunt, listen up. I’m here to visit the campus and attend a lesson and you decided to come with me, so or you follow me and stop speaking about boys or you go back home. I wanna focus only on this”  
“someone is taking herself too seriously for my taste, besides I’m not going home, I took the day off for this!”  
They were visiting the whole campus and Lyanna kept telling stories of her youth in that place, Sansa admitted to herself she was having a good time and she was loving every single bit of that day and every single detail of that university.  
Sansa was waiting for Lyanna to come out of the bathroom, when she noticed a familiar figure at the end of the hall “Jaime? that’s him. What’s he doing here?”  
She straight forward walked towards him, she had noticed his sudden absence those days at the restaurant. He wasn’t coming anymore and she took it personally  
“Jaime?” he turned around while he was still speaking with a tiny man, a professor  
“oh Sansa! what a surprise. Wait a second” he quickly dismissed the little man who was checking her out by then and addressed his whole attention to Sansa “what are you doing here Sansa? I thought you’d start in September”  
“yea,I haven’t started yet, I’m here for a tour to visit the campus. In 30 minutes I’ll attend a lesson, a management one, you know….to get a proper view of what could expect me”  
“good I’m glad you haven’t given up” she nodded, pursing her lips  
“so..you're here,how?”  
“work. Yes, even here. Back to school for business” maybe it was time to bring up the question she’s been dreading to ask  
“I see…I haven’t seen you lately and I…” what the hell was she supposed to ask?  
“I’ve started to travel a lot more all over Westeros, most likely I won’t come very often here”  
“Oh” she was beyond disappointed, that news gave a her feeling of bitterness she didn’t expect  
“oh God, you’re thinking it’s because of our…” he found himself in trouble, not exactly knowing how call their situation “what happened has nothing to do with my absence these days” he was nervous, but genuinely worried she would think that  
“no no no you’re a busy man, I should have thought about it and never asked it” she shook her head, leaning it down to avoid his gaze  
“I’m a grown up man, I promise you I’m holding nothing against you” he smiled  
she nodded, her face revealing relief  
“I was bit preoccupied, that’s all”  
“don’t be. Today I didn't make it for lunch, but i was planning to at least come to the restaurant one of these days, i wanted to make sure you're ok”  
“that’s nice of you” she blushed  
She didn’t want this, she didn’t want to feel so attracted to him, she didn’t want her heart to beat so fast everytime she saw him, she didn’t want in any way this desire to touch him, to talk with him, to listen to his voice. She felt a fire inside her when she was around him, she felt aroused, turned on and yeah she knew the urge to be in his arms was arguably another part of her body speaking for her, nonetheless she felt it.  
They longingly stared at each other without a word and then she said it “I made a mistake”  
“what do you mean?”  
“I wanna go out with you. I was too afraid, you intimidate the hell out of me and I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do, but I want to get to know you. I want this date to happen “ she blurted out without taking a breath  
His eyes sparked right away after her admission “is your offer still up?” she asked  
he nodded “absolutely, are you free tomorrow night?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, there's lot of talk and not so much action, but that's how this fic was born to be


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried so much when I started to write this chapter, I may be too emotional or maybe I was listening to the wrong song (Heaven by Beyoncé)  
> I hope this is giving you more insight into the story of these characters

_“Ned?”_  
_“Hi Rhaegar, how are you today?” they were in a hospital room, Rhaegar had been recovered two weeks before, due to some complications his tumor was causing_  
_“worse, everyday it gets worse. I don’t know if i’m gonna make it this time”_  
_Ned shook his head in denial_  
_“it’s going to happen this time, nothing is gonna save me”_  
_“why don’t you try the chemo? let’s talk with the doctor”_  
_“already done, twice. It’s not working and the tumor has actually expanded”_  
_“have you told Jon?”_  
_“not yet. Ned, I need you to promise me one thing before I die” Ned sat on a chair next to Rhaegar’s bed, aware of what his dear friend was about to tell him “take care of my son. I don’t have anyone else, my sister is a loose cannon and she doesn’t care about Jon enough to guarantee him what he needs. I need you to do it for me” he coughed heavily, talking was taking all of his energies away “if I had another choice, I wouldn’t burden you with such…”_  
_“I will do it” Ned interrupted him “don’t you ever think you’re leaving me with a burden upon my shoulders, because it’s not. We all love Jon, he’s going to be part of the family” he took his hand and tightened his grip “but right now you have to fight for yourself, for Jon. He’s right out there, he barely leaves the hospital, he checks every half hour if you’re ok. At times I have to make sure he goes to school”_  
_Rhaegar chuckled “my boy is stubborn”_  
_“he’s just like you”_  
_“Jon is my world and I can’t leave thinking he’s going to be alone. Thank you Ned”_  
_“anything for you and your boy. But we need to call Daenerys”_  
_“no I don’t want her to know”_  
_“she’s your sister, she has the right to know you have a tumor and that you’re…dying”_  
_Rhaegar faintly sighed “alright, but I don’t know where she lives, where to find her”_  
_“I’ll look for her, don’t worry about it”_  
_they heard a knock on the door_  
_“can I come in now?” Jon’s face appeared_  
_“yes, I’m going now. Keep company to your daddy,but let him rest alright?”_  
_he nodded “I will mr. Stark”_  
_Ned got out of the room and found Catelyn right outside with Robb and Sansa._  
_“I overheard” his wife stoically said_  
_“you heard what?” he asked as they were heading to the elevator_  
_“your conversation with Rhaegar” they stopped waiting for the doors to open “you’re taking responsibility for the boy, he’s not family Ned! have you ever thought about consulting me?”_  
_“I was going to discuss the matter with you at home to figure out what we can do” they stepped into the elevator, only the 4 of them in it_  
_“you’re already promised, I don’t have a choice in here”_  
_“Cat, he has no one, once he’s gonna die Jon will be alone. What future do you think is gonna await him?”_  
_“Daenerys is his aunt. She should be the one taking care of him!”_

_“mom! you know Daenerys, let Jon live with us!!” Robb yelled_  
_“Robb this is not your choice, let the adults talk” he huffed, visibly annoyed by his mother and her lack of touch when it came to Jon_  
_Little Sansa was quite, listening to her parents’ discussion. Deep down she was hoping her mom would agree for Jon to live with them, she liked him and wanted to spend more time with him_  
_“I have to contact Daenerys, who knows where she is” Ned sighed_  
_“at least let’s talk with her and what she plans to do with Jon” Ned turned his head and dead stared his wife_  
_“first of all, I have to inform her of her brother’s conditions, she doesn’t know he’s dying.Then we’ll discuss Jon”_  
_“what were you waiting for? that she’s going to find out after his death?” she was baffled by the whole situation_  
_“he asked me not to tell her about the cancer months ago, but…he’s dying, we all know he won’t make it, I have to tell her now”_  
_“you better do it fast, if she knows her brother is dying, maybe she will take to heart Jon’s future”_  
_Sansa knew her mom was anxious to take the responsibility of another kid, they were already five, a sixth child would only make her more stressed_  
_“Cat, he’s Robb’s age, they’re 15, they’re not adults, but not kids you have to watch over all day long, besides he’s gonna be MY responsibility in the first place”_  
_“he never got to know his mom, I couldn’t imagine living without you mommy” Sansa spoke up, embracing Cat by her waist, though she would have liked to hug Jon and reassure him everything would be ok_

 

Jon remembered the day his father died in that hospital room, his eyes slowly closing as he was holding his hand _“don’t be afraid Jon. I’ll always be with you”_  
The doctors ran into the room to reanimate him, but it was all in vain. His dad was gone and after that, it was all a blur.  
He remembered his aunt Daenerys arranging the funeral and settling down in his father’s house. She had tried to be a loving aunt and she was for a while, but he knew she wanted to leave, to live her life freely. She wasn’t a woman who lived in one place for too long and those years with Jon certainly had been the longest of her life.  
Robb had told him Cat refused to take him under their roof, Ned fought but she won the minute Daenerys chose to stay.  
It was a matter of honor for Ned, he had made a promise and in some way he had to fulfill that promise. He made sure Jon got everything he needed, that he was going to school, he had clothes, a healthy nutrition and most of all the affection of a family. He could count on all of his children for that, especially from Robb.

  
“I haven’t called your dad yet”  
Robb was driving Jon’s car, they’d been on the road for a day  
“and you need to call him for…”  
“I wanna thank him, he’s been too kind and accommodating after all”  
“I’ll thank him for you when I get home”  
there was a strange, awkward and heavy atmosphere in that car since they’d left, Robb wasn’t speaking much and Jon was worried he had worsened even more his unstable situation  
“will you come visiting me in Kingsgrave?” Robb kept looking at the road and waited a few seconds before answering  
“mmm maybe…don’t know when though, work might keep me busy for some time and I have plans with Missandei”  
He had no intention to see him again once he’d move south, Jon felt in his bones things were about to change  
Silence was reigning. It was suffocating, asphyxiating, Jon put on some music to relax a bit but it wasn’t working  
“Can you stop to the next gas station? i need some air” he was clearly reaching a major crisis and he needed to be alone to explode  
Robb nodded and after a mile he parked at the gas station, entered the bar to take a coffee, while Jon headed to the restroom. He locked himself up in the tiny stall, inhaled and exhaled profoundly and smashed his fists against the door “Damn it!! I’m an asshole, I fucked up” he closed his eyes, looking for a way to gain an interior tranquility he had lost since had cheated on Sansa  
“breathe, breathe. Everything will be fine”  
He repeated it to himself more than once, he knew it wasn’t true though. Robb was acting differently, weird, the new information about his night with Ygritte changed Robb’s perspective, he saw letdown and sadness in his eyes and it was unbearable for Jon to see.  
“Jon? are you here?” Robb yelled  
“yeah, I’m coming!”  
“hurry up, I wanna get home asap”  
Jon splashed some water on his face, he then saw his own reflexion on the mirror: he looked like a devastating man who little by little was losing everyone he ever cared about in his life and it was his fault. But he had to be strong, he had to start fresh, he had to take control of his life, that’s what was driving him to not destroy himself and give up

 

 

_“Sansa! Sansa! Sansa! IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!” Arya woke her up the saturday morning of her 16th birthday_  
_“wake up!!” she was screaming jumping up and down on her bed, then landed with a thud right next to her sister “aren’t you excited?”_  
_“I am, I’m just asleep Arya” she yawned_  
_“I saw some of your presents from mom and dad”_  
_“Arya! don’t you dare tell me what they got me!”_  
_“alright alright, I think Robb got you something too, Bran and Rickon were doing something yesterday closed in their room, they told me it was for you” she smiled “I don’t know about Jon though” she shrugged_  
_“Jon never got me anything, but he’s not like my brother or something, it doesn’t really matter” Sansa sadly said_  
_“we consider him family, except our mom obviously” Arya rolled her eyes “and he always got me a little present”_  
_“yeah ok but you two are closer, you have more in common and you spend more time together”_  
_“that’s because you can’t even talk to him like a normal person” Arya pointed out_  
_“that’s not true” she said indignantly_  
_Arya laughed out loud “but it’s not only your fault, he really doesn’t know how talk to you either”_  
_“how would you know that?”_  
_“I asked him” she simply answered_  
_“what did you do????”_  
_“I asked him why you two don’t talk that much, simple”_  
_“that’s so you”_  
_“he said you’re so different he doesn’t know what to tell you other than ‘Hi!’, which is so stupid by the way”_  
_“Oh”_  
_“don’t worry I told him you have a crush on him”_  
_“you didn’t! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you in the first place!! I hate you!”_  
_Arya burst out laughing “I’m kidding!”_  
_“you didn’t?” she asked already feeling a lot better_  
_“I’d never do it, I don’t wanna embarrass you that way”_  
_Sansa sighed_  
_“anyway…I repeat it,I don’t think he got me a present, doesn’t matter I’m ok with that. I love presents, but it would be enough if he talked to me every now and then”_  
_“you’re an easy girl to please”_  
_“apparently”_

_That night they had dinner celebrating Sansa’s birthday, everyone was there, Jon included._  
_After dessert, Sansa unwrapped all presents, her mom and dad got her a day at the local spa to share with a friend and a sewing course of 10 lessons for the summer_  
_“oh my god this is the best present ever!! thank you so much” she was almost crying and ran towards her parents to hug them_  
_“Yeah yeah look at mine, you may change your mind” Robb interrupted and handed her a big wrapped box “open it”_  
_She did and found a sewing machine inside and a pack of bobbins of different threads, several needles of different sizes and many kind of fabrics to work on_  
_“you can take lessons, but what can you do without a sewing machine at home?” he winked_  
_Sansa was paralyzed from the excitement “wow Robb, I didn’t expect this…I’m…i don’t know what to say”_  
_“a thank you and a hug to your big brother should be enough” he laughed_  
_She literally jumped on him, unable to say anything comprehensible._  
_She then unwrapped every other present from arya, her brothers and her uncles._  
_As she expected Jon didn’t give her anything, she wasn’t disappointed though, he was smiling, joking with everyone and seemed happy at her bday party._

_Sansa got ready to go out partying with her friends, they wanted to celebrate properly her 16 years_  
_“I don’t like that dress, too short” Robb popped out behind her as she was staring at herself in the mirror_  
_“not your business Robb” he smirked and leaned his chin against her shoulder “there’s someone who wants a word with you” she frowned_  
_“who?”_  
_“I’ll let you two alone” he swiftly stepped out of her room and two seconds after a knock on the door caught her attention_  
_“may I come in?” there was Jon on the doorstep waiting for her sign to come inside her room. She blacked out and all of a sudden panic-stricken_  
_“yeah..sure come in” she swallowed_  
_“I don’t want to take your time..but” he kept ruffling his hair nervously “I have a thing for you, it’s actually a little present”_  
_His left hand was behind his back hiding something “I was a bit clueless about what you might like, so I opted for something I knew you would appreciate, I mean…I guess so”_  
_He then handed her a black velvet tiny box with a golden ribbon_  
_Sansa’s eyes beamed “Jon you didn’t have to”_  
_“I wanted to, you’re family to me” he said sincerely_  
_Her heart was beating fast, her hands were sweating, she was trembling, unaware of what that box was containing. She untied the knot of the ribbon and opened it_  
_“oh my god” she exclaimed at the sight of the rhinestone crystal bracelet. She brought her hand to her lips “oh god”_  
_“is it too much? i was afraid it may be too much”_  
_“no no it’s beautiful Jon, I just… didn’t expect this from you”_  
_“I really wanted to give you something this year and when I saw it I thought you might love it, I asked Robb and Arya for confirmation and they assured me you would like it, so..” he rambled in his husky voice_  
_“I love it Jon, it’s..perfect” she smiled as she was still looking at the bracelet, almost in tears_  
_“I’m glad” he sighed in relief “I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you after dinner, but…I preferred giving it to you in private, besides it’s nothing compared you parents and Robb’s gifts”_  
_she tilted her head “you kidding? it’s wonderful Jon, I love it. will you help me put it on?”_  
_“of course” he took the bracelet and clasped it around her wrist_  
_“it looks amazing on you”_  
_Sansa couldn’t believe what was happening, for a lot of people it could have meant nothing, but to her it meant the world_  
_“You’ve chosen well, Ygritte must be happy you have good taste on jewelry” she was used to say the most inappropriate and painful thing, in the most inappropriate time and she had no idea why she kept doing it_  
_“I..she doesn’t like jewelry, I’ve never given her one. Most probably you’ll be the only girl to receive a jewel from me” he chuckled_  
_“oh, you’re very sure about Ygritte being the one for you” she attempted to form a smile of a sort_  
_“pretty sure she’s the one for me for the rest of my life” he blushed clearly thinking of the love of his life._  
_Sansa was crushed at those words, words so simple for him to say, a clear message she would never be an option for him, a reason for her to be miserable, but she couldn’t. Because selflessness was Sansa’s greatest virtue and flaw and being truly happy for him wasn’t a mask to cover her jealousy, it was sincere and honest._  
_“well, lots of things can happen in life, you never know” she said, obviously hoping he’d be the one to put a ring on her finger one day, a girl can only dream_  
_“yeah you’re right, but enough with this, it’s your day. Go and have fun tonight”_  
_“thank you Jon”_

 

She had never taken off that bracelet, till that infamous night happened and everything Jon had given to her was thrown into a box hidden then in one of Lyanna’s closets.

  
She was only wearing earrings, the ones her mother got her for her 20th birthday, she had changed multiples times, but none of her outfit seemed decent enough for her date with Jaime. She opted for a simple, lace ivory dress, right above her knees, a black blazer and black heels.  
She was nervous and excited, and maybe a little afraid it would end up terribly. She didn’t have high expectations though, after her only serious relationship ended, she wanted to take it slow. Immediate commitment was out of the picture.

  
“you look stunning” Jaime picked her up at Lyanna’s house  
“thank you, I didn’t know where we’d be going and I chose something simple”  
“it’s perfect. You’re perfect” he smiled “we’re actually going to restaurant my family owns, you’ll love it”

The restaurant was outside the city, right on the beach and Jaime had reserved the table with the best view  
They were sitting one in front the other “it’s nice here, I didn’t know about this place”  
“neither did I, but my brother decided to buy it a few months ago and relaunch the business”  
“Is it going well?”  
“when a Lannister decides an activity has to be relaunched, it must go well, more then well actually”  
“you make it sound like your family is truly powerful”  
“pretty much so”  
“you don’t like it” she stated  
“and why would you think that?” he curiously asked  
“just a hunch, you don’t seem to quite love the fame”  
“so now you know about my ‘fame’ ”  
Sansa chuckled “someone made some research for me”  
“you were the first girl who didn’t recognize me in the first place, you talked to me like a normal person. I hadn’t experienced that for many years”  
“that’s why you asked me out?”  
“you don’t treat me like some kind of a bank, you don’t care who i am and I can be with you without wondering why you’re doing it. And you’re beautiful, full of light. I enjoy you”  
“so much with the compliments tonight” she was drinking her second glass of wine, the good one from Valyria  
“I can’t lie, that’s the truth”  
Dinner was one of the best she had had in years, Jaime was revealing himself as a down to earth man and they kept talking of each other like it was the most natural thing in the world. For once Sansa felt like the only one in the room. She felt worshiped and flattered.  
“you still haven’t told me anything about your future” Jaime uttered to Sansa’s surprise  
“what do you wanna know?”  
“your hopes, your dreams, anything you want in life”  
“I wanna open a shop where I can sell my own clothing line” she embarrassingly admitted “I was hoping to open a boutique, but I want to do something bigger, like designing my own collection”  
“big dreams”  
“maybe I’m not cut for it, but I wanna try”  
“there’s always something so sad about you, you keep degrading yourself and your skills. You shouldn’t”  
“I’m not really sure I have the skills for this thing, it seems…too big, too much”  
“it’s a challenge for you, it might be overwhelming, but that’s not reason to not try and not give it a go. Why haven’t you done it before?”  
“I..I finished high school, took a year off to decide what to do , then I started a relationship with my ex and I didn’t think anymore about college, my dreams. He was my future and It was enough for me to settle down with him, having an ordinary job, maybe kids one day”  
Jaime was left perplexed “so you had a boyfriend for..3 years?  
“yeah almost 3 years”  
“and you were ready to give up on your dreams for him? so young? did you love him that much?” Jaime was interested in her story, he was becoming a good listener and he didn’t really care about her ex boyfriend  
“I did, he was my world, but then…something happened and I realized he wasn’t worth it”  
“I don’t mean to be rude, but did you break up with him?”  
“I broke up with him and I’ve suffered so much since then, but right now I see it’s been for the best”  
“I’m glad you chose to change life. I don’t know the guy but you deserve so much more Sansa, you deserve to fulfill your dreams”  
“why are you so kind to me? you say I deserve it, but you don’t know me”  
“because I’m starting to see who you are and I don’t believe you’re meant to be a good housewife, which I’m sure is a job many women consciously choose, but not you”  
“it’s good to hear someone believing in me”  
“it’s a pleasure for me Sansa”

  
She had spent one the best evening of her life, Jaime was great, a real gentleman, he knew how to how to flirt, how to treat her with respect and certainly he knew there are always boundaries on a first date.  
She felt a true connection with him and she hoped, he was feeling it as well.  
Nonetheless she was cautious, that was her number one rule: Be cautious. He was a nice man, handsome, rich, charming, but she couldn’t fall for that right away, she needed time, she needed to see what would happen next. She was oblivious of her romantic future, the only thing she was aware of was her future as a college student, which was enough to think about considering she had to work 30 hours per week, attend courses and study. That was her life, her focus.  
Sure, she felt the urge to kiss Jaime, to know how it was like to feel his lips on hers, the warmth of his mouth, the tickle of his defined stubble beard rubbing on her cheeks, but she didn’t and he didn’t push anything on her. Instead she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and wished him goodnight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the bracelet.  
> 
> 
> I usually give general descriptions so that you can imagine it your own way, but that has to be the bracelet. Maybe some of you will recognize where it comes from
> 
> if you want to ask me something, I always check messages here __  
> [hisgirlinthewhitedress](http://hisgirlinthewhitedress.tumblr.com)  
> 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments, they're all really helpful!  
> I know I don't update that often, but I hope you're staying with me :)

Sansa woke up out of breath, put a hand over her chest and sighed.

“Why do I keep dreaming about it?” she asked herself

  
Her first ever kiss with Jon was becoming a recurring dream, she was reliving it and in each single dream there was a new detail, a new feeling of acknowledgement that what they did was too rushed at that time. Was it becoming a nightmare? no, just tiredness of the same dream playing all over and over again in her head. Was it because of Jaime? was that dream her inner conscience telling her to take it slow with him? Even slower than what she’d been doing for the past three months?  
Three months was the amount of time that passed since her first date with Jaime and nothing happened yet. He visited her when he was in town, they spent a good amount of time together like…friends, sort of friends, with no benefits involved...well,for the time being. She thought he might grow tired of her, that he wasn’t really keen on this sort of friendship with her, but he was persistent - he brought her flowers, he took her out to see other cities in Dorne, took her with him sailing, went together to the local theater, visited fashion museums and gave to her tons of books and material about the industry. It seemed he was starting to care more and more about her and her happiness.  
They talked a lot. He was well-read, educated, smart, polite and attentive; he had lots of stories to tell about himself,his family and his past; Sansa on her part was opening up to him and things about Jon and her relationship with him were spilling out and Jaime was revealing himself as a good listener.  
He never moved a step forward to bring their relationship to the next level, he was patiently waiting for her to be ready. The problem was, she didn’t know if she would ever be ready.  
Physically, she was. He was the most handsome man she’s ever met in her life, he was able to make her go crazy with his unmistakable scent and his melodic voice and she would likely jump on him and taste his lips the way you taste one of the finest red wine from King’s Landing's vineyards, she had had the impulse so many times and each time she did give herself a strict order to end her inner desires to be his and revel on the joy that his body would give to her.  
Her heart though wouldn’t take any break any time soon; she was scared to start over again and do the same, exact mistake she had done with Jon three years before: the rush to get the man she lusted for and take the leap as soon as he gave her a hint that feelings were surfacing on his part.

Maybe that was the reason why she kept dreaming about her first kiss with Jon, to impede her to make a mistake again, to be careful, to enjoy her single life.

 

She remembered that the first two weeks after the break up with Ygritte had been spent to recover from such heartbreak, she had heard him talking about it with Robb, while she was thinking how she could be helpful to soothe the pain for losing the one he claimed to be the love of his life. She even remembered how for a tiny second, she looked at him and wondered why she had to pine over a man who was never going to love her the way she loved him - maybe false hopes still lying in her hearts or just the inevitable feeling to be in love with him no matter what and selflessly giving him what she could to see him happy, even if it meant without her.

And she remembered clearly that at the third week, she had gathered the strength to speak the truth right in front of him

 _“she doesn’t deserve you, you know?” she finally had the chance to walk into the kitchen and find Jon alone as he was waiting for Arya to accompany her to the football practice that day._  
_It was unusual to have Jon all alone in her house, he was always in someone’s company and in her complicated mind she couldn’t bring herself to talk to him when one of her siblings was around._

_He looked at her puzzled and speechless “you’re a great guy, it’s a shame she doesn’t see how much you love her” she timidly pointed out_

_He smiled “thank you Sansa. It’s very nice of you”_

_Awkwardness was lingering in the room, Jon was a man of a few words, even with the ones he loved_  
_“I just wanted you to know that….if you ever want to…talk with someone other than Robb, you can count on me” it took her a lot of courage to say it in front of him and lots of injected self-esteem to not sound pathetic_

_Jon stood still for a couple of seconds before uttering something “I will. I mean you don’t have to feel forced to…”_

_Sansa at that point completely lost her patience “Jon, I’m doing it because you’re family and even though we barely talk, I care about you, but if you don’t realize it…we can’t…I can’t help you the way I’d like to” she didn’t know where that boldness came from, but she was tired to hide, tired to see him so uncomfortable around her_

_His smile grew and let out a chuckle “alright. I was planning to go back home once I take Arya to practice, but we could spend some time together, If you have time”_

_She let out a sigh of relief “yeah I have a quick errand to run, but I think you’ll find me here when you come back”_

_They were embarrassingly staring at each other, neither of them knowing what to do or say next._

_“emm…now I’m going upstair” she said vigorously indicating the stairs behind her, ready to lock herself up in her room and shake off those last minutes in Jon’s presence filled with discomfort and embarrassment_

_“i don’t know when Arya will be ready, you can wait for her with me…” he was beyond agitated for no proper reason, or maybe because she was the Stark kid who looked the most like Catelyn, in both her looks and personality - she was Catelyn’s perfect girl, a rare beauty, with fragile, porcelain skin, auburn hair and mesmerizing deep blue eyes. How to talk to her without sounding like an idiot? so he sat on the stool of the kitchen and pointed to her to sit next to him_

_“she’s late” he said as she was clumsily stepping towards him_

_“she’s always late and somehow you never learn to pick her up at least 10 minutes later” she chuckled while sitting next to him_

_“I like being on time and honestly I always feel your mother’s eyes on me and I prefer to avoid her anger"_

_Sansa was attempting to find the right position and stay still on the stool without making strange, weird panicking movements “do you still listen to my mom after all this time?” she finally decided to cross her legs and rest her arms on the counter_

_“it’s the least I can do, she really doesn’t like my presence here” he was fighting with his fingers and kept tapping in right foot on the floor_

_“the rest of us does, I don’t mind you in our home” she almost whispered as she was imagining the actual place she would like Jon to be with her_

_He smiled, but just when he was about to say something, Arya screamed out loud from the frontdoor “IT’S FUCKING LATE, LET’S GO”_

_both Jon and Sansa tittered “mmm if you have to run an errand, I can take you. Come with me”_

_she widened he eyes in surprise, she totally did not expect that from him. She then nodded all smiley and happy._

 

 

_“so..I know it’s hard for you to talk about it, but I still don’t understand why she broke up with you, it makes no sense” they were at the supermarket buying a few things for dinner, Jon strolling beside her_

_“she said she doesn’t actually want a stable relationship anymore, it was too much pressure and expectations, so she left me”_

_Sansa turned her head and furrowed her eyebrow in confusion “after so many years she feels the pressure? seriously? you seemed so in love and happy”_

_“well the job offer in Pyke gave her the final push to leave me” he lowered his head, Sansa could perceive the sadness in his slouchy demeanor_

_“then you’re better off without her” he chuckled at her blunt statement_

_“what’s wrong?” she was lost by his laugh_

_“very direct of you to say so”_

_“should I tell you to pine over her for the rest of your life?” yeah, she was the one speaking, the girl who had been pining over the same guy since she could remember. Did she have to be a bit of a hypocrite to cheer him up? absolutely, that was part of pining over the same guy for years after all_

_“no, you’re right. The thing is…you’re the first one who’s trying to tell me to forget about her”_

_“well, forget is a big word. You still love her and it’s clear, just go on with your life, it doesn’t end here. We’re young, we have many years ahead of us. Don’t be stuck in suffering for her. That was her choice to end your relationship and it’s time for you to react” was that a piece of advice for herself other than Jon? was she trying tell to herself to get over him and go on with her life? it surely seemed like something Robb or Arya would tell her every once in while about Jon ‘the sooner you get over him, the better’_

_“and what would you suggest to do?” he mischievously looked at her, waiting for her answer._

_She intently didn’t look him in the eyes and went on choosing the fresh vegetables to buy “distract yourself with either something you love to do or even better, with something you never thought you’d do in your whole life, but that you secretly wished to do one day. It might be the best choice you ever made”_

_“like talking with you”_

_she froze, swallowed very hard and let the tomato slip out of her hand. She felt his eyes boring into her, but she didn’t have the courage to turn around and boldly staring at him and say something sarcastic._

_“til now it’s the best thing I’ve done in weeks” he said without taking away his eyes from her_

_“oh come on, that’s not a big deal” she was screaming at herself inside ‘ THAT’S A BIG, HUGE ENORMOUS DEAL’_

_he picked up the tomato and handed it over to her “the smashed tomato seems to disagree” he smiled and in that precise moment she couldn’t avoid his dark eyes anymore and for a few seconds she got lost in them_

_Yeah, get over him. Nice thought, not enough after clicking with Jon in that damn supermarket. That’s how it all started. That’s how a few months later outside his house after a night out laughing and talking like old friends, she almost collapsed when he delicately placed his left hand on her cheek, slowly leaned against her forehead and kissed her. It was soft, light at first, it then became more eager and demanding till the moment of surprise finished and she wrapped her hands around his neck as he kept hold of her blushed face and deepened the kiss, letting his tongue slip through her lips and intertwine with hers, moving his hands around her hips and tightening his grasp._

_It was raw, rough, passionate, warm._

_He claimed her in a way she never knew could be possible, she had dreamed of that moment for many years and finally it was happening_

_That’s when it all started with many kisses ready to come, that’s how in a matter of a few minutes, the status of their relationship changed forever._

  
Three years passed and now she was lying on her bed in Dorne wishing that kiss never happened.

It had been the kiss that decided all, she had made a choice to give herself to Jon right away, without questioning where he wanted to go from there, what he truly felt for her, if he in all honesty ever got over Ygritte. She supposed he did get over her, didn’t he? why would he kiss her then?

 

She wasn’t in love with Jaime though and everything with him was just different, but she was a fragile, broken hearted girl who didn’t need to endure anymore pain. A part of her just wanted to enjoy her life as a single young woman, following her dreams and attending college with no strings attached. She was living her own life, not as a prop for Jon or Jaime or any other man and she had to keep that security with her.

Who knew how much of that security she had to keep the day she started college?

 

It was…hard to say the least, she wasn’t used to that much of a chaos surrounding her and it had been years since she last opened a text book, which she knew would create a few problems. Her brain wasn’t used to acquire tons of information anymore and she needed a lot of effort to get back on track.  
Luckily she wasn’t the oldest of her course, as Jaime told her people in their 40s were attending classes and seeing it from her own eyes certainly did something positive to her.

She had multiple choices, Dorne was a very prolific region with tons of universities and institutes, Lyanna really wanted her to go to the Sunspear University for obvious reasons, but it wasn’t her aunt who convinced her, it was the one course they had that made her take the final decision: Fashion Management. She scrolled through the website reading the course details, carefully inspecting each subjet’s program and what her career wold entail once graduated.  
Yeah, she wanted to open her store, but she didn’t want to preclude other possible paths to take, the fashion world was an enormous business full of possibilities for her and it’d be a waste to not look around and get a glimpse of different ways her future would look like.

The first week of lessons she realized the competition was extremely high, girls younger than her were already on the verge to fight to get what they wanted and Sansa really had to do more than just study, she already had to start build her career in a way or another, with or without graduation.

As the week went by, she kept talking about it to Lyanna - making her own clothes and sell them, working in store instead of a simple restaurant or looking for an immediate internship for the next year - till Sansa got an idea: starting her own blog about fashion.

“isn’t it risky?” Lyanna wasn’t sure the idea would work out

“it’d cost me almost nothing, some of my creations are in the closet covered of dust and I don’t have to necessarily use only your own stuff, I could match mine with something of other brands” she sounded more and more enthusiast of this project

“well…there are tons of fashion blogger out there and not everyone succeed in gaining their own followers, but why not? it may be a start” Lyanna chimed in

“you’re on board then?” Sansa happily smiled

“you have to be on board, I support you”

“by the way, I think I'm gonna look for a job in a clothing store or a boutique anyway, i really don’t wanna work anymore in that restaurant” it wasn’t actually a bad place, she met loads of good people, but it wasn’t for her

“i know, i see you come home always stressed out, that’s not for you. Do you think…someone named Jaime might help you with that?” Lyanna asked. She wasn’t 100% fully on board with this friendship of hers, but Sansa was enjoying the company of someone and as much as she was the adult one, she could only warn Sansa and let her be

“possibly, but i don’t wanna owe him anything at all, I’ll see what I can do by myself”

  
She really didn’t wanna owe Jaime anything, she never meant to ask him for favors, but it was getting hard to find a job. As she entered in a boutique or a just a simple mall clothing store, girls would look at her from head to toe, examine her and utter “we’ll call you”

Yeah, we’ll call you my ass.

That’s when she decided to ask him, hoping he wouldn’t ask anything back and he’d do it only as a favor for a friend  
“you seem so nervous today, what’s wrong?” Jaime wasn’t a man to fool, he noticed every little detail and he wouldn’t miss her inadequacy

“i need to ask you a favor. I really didn’t want to, I tried my best to not come to this, but i really really need you for this” she kept her eyes closed while speaking

“okay, tell me. Anything for you”

they were sitting on the booth of a diner just outside the university campus, she was the one who called him to meet up for lunch

“you know I'm getting tired of being a waitress. It does not bring anything to me for my future, so i’m looking for another job, possibly in a clothing store or something similar, I sent my résumé everywhere and it seems like no one is in need of someone or I'm no fit for the job and i was thinking…if you might…oh my god this is hard for me…” she sighed “if you might help me, maybe give a call to establish an interview, obviously if you know someone”

“consider it done. what do you prefer?”

“doesn’t matter where, just an interview even in a small shop in a mall, really…anything. I’d be grateful”

he tilted his head to look her in eyes that she was hiding behind her long hair “Sansa you don’t need to feel ashamed, people do this all the time. Connections, references are the order of the day, it’s ok you asked me, you’re using an acquaintance that’s all” he was really good at reassuring people

she turned her head and scrutinized his eyes “i’m not just using an acquaintance. I’m using a Lannister!”

“oh now it matters that i’m a Lannister” Sansa couldn’t catch whether he was joking or he was a bit offended, but she clarified her position with him

“it doesn’t matter to me, but to all of them your name is a big deal and who knows what they’e gonna think”

“let them think whatever they want. It’s your life, your job, your opportunities to take. People will always talk behind your back, will always have something negative to say and most of the time will always try to crush you. It’s up to you to prove your worth. So do you want a job or not?” he inquired

“I do”

“then you’ll have it”

  
And she did have the job, after a few interviews, in a boutique in the center of Sunspear. It was a new one, not very known but with a growing clientele thanks to the newly brands that other shops had yet to sell.

The first few days weren’t easy, just like when she started at the restaurant. She didn’t have many colleagues, only three, two of them were basic bitches who would look at her with envious eyes, then there was Gilly, a seamstress who had been hired to satisfy every customer’s need and request.

She was friendly but very shy, she didn’t talk a lot, but was always glad to help anyone. Sansa wasn’t looking for a friend, in a place full of snakes she would endure all the shit she'd pass through alone, but luckily for her Gilly turned out to be a nice person and someone she could really be close to, not like Jeyne. She didn't have anything against Jeyne, but she happened to have a big mouth and that was the right reason not to tell her anything extremely personal. On the other hand Gilly seemed the kind of girl who would keep a secret, who would listen to you and give heartfelt advices. Sansa really needed a good friend, not her aunt, not a man like Jaime, not random girls who would call her every now and then. Just a good friend to trust with her deepest secrets and Sansa was hoping Gilly would be that friend.

 

 

 

 

Jon moved to a small place in the Kingsgrave district, he left without many goodbyes from the Starks, Robb coldly promised he’d call him and let him know whether he would visit him or not, but Jon knew he wouldn’t and in someway it was okay. He had hurt Sansa and the whole family, he deserved that.

It had been hard to settle down, people in the South were the total opposite of Northerners - welcoming, warming, friendly and at times they kinda acted a bit intrusive. He rented an apartment in the same building where he used to live with his father before moving to Winterfell, a tiny one useful for the needs of a single person. He never expected to meet the same people who used to live there more than 20 years before and in fact really young families or roommates were staying, except for one old lady living right above his apartment.

That old lady recognized him the minute she saw him stepping into the hall of the building

“Jon? is that you little boy?” she welcomed him that way, hugging him tight and therefore asked him what happened after they had left Kingsgrave.

He was very little when he last met her, he had undefined memories of a woman holding him and playing with him when he was little but he never managed to remember who she was.  
She was Melisandre, the woman who helped his father for a while after his mother died, she helped him till he settled to the new reality of widower and single parent. It took him some time as he was suffering for the loss of the woman he loved, but Jon knew, although he was merely one at that time, that Rhaegar put his armor on and used all his strength to react, live and move on.  
He used to work 14 hours a day, with two jobs and no time to dedicate to his little boy, but everything he did was for him, for Jon. Melisandre remembered all too well that period - the pain, the suffering, the effort, the hard work, the strain, the fatigue but nonetheless the joy of having a son to raise.  
That life went on for a few years, when Rhaegar got a job offer in Winterfell, a job that would allow him to work a sane amount of time, without neglecting his son. Melisandre wept the day they left, she kept writing to Rhaegar and he would send her photos of Jon growing up and becoming a little homie. They lost contact after a year because of their busy lives, but truth be told Melisandre never told Rhaegar of her heart attack that forced her to stay at the hospital for a few months and then bedridden at home, leaving her unable to write him, like she liked to do despite the new technologies, anymore. It had been her choice to leave Rhaegar unaware of her precarious conditions, after all he had just taken his life back in Winterfell, it was senseless bringing him back to Kingsgrave.

“and here I am after all these years still breathing and able to see with my own eyes the man you’ve become” she grabbed his hand and held it tight “I never thought I’d see the day your father passed away”

Jon didn’t think she knew about his dad’s death, besides he didn’t remember her at his funeral

“I don’t remember a lot, maybe you were there and I didn’t notice”

“oh no boy, it’s too much of a travel for me. A man, named Eddard, called me, he said he’d make anything possible to make sure I’d be at the funeral, but I preferred the memory of a young, healthy Rhaegar to keep forever with me. Besides, I know that man on the phone took care of you eventually” she smiled, that genuine smile of a mother that he never knew

“He did, more than he should have”

  
He liked living there, close to a person who had got to know his father and mother. Thanks to her he got acquainted with the city in short time and got to know about a few job position that could be of interest to him.

He wasn’t happy, he was far from getting back on track with his life, but it seemed like something was working in the right direction for him. Change of place? weather? atmosphere? He felt less broody and his destructive nature to ruin everything good in his life was certainly a bit far from him.

He didn’t get to know anyone in the first month, but he got a job instead, it was only on probationary period, but it was better than nothing and he was paid the minimum wage, which totally helped with his savings.

He got the chance that he never had back in Winterfell - web designer for an agency that operated all over the South - he never actually studied for it, only self-taught with tons of books, online websites and lots of will to learn. He started just as pastime during free time and he became quite good in it, but never ever thought to make it professionally til now.

He literally sent his résumé everywhere, he’d accept anything to gain money and start doing something. As a matter of fact to fill the blank space he added more info about him, which included being fluent in english, valyrian and a bit of Dothraki thanks to his aunt; the last thing he added was his skills in web designing attaching a few links of some of his works he had done for a few people.  
The day of the interview as a test they gave to him a possible client’s request and asked him to start setting the layout of the page, something simple but that followed the guidelines of the order.  
After a few days he received a call, a very enthusiast man informed him he got the job, but since he wasn’t graduated he’d be on probationary time for 6 months.

That’s where he met Sam at the cafeteria. He was the nicest guy he ever met in his life, stuttering every now and then, especially with girls, a bit clumsy and way too chatty with Jon.

They were becoming good friends, Sam was turning out to be one of the most genuine and honest people in his life, so after two months he felt ready to tell him the real reason why he moved to Kingsgrave other than “looking for a new job and new thrills in his life”.

“you don’t look like…that kind of guy” Sam confessed after hearing the whole story “you know, the cheater”

“and what do I look like? because as of now I see my myself and all I see is a fucking cheater so…”

“well, I saw how the girls at work stare at you and they’re literally drooling and eating you with their eyes” he stated a bit embarrassed “so I’m not wrong if I say you’re…dreamy”

Jon bitterly chuckled “I wish I was, but I’m not. I’m far from being dreamy, I’m quite the ruiner of relationships” e said as he gulped his beer

“so you’re not interested in any of them?”

Jon furrowed his brows “I’m not thinking about girls now, I have no intention in getting into another relationship”

“I don’t think they’re quite into relationships those girls, I heard a conversation once and all they think about is ‘getting laid’” he sheepishly admitted

“sex with no strings attached?” Jon asked

“yeah, they want just..sex” Sam couldn’t properly understand where he was getting to

“I did it, I did it and I screwed up. I’m not up for that”

“that might be a bit different, don’t you think? you slept with an ex you were in love with while you were with another woman you’re supposed to be in love with. They’re girls who want to have fun, you never met me before, no feelings involved…”

“the problem is not them” Jon stopped Sam during his rambling “they might be gorgeous, but I can’t have sex with anybody now”

“because of her? Sansa?”

He nodded “how do I get over her? how do I forgive myself? how do I start a new life without thinking about the past?”

“you can’t, the past is part of your life and you have to learn to deal and live with that. You can’t forgive yourself, only Sansa can forgive you”

“I sought her forgiveness but I was selfish, I was thinking about myself and not about her. She deserves all the happiness in the world and after what I did to her, it’s only right that I learn to live with my regret” for the first time he was saying it out loud, an admission to himself about a regret that will stay forever with him

“time will tell, Jon. Who knows what’s gonna happen, maybe she’ll forgive you” Sam, the optimistic one, ready to cheer him up even though they barely knew each other.

He had come to the final acceptance she’d never forgive him, she’d never want to see him again, look him in the eyes again, be in the same room again. He wasn’t fine with that, he’ll never be fine with it, but he could learn to live with the thought of not having her in his arms again, or have her in his bed by his side in the morning, to hear her talk, laugh, rant, to hold her hands, to kiss her or make love to her.

He will learn to move on always with her in his heart.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Redemption is not always a path in constant rise

Sansa’s life turned out to be frenetic and busy, she didn’t have free time to spend for herself or with Lyanna, let alone with Jaime. She hadn’t seen him for two weeks, a few texts every now and then but nothing more. He was traveling a lot, apparently out of Westeros in the unknown, exotic lands of Essos.

As for friends, she talked a lot with Gilly, who additionally had been teaching her some tricks with the sewing machine. Sansa had learned and still was capable to use it after a long time without it, but having someone like Gilly, who worked on a daily basis with needles, fabrics and bobbins, was helpful and useful.

“How is it going with Jaime?” Gilly asked as she was shortening a pair of jeans for a client, the store was momentarily closed for the lunch break and Sansa was eating in the backroom where Gilly used to work

“there’s nothing going on, he’s just a friend”

“yeah, just a friend” she chuckled

“ok i don’t know what we are, but I'm not ready”

“of course you’re not ready, you’re scared”

“sorry? I’m what?”

Gilly sighed and paused from her work “you’re afraid to be hurt again by a man and you’ll always tell yourself you’re not ready. Besides, the age gap is not helping the situation”

“what if I just want to have fun? why do I need a relationship?”

“I never said you need a relationship, you are the one pretending that hanging out with a fine man it’s just friendship when we all know it’s not. So I’m asking you, what do you want from him?”

Sansa stood up and threw her hands in the air “I wanna kiss him sooo bad, I haven’t seen him for two weeks and the only thing I think about are his lips and his smile and his green eyes staring at me like I’m the most gorgeous woman on earth” she put her hands on her heart “I want to sleep with him. ok I said it, I wanna fuck him”

“that’s..that’s interesting” Gilly nodded

“I need to get him out of my mind, I need to do something else”

“since you’ve started university, I still haven’t seen you going to one of those parties you college guys organize, I don’t know how it works but you guys have fun at such parties, in theory”

“yeah some girls invited me to go with them, but I didn’t” she shrugged

“go!! there will be plenty of guys your age, I guess. Maybe a one night stand will be the right solution” she winked

“Gilly!!!”

“what? that’s not a crime and there’s nothing to be ashamed of”

“I don’t think that’s something for me”

“then just have fun, don’t act like an old lady”

“listen who is talking! 24 year old woman who tonight is going home to make soup for her mother. You know? you should come with me” Sansa prompted

“me? no I’m perfectly fine with my old, boring life with no man. I’m happy this way”

“no you’re not, you’re coming with me. I’ll let you know when” she jumped up and down like a kid

  
They did go to a college party the following week, Sansa knew a few people and chatted for a while, whereas Gilly was feeling a bit out of place and uncomfortable, so Sansa dragged her into the throng and gave her a drink to “let loose”

“drink, dance, have fun with me!!!” Sansa was visibly tipsy, on her way to get drunk very soon

Gilly did drink something alcoholic that she couldn’t actually define with a name and after a couple of hours she crouched down on a sofa as her head was spinning fast. She wanted to get out of there with Sansa, who apparently was still drinking and….playing the spin the bottle game? she saw her from afar kissing a guy, but her eyelids were drooping, sleep took over her and she fell into a catatonic state.

Sansa were the one to wake her up “Gilly, Gilly, Gilly!! I wanna go home now”

Gilly was clueless how they’d go home alone, in the middle of the night with Sansa drunk.

“can we call someone to come and get us? your aunt?”

“NOOOOO she mustn’t know! she…wanted me…you know…to go to parties and whatevs, but i can’t ask her to pick me up. I’m so drunk Gill…” she said as smashing a hand on her face

“ok then if you give me a few minutes, let me drink some water and I can walk you home safe” Gilly slowly sat up on the sofa to regain her senses

“JAIME!!” Sansa shouted “let’s call jaime. He’s in town, he called this afternoon, he wanted to see me and i told him ‘no i got college thing to do’” she was babbling and laughing at the same time “then i said ‘maybe tomorrow’, you know to stay evasive”

“yeah right….evasive. Evasive like calling him in the middle of the night while you’re drunk. So evasive. by the way, are you sure you wanna call him?”

“kinda…it’s..mmm…a great idea Gill, lemme call him” she started to rummage in her bag to find her phone

“let me take this, I’ll call him. You’re not in condition to talk or…doing anything”

  
After 20 minutes, Sansa’s phone bleeped. He was outside and despite her confusional state, Sansa got a bit nervous to meet him

“fuck we shouldn’t have called him” she moaned in despair as they were walking towards his car

“now he’s here so there’s no turning back” Gilly scolded her

And there he was in black sweatpants and a dark green hoodie leaned against his car

Sansa was holding herself onto Gilly

“Hello, girls”

“Hi you must be Jaime” Gilly spoke “Sansa is…in a bit of…”

“I got it, I see it” he smiled still very sleepy

Gilly felt sorry for waking him up “we woke you up, I'm so sorry. If there had been any other option…”

“he waved his hand “don’t worry, I just wanna be sure you two go back home safe”

“Jaime I missed you so much” Sansa spoke up while her head was rested on her friend’s shoulder

“maybe it’s not the right time for such things” Gilly whispered in her ear

“let me take you home girls, come on let’s go”

  
The ride to Gilly’s home was silent, before stepping out of the car she apologized once more for the inappropriate call, kissed Sansa on the cheek and then she was gone.

“where are you taking me?” Sansa mumbled

“home, your aunt must be worried”

“I don’t wanna go home, can you take me to your apartment? do you have an apartment in Dorne anymore? you’re always away now, I don’t get to see you because you travel so much and well…I’m pretty busy too” she pouted

A bitter smile formed on his lips “I wish I could spend more time with you, believe me. I’ll try my best to not let you down, I’m sorry if I already have”

“you haven’t” she closed her eyes for a quite a bit, then she opened them again with a pondering stare “Jaime?”

“yes Sansa”

“this friendship, what is it? why you letting me do this to you? waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting” she stopped “where was I? oh yeah waiting and making me do stuff and taking me places and helping me finding a job. It’s too much to take”

“you’re worth it” he simply stated

“I know all about pining and waiting and it’s no good. I waited, I pined, I looooved him so much and I got hurt big time. I thought after many years that I had his heart, that he got over his first love, but no he never got over her because it’s…her. I can’t compete” she huffed

He let her ramble, he knew she needed to let it out. She had told him about this Jon, how much he hurt her, how much she waited for him to see her, a notion he cannot fully fathom. How can you not notice Sansa? She walks into a room and naturally stands out. It’s impossible not to see her.

“all I know is that I want to get to know you better. I still don’t know much about you, but you have a good heart, that’s for sure”

“that’s so sweet of you” she brought her hands to her chest

He parked outside Lyanna’s house “thank you Jaime, you’re a gentleman” she hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek

“you’re welcome sweet girl” he smiled, caressing her auburn hair

They were a few inches apart, staring at each other, she leaned towards him to kiss him, a slight graze of her lips on his and he drew back “we can’t Sansa, not like this. It’s not fair for me and for you”

she swallowed “uh..yeah…sorry. I didn’t” she stepped outside his car “Goodnight Jaime” and she ran

  
The day after, despite the gigantic headache and her poor sufferance to daylight, she went straight to Jaime’s, thankfully it was sunday and she didn’t have to work or go to class.

“Sansa? what are you doing here?” he had just opened the door with Sansa right at his doorsteps

“I didn’t really want to come here uninvited but i needed to see you” she was fidgeting with zipper of her hoodie

“alright come in. Want some coffee?”

“no thanks, today I’m good”

“how’s the hangover?”

“could be worse….right to the point: talking about last night…I…I don’t know what say, I don’t even remember half of the stuff I said. It’s all fuzzy and I feel so embarrassed. I shouldn’t have called you, it was a mistake”

“I’m glad to help”

“yeah, but this sort of stuff. It’s stupid and senseless and college stuff you shouldn’t be part of and please tell me I didn’t anything vulgar or daft”

he chuckled “you didn’t, you talk a lot when you’re drunk and you’re…very thoughtful and direct”

“oh god, did I talk about Jon?”

“well, you didn’t say his name, but it was clear you were referring to him”

she sighed “I’m a mess and I’m so sorry”

“stop saying it ok? I need you to recover now and besides, onto more exciting subjects, I saw the first post on your blog”

Sansa beamed “you did??”

“you gave me the link and I was waiting for you to finally post something and you did it!”

“it’s not going well though, not many views”

“you got 3 comments, nice ones. It’s a good start”

“you think?”

“it’s the beginning. Have you considered spreading the word at campus?”

She lowered her eyes in shame

“oh come on, it’s full of people, young people like you, that’s the range of readers you aim for” he really gave everything to encourage her and nothing would stop him

“i’m scared they’d laugh at me, there’s high competition there”

“and…that’s stopping you? shyness and insecurity are the last qualities you need to become a successful blogger. Do not give up, there’s more to come, more to post and more to do”

“yeah I guess so…”

“I was thinking about a thing, it’d be nice to have a man to photograph. Show that you have a good eye for male outfits, it might help”

“nice idea, I actually love to match outfits for men. I like this, why didn’t I think about it?” she exclaimed “what about you? you’re perfect” she regretted asking him the second after the words came out of her mouth. He’s a Lannister, he’d be recognize everywhere. Fuck.

“me? Sansa…I don’t know if it’s a good idea”

She then had an idea “you’re quite famous in Dorne, but I promise to photograph only the outfit, no face and you’ll be safe. No Jaime Lannister spotted”

“you must be very good to cover my identity”

“try me” she smiled despite the headache was bombing back to her

                                                                 ———————————————————————————————

  
Jon could lie to himself or to Sam, anybody actually, but he felt alone in Kingsgrave. He barely hang out, didn’t talk to the girls who were dripping over him, the only thing that was going well in his life was his job. The social interaction? it was sinking deep at the bottom of the ocean.

The notion of accepting Sansa out of his life forever, with no possibility of forgiveness was attainable in words, but unattainable when it came to real facts.

Melisandre was the mother figure he never had in life, nonetheless old and in the last month she had to pass most of the time bedridden, helped by Jon and an acquaintance, but it was becoming stressful for everyone and certainly their aid wasn’t the one required, which was why Melisandre decided to retire in a nursing home, where she would get the help of professionals. Unexpectedly it was a tough blow for Jon who promised to visit her whenever it was possible for him, yet time would tell him, it would never be the same thing as having her as neighbor and seeing her everyday.

Sam was the friend he needed, he didn’t know that much about him, but he was getting to know him better day after day. He was more similar to him than he ever expected, though less broody and naive enough to make him a hopeless optimistic; he wasn’t in good terms with his family, nevertheless he had to attend family meetings during festivities and reunions he’d gladly skip.  
He left in a very sour mood a week after Melisandre moved to the nursing home, unsure how long he’d stay there

“two weeks at most, then I have to go back to work.Wish me luck, it’s gonna me tremendous” he nervously chuckled “and don’t be a loner while I’m gone, have fun” he said before taking off.  
Jon just nodded, not sure what it meant to have fun, over all he didn’t know what it meant to have a life on his own.

The day after he was home, working for a new website commissioned by a client whose blog was currently on wordpress and was ready to take the big step and having his own url. To understand what kind of blog the client created, he made his research - “Fashion for men”. It was a bunch of photos with really short captions, loads of tags and an incredible amount of comments praising his sense of style. He went through various posts, he actually liked some of the outfit, but that was not what caught his attention, he saw a name in one of the comments session:

_“Sansa Stark says:_

_Great outfit, love Armani’s blue jeans”_

He clicked the name and a wordpress blog appeared. It didn’t have many posts on, but it was a brand new blog with pictures of her in different outfits, posing for the camera and smiling.

She was smiling and it was genuine, he could see it. Every picture was a sign of her happiness under the warming sun of Dorne. He remembered some of the dresses, her creations, the ones she didn’t let anyone see, now there they were open to the world to witness.

Her last post was dated a day before, the photo didn’t picture her though. It was a man, a tall and blond one. His face was half covered, only his smile was visible. Who was that man? it was a familiar face, he swore he could remember him somewhere, but the hat covering his face wasn’t helping. Who was he? Was he with Sansa? the very last photo of the post portrayed the two of them together, their backs to the camera, showing off the jackets they were wearing and her hand leaned on his arm while they’re both smiling.

He was someone special. Jon felt it, he could perceive it from that last picture.

He closed his laptop. Stared into the void with a thousand feelings surfacing. He was happy for her, for what she was doing with her life, her passion, her career; he was jealous of that man, envied him for having Sansa by his side, despite the pictures didn’t prove anything, he felt the payback thrown in his face; he was crushed like the world was falling apart, yet simultaneously he felt total admiration for the woman he loved.

Sadly for Jon, that was the truth he didn’t want to see, not yet at least. Because accepting a life with no Sansa in it, trying to restore an inner peace with himself to reach the point of starting a life with new people, a new family, a new woman to love was the hardest thing for him. It was an idealistic thought, frightening, but feasible only if he truly believed in it.  
And now that Sansa indirectly displayed to him a tiny part of her refound happiness with the help of her own strength and will, did he really believe he could undertake the renovation of his life? to let go of Sansa? to let go of the Stark family? he hadn’t heard from them for months, it was obvious they cut him out from their life. Robb was becoming more and more his former best friend, a ghost of his past; Arya probably was not capable to let go of his mistake and forgive him for what he did to her beloved big sister and Ned was the man who supported him through so much, but whose help and support now was needed by his own daughter.  
Did he have the strength to do it? he had to, for himself and his health.

 But the following week for him wound up being one of the toughest in his life to go through: lots of work, the absence of Sam, a few visits to Melisandre who was weakening day after day and a new addition that involved stalking Sansa’s blog, hoping to get info about her life; girls who would ask him out and he’d reject every single one of them because he was not interested, because he looked at them and saw nothing, because whereas they were talking to him, his mind would fly somewhere else.

He moved to Kingsgrave to change life, but found himself in a much worst position, in which he had no one to go to.

There was an unbridgeable void into him impossible to fill, which declared the beginning of his sinking days.

 

“is it clear then?”

“you explained it all on the phone, I got it”

Jon inspected from head to toe the woman in front of him “the money will be in an envelope on the dresser on your left, you’ll take them as we finish with no word. I’ll text you for the next meeting”

“do I satisfy your requirements?” she asked

“take off your clothes” he ordered

The redhead woman opened the zip in the back of her green, off shoulder bodycon dress and slid it off, unhooked her lace, skimpy black bra and and let her thong fall down her long legs.

“turn around”

she did as instructed, her long red mane flowing down her shoulders “good”

She pivoted on her heels to face him again “how do we start? you want me to rip your clothes off?”

“won’t be needed” he stripped his own clothes off and sat on the armchair “get on your knees”

she got on her knees and crawled towards him, her hands glided on his legs, her mouth met his erected cock and let it in deep in her throat. Jon tossed his head backwards, his eyes open trying to focus on the pleasure the girl was giving him, it wasn’t right at first and was about to stop her, but then he closed his eyes, grabbed her hair as her hands slid along his chest

“like this, yes Sansa” he moaned all of a sudden 

He squinted his eyes open and saw the red hair moving under him, just like Sansa’s.

She licked it, spit on his glan and pumped it hard, her mouth on his balls “damn it” he groaned

It had been too long since he last came and it didn’t take him that much to find his release. She went back sucking it and stroking it when he harshly stopped her head from bobbing and peaked deep down her throat “Sansa, Sansa ahhhhhhhhhh”

She swallowed it whole, stood up, grabbed her clothes and went straight to the bathroom of the hotel room. After a few minutes she came out dressed and found Jon on the bed in his boxers, she took the envelope and headed to the door

“thank you, Ros” he whispered with his head lowered

“no need to thank me, It’s my job. I do what you ask and you pay for it. Send me a message for the next time”

She left the room, Jon stayed alone on that bed for a while pondering over this new conduct of life he chose. He was depressed, lonely and so empty that he called an escort to feel something, to feel just for a minute to make things simpler with a woman who resembled Sansa, to call Sansa’s name in a moment of ecstasy and imagine for a single minute to have there, even if she was not.

He knew that, he wasn’t stupid to see what he was doing. After meeting her, he told himself it’d be the first and last time, he wouldn’t call her anymore and he’d stop immediately with that freak show he built in his head, but he kept texting her the place, the room number and the time to meet.

Once a week became twice, and then three times, he needed to feel, he needed that mouth around his cock to shout Sansa’s name while he was coming. He needed it. It became an addiction, and the more he checked Sansa’ s blog updated with new bits of her wonderful, newly life, the more he inflicted himself the pain he deserved.

Because that was pain, he could dream to have her in his arms, to have her with him again, but after that minute, the realization another girl was giving him pleasure was right there to hit him and to let him suffer afterwards.

He hated it and needed it at the same time. He was sick and alone in his filthy world.


	12. Chapter 12

_“Valentina says:_

_First of all, I love your creations Sansa! I’d buy everything, I hope you’ll sell your own line one day!_  
_btw the man in your pics looks like Jaime Fucking Lannister!! HOT AF”_

Sansa giggled, comments like that one were increasing day after day, just as much as the views on her blog. Valentina though was the first one to notice the resemblance with Jaime, well he was Jaime indeed, which means they were getting caught. After that comment, Sansa was sure and scared as well about the upcoming comments. People would start noticing the similarity and sooner or later, they’d recognize him and realize that was actually him.

Jaime to her surprise didn’t react badly, he was calm, very tranquil.

“why aren’t you mad?” she asked him as she was sitting on the sofa of Jaime’s apartment in Dorne

he heaved “I knew there was a possibility, you may try to hide it, but your blog traffic has been increasing, among hundreds of people from all over Westeros and beyond, someone would realize it. You never thought about it?”

“I did. I guess, deep down I wanted it. I love the idea of you being a part of this” she admitted “I suppose I don’t care anymore if people will point a finger at me, you’ve helped so much and I don’t wanna hide it” a confession mostly to herself

“It’s great to see you so happy and comfortable with our friendship”

“oh come on Jaime, it’s not friendship, you know that” she moved her laptop form her legs on the sofa and turned towards him “ I remember”

Jaime was taken aback, he truly had no idea what she was talking about “remember what?”

“I tried to kiss you that night, I was drunk and the whole night is still kinda fuzzy, I remember the almost kiss though”

“oh I supposed you forgot about it”

“I remember your words, you didn’t take advantage of me” she laid her hand on his knee

“it wasn’t right”

“you could have though, you had it right there and you didn’t take the chance”

“If this” pointing at the two of them “is going to be something one day, if you’re ever going to have feelings for me, I want to make it right”

She smiled and got closer to him, just a few inches away and put her hand on his cheek. He looked at her intensely, his eyes wandering searching for something, a confirmation and he did have it. She leaned and kissed him lightly on the lips, it was a chaste kiss that meant more than words could explain.

He wrapped his arm around her hip and took her lips with his own, deepening their kiss. Their tongues made contact and she felt a shiver passed along her spine, she wrapped her arms around his neck and tightened her grip in need of contact. The kiss became sloppy, wetter, greedy, she was feeling like a teenager kissing her crush for the first time.

“let’s slow down” Sansa interrupted the much heated kiss

“sorry I…” he was clearly in a euphoric state

“it’s not your fault, actually yeah because you are…urgh you are amazing and I want you” she was panting

“but let’s take it step by step” he added

“exactly” though she was containing herself from kissing him again “I have to go” she said to stop from jumping all over him

She felt exhilarated, a new kind of energy flowing in her body. In that moment the world was at her feet, she could do anything and nothing would stop her. Nothing.

 

_“Roxana says:_

_You can’t post pics of this handsome man and keep us in the dark! What’s his name??? is he rly Jaime God Himself Lannister???”_

  
_“Amy says:_

_Sansa I love you, I’ve been following you since the first day and I’m gonna tell you, you need to market your clothing line, I wan it NOW! Is that man in the pics your boyfriend? the Jaime Lannister lookalike is you bf???”_

_“Sansa replies:_

_I’m not planning in selling my clothing line now, but I’m working on it. Thank you for following me :) to the last question: sorta._  
_XO Sansa”_

  
How to reply to Roxana? and to all the other people asking about him? “hey he’s Jaime Lannister and I’m in a sort of in a relationship with him?” “yeah he’s Jaime Lannister, idk what we are, but we kissed once”

She kissed him. They kissed and It was amazing.

“do you ever wonder what Jon would think about this?” Gilly snapped her out of her thoughts. She was right beside her as they were updating Sansa’s blog at Lyanna’s

“what has Jon to do with this?” Sansa frowned

“one day this thing you have will come out and when I say “come out”, I mean it will be of public display. Jon will know”

“Should I care?” Sansa asked blatantly

Gilly shrugged “he’s a jerk, a cheating idiot, but he’s still your ex after all”

“If he’ll ever know, he’ll just know. It’s my life and I don’t make decisions because of him, we’re not together anymore, it’s over”

Sansa had never been this sincere with herself in a long time, especially about Jon and their relationship. It was definitely over, she was in a new place of her life and it was getting better and better, Jon was the very last of her thoughts and she had no time to ponder over his possible hurt feelings in seeing her with Jaime. He did worse while they were still together, whereas she was no cheater, no liar, just a girl going on with her life, mending the damage he had done. And she was being successful.

“good I love the sound of this song!” Gilly whistled

“were you testing me?”

“Nooo…sort of….maybe. yes I was testing you and I’m so happy. I sort of can get when you’re lying and now you’re not”

“I’m over him for good. I wasn’t even thinking about him, I haven’t for very long and it feels good”

“ok let’s focus on something else: the marketing thing, are you really working on it?”

“I wish. Lately many girls have been asking me about it, but I can’t afford to cover the requests, I need a sponsor or a deal with clothing fashion retailer, but it’s kinda too soon”

“In two months you gained many followers, under every posts they’re begging you to see your brand. I bet sponsors and retailers are coming, your nam will e be known everywhere!!”

Sansa heavily sighed

“what’s that?” Gilly asked her

“I feel so lucky, it’s a dream come true”

“you’re talented and yeah maybe a bit lucky. I didn’t know you before but it seems you made a huge step and I’m just happy for you”

Sansa was happy for herself, scared about what was coming ahead of her but happy nonetheless. She told Gilly and her aunt about the kiss, it was senseless to hide it from them, they were skeptical about it, but she reassured them they weren’t in a relationship yet. Slow was the key word to describe what they had, but it was weird to define what was coming for them, it had been a day since the kiss and her body was telling her to go to him and kiss him again, but her heart, or better her brain, was telling her not to and was even wondering what would be like to see him again in a few days after he comes back from Pyke. How will she greet him? what does he expect her to do? what should she expect from him? it’s all complicated and exciting and new.

_“I hope you’re having a great day, sweetie. Looking forward to see you Sunday and spend they day together. I got a surprise ;) “_

He texted her and she melted. he was way too perfect, way too patient, way too everything. How come she goes from someone like Jon to someone like Jaime? another league, another brand.

 

* * *

 

_“Leah says:_

_shit! Sansa you can’t fool us, he’s Jaime and you seem so close, god I envy you so much!!!”_

  
_“Mendy says:_

_if you’re really screwing Jaime Lannister, you’ll lose all my respect. You just a bitch and gold digger”_  
  
_“Jenna replies:_  
  
_SO? she can be with whoever she wants to! doesn't change she’s talented!! and if that’s rly him I can totally see what he sees in her. Lucky man!”_

  
Jon never missed a post or a comment, everybody was convinced he was Jaime Lannister, he had to looked him up on google to read about him. He managed to compare the pics on the internet with the ones Sansa posted and there was a resemblance, it was suspicious that she always covered his face, most probably a way to hide his identity.

This Jaime was a man no one could compete with: wealthy, educated, well-read and so handsome that only Robb could surpass him. They looked very close and comfortable around each other, there was an insanely amount of chemistry that could be detected in their pics.

He was jealous and suffering for a relationship he wasn’t even sure was afoot. If this is the pain taking over him after seeing a bunch of photos of her with a guy he doesn’t even know, that she has every right to be with, what was the pain he caused to her? he can’t possibly imagine, fathom her heartbreak and yet there she was, happy and dealing with the damage he had done to her. She recovered, she was stronger than him, better than him. In each pic she posted, she radiated an aura of contentment, of joy, of freedom; she was beautiful beyond words.

He had her. He had all of her. And he lost her. But losing her wasn’t his biggest regret.

To have her and not showing her how much he loved her, for making her feel unappreciated, for taking her for granted throughout their whole relationship, for not encouraging her in following her dreams, for being the reason she got stuck in Winterfell, for unjustifiably taking almost three years of her life, for making her believe through his own actions that she was rebound girl and not the woman he loved. All of this would be his biggest regret. He wished he could tell her, just to let her know, to apologize, to say “sorry for disrespecting you”, but he knew it’d never happen.

And now what could he conceivably do in his life? What was his purpose? Was there even something he excelled at? was there a single thing in his messy, fucked up life that was worthy? Other than pay a prostitute to pretend in his sick mind to have Sansa right beside him, could he make anything else and use the money for a much better activity? Short answer: no. There was nothing for him, he could dream of a better life, but he didn’t have it, he’d never have it. He’d never be as strong as his own father, he was no Rhaegar, his beloved father who would be so disappointed in him if he were there with him.

Jon came to the realization that he had to stay away from anyone, otherwise he’d bring them with him in his self-destruction and no one deserved it. That’s why he kept meeting Ros, she wasn’t truly part of his life and didn’t do any damage to her as she had accepted to do as he liked. It was the reason why he kept calling her, she gave him the kind of pleasure he needed in return of money, a deal great enough for the kind of man that he was.

 

* * *

 

  
“How do you think Jon is doing?” Arya and Robb were in the kitchen of their parents’ house

“no idea, I haven’t heard from him since he’s moved to Kingsgrave"

“I thought, maybe after you visit Sansa, you’d go check on him”

he shook his head

She sighed “I’m still very disappointed. He hurt our sister and there’s a part of me that knows It’s never going to be the same with him, but I just wanna be sure he’s ok”

“then call him”

“It’s not the same thing. Ugh Will you ever talk to him again?”

“maybe, in years”

“that’s a long time Robb”

“what are you trying to do Arya? he’s gone, he’s out of our lives” Arya didn’t expect all that harshness inn his words

“it’s weird. If I recall better, you helped him right after he cheated, when no one wanted to talk to him, not even Dad!!!” she raised her voice

“it was a bloody mistake, ok? Sansa was in a bad shape for him, he slept with Ygritte again because of some of her mind tricks about us not being his family, about Sansa as rebound. He’s a weak asshole, let him stay alone where he is” the last sentence was almost whispered

“I know, but I can’t be an insensible bitch for too long. He can’t be one minute like a big brother and the next one he’s no one, I’m not like that”

“Arya, if you want it so much, go by yourself”

“like mom or dad would ever give me the permission to go South alone. They forbid me to go visit Sansa last month!”

“come with me and maybe I’ll think about going to Jon, for just a couple of hours and check if he’s alright”

she rolled her eyes “someone like always is forgetting I have school”

“I’ll tell mom, she won’t say no to me” he smiled to his little sister “oh and Sansa apparently has big news for us” he told her before going back to work

“great! let’s hope she’s not with some old psychopath or worse, back with Jon or I’ll kill her” she told herself

 

* * *

 

The room was damp, moist, whimpering noises echoing, the smell of sex reeking from the bed.

Jon was above Ros thrusting inside her, his eyes closed, his face scrunched in pain “ah I can’t do this” he abruptly got out of her and sat on the side of the bed

“it happened before, we’ll find another way” she reassured him

It was true. After the first two weeks of exclusively oral sex, he couldn’t do it anymore. It started off with very late ejaculations and ended up with the lack of erection, it was satisfying at first, closing his eyes or the view of red hair bobbing under him, but it wasn’t enough. That’s when Ros had the idea of actual sex, he wasn’t very keen on doing it, but he gave it a try to feel again and he got hard in the very second he imagined the walls gripping him were Sansa’s.

The magic was gone again. Maybe it was time to end it, to put a stop to this play, filthy, disgusting game of his mind, to this addiction of his.

“do you wanna try something else? is there something Sansa usually did that you liked?” she asked

“please, don’t say her name”

“listen, I’m a call girl. You call me, tell me what to do and you pay me for that. That’s what I do best, I don’t usually question my clients, but are you sure of this?”

“why are you asking me?”

“you’re different from any client I ever had. You’re not one of the typical men who come to me and ask me to do things their wives or girlfriends wouldn’t give them, you’re not here for the pleasure. I’m no shrink, but it’s clear you want this for the pain”

“and even if it was so? what changes? is it of any problem to you?”

“it’s not a problem, but it’s not working anymore because I’m not her” she huffed “since when have I begun giving insights?” she whispered to herself

“you made me feel something for a little while, now I feel nothing. It’s frustrating”

“you don’t feel the pain anymore, that’s great actually other than the fact that you shouldn’t be so depressed about it”

“I deserve to suffer, I want pain”

She could play shrink again, but she’s a hooker and she wants the money. He wanted pain? he was going have a little taste of it.

“I could provide it to you” she mischievously smiled

He looked at her confused and worried, so she made it clear “it’s not bdsm, believe me I did that kinda stuff and you’re not that type, you wouldn’t like it”

“and what is that?”

“just a bit of pain with my own hands and my fantasy, you have to trust me”

she turned his head to look at her behind his shoulders “do it”

“then you’ll have to follow my orders” she warned him as she crawled towards him, licked his shoulders “i want you to feel pain Jon” and she bit him her leaving a first mark

“now lie down, stay still, don’t you dare move and let me do my job”

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

This time Robb booked plane tickets to go to Sansa, aunt Lyanna picked them up at the airport and got home before Sansa finished her shift at the shop.  
She was supposed to have a class in the afternoon, but decided to skip it to stay with her siblings

Lyanna was glad to have her niece and nephew with her, it had been too long since the last time the whole family spent the summer with her and she truly missed them.

Arya and Sansa never had the most idyllic relationship, they ofter bickered over stupid stuff and kept Robb, and even Jon, busy to separate them from tearing each other down, nonetheless they loved each other immensely

“I missed you so much” Arya said as she tighly hugged Sansa

“missed you too baby sister. Sooooooo how is it going?” Sansa winked at her

Arya huffed “seriously? you wanna talk about it?”

“talk about what??” Robb was genuinely confused

“about someone called Gendry” Sansa whistled

“a guy? Arya! a guy? how come I didn’t know anything?????”

Arya shot an angry glance at Sansa “in front of him Sansa? reminder: we still live under the same roof”

Sansa chuckled “oh come on, since when have you been the Drama Queen of the family? I lived under the same roof with him as I was dating…” she stumbled on the last word that was naturally coming out of her mouth

Lyanna chimed in after noticing the sad look on her face “so kids, what you wanna do today?”

“beach, beach, beach” Arya repeated

Robb rolled his eyes “that’s all you can think about? beach?”

“you may love the freezing cold of the north, but I’d like sun's heat of the South ” she retorted

“it’s not that hot now, but still better than the North. I’ll take her if you two don’t want to come” Lyanna offered

Sansa frowned “promise to stay with me tonight?” she asked her little sister

“promise and I’ll tell you all about Gendry” she winked

 

After Lyanna and Arya left for the beach, Robb and Sansa remained alone 

“so? what’s new?” Sansa asked him

“nothing much, same old job, same old life. Same girlfriend if you’re interested to know” he chuckled

“love to hear Missandei is still very much at top of the list of pretender for future sister-in-law” she joked

there was awkward silence,they both didn’t intend to bring up the huge, gigantic elephant in the room, but one of them had to and Robb wound up being the one

“If you’re guessing, I haven’t heard from him since he left”

she nodded “Mom told me about Kingsgrave, so you don’t know if he still lives there?”

“Arya called him a few days ago to ask him the address, he’s in Kingsgrave”

Sansa headed towards the kitchen to take a glass of water,she suddenly felt her throat quite dry

“are you planning to go to him?” she asked after taking a sip of water

He deeply heaved “Arya wants to go, I’m just doing her a favor”

“Oh come on Robb. Don’t tell me you don’t wanna see him, he’s been your best friend since…forever”

“he was my best friend. Things change” he pointed out

Sansa was bewildered by his stoicism “I don’t understand, I told you not to choose sides. You’ve been by my side and you helped him as well. I don’t get what’s changed, I knew this’d be hard for you, he’s Jon after all, but damn Robb I really don’t get you now”

“I was an idiot to help him. I should have been loyal to you since that night you came to me and I chose him instead” he shook his head in discomfort

“you didn’t. You were with me, but your help, mom’s or dad’s it wasn’t what I needed and you know it. I came here for a purpose, for myself”

“He’s the reason you ran away”

“It might sound like I ran away, but as much as I love our home, our family, you I needed a place to find myself. I’m doing things, stuff I never opted for, never thought were possible for me anymore. I’m happy here, Robb” it was time to explain Robb why she was in Dorne and why she needed it

“we held you back, that’s what you’re saying” he lowered his eyes, feeling guilty 

“no, do not ever think that. Mom and Dad always gave me everything I needed, they gave me the chance to go to college, to move and fulfill my dreams, I was the one who didn’t take that chance and it was right in front of me. It’s all my fault. No one has anything to do with this, just me”

“you’re forgetting about someone else” he pointed out

she sighed “i don’t know Robb. I was stupid enough to think that a life with Jon was enough for me, I was stubborn and very in love. I didn’t see straight and ended up in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t ready, who needed time to be alone in a moment where I was more in love with him than with myself”

“alright, but you can’t excuse him for what he did"

“I’m not, he hurt me and If I look back, It’s still very painful. I just..I’ve reflected a lot about these past few years, about my choices and right now I’m more aware than ever that my love for him blinded everything else. It wasn’t healthy, I wanted to be with him so much that I lost myself, or actually, I never got know me, who I can be, what I can be, the woman I can become. It can be hard for you to understand because you’re not here to see this chance with your own eyes, but..”

“I do understand. I may not be here, but I know. I hear you on the phone everytime, I see you now with my eyes and you're radiant now” he smiled, sincerely smiled

“anyway, I don’t wanna talk anymore about the past. I have big news!!"

"so you told me and.."

"You know that I’m in college and I got a job in a shop, but I felt like doing something else for my career. Well...I’ve come up with a new idea: a fashion blog”

“a fashion blog? as in you’re now one for those fashion bloggers posting thousands of pics a day of themselves?”

“exactly, It’s been almost three months”

“what?? why didn’t you tell us???” his mouth agape, indignant of this new info

she put her hands defensively “just wanted to be sure about it, which leads me to what’s the biggest kinda news here: I’ve been gaining many followers and requests of selling my line are increasing day after day, so..”

“are you gonna sell your own clothing brand????????”

“not yet! let me finish! I’m still not as famous as other fashion bloggers, I still don’t have a name basically. it’s gonna take a while, but I believe this is the right path”

“that’s great, more than great. My lil sis going big!!!”

“yeeaaaah” she jumped up and down clapping her hands in excitement "don't tell Arya! I wanna deliver her the news, she's so gonna mock me for that"

Robb laughed, he was truly happy to see his little sister was doing great

 

* * *

 

   
Sunday night, same hotel, same room, same damp air mixed with the smell of smoke. Ros wasn’t the bondage type of hooker, she had tried it, but decided it wasn’t for her. For this client though, she would have done an exception, using ropes and hurt someone with her own nails and slaps wasn’t too hard and not too extreme, hoping he would feel the kind of pain he yearned for.

The first time it was “light”, if that was the right term to use for such activity. Now it was time to hit a little harder, maybe to leave some mark that would take a little longer to heal and let the ropes come into action. She had a series of floggers in her suitcase, she brought them with her to use it in a pinch.

He had his chest bare “no signs left from last time” she stated as she was watching him undressing

“and not hurting that much” he added

“I brought something, but I need you to tell me if it’s alright for you” she kneeled and she took out one of her leather floggers, with thin falls and squared ends “there are many types, I can’t say this is for beginners, not that I am one, but it fits your necessity”

“does it hurt?”

“It stings only if I want to. I know how to use it, I know how to increase your endorphins and how to injure with this, which means I can do both on the same person” and she certainly knew how to explain such things and being sensual at the same time

“that same person is right here” he was dead serious

She smirked, unzipped her tight dress and shimmied out of it “right then. Go facing the wall, put your hands high against it and lean just a little bit. Stay right there, do not move a inch”

He did as she instructed and the first lash arrived right on his buttocks...

 

Two hours later he was smoking on the tiny balcony outside the room of the hotel, it was his ritual after his time with Ros, lean against the railing wondering what Sansa would be doing in that very moment, whether the Starks were having dinner together like very sunday night while he was getting himself tortured by a prostitute. That time though, he was feeling actually physical pain, his skin reddened by the huge amount of flogging that happened that night, his back was pinching and bruising like it was on fire. She did bite him again, it was her mark on him, the sign of her teeth on his shoulders and along his arms; the scratches left by her nails, so long and pointy that could cut like knives, along his chest. That night she even tied him up, leaving around his wrists slight marks that were almost imperceptible to the naked eye, but searing for him. He was loathing himself for his actions, for the punishment he was inflicting to himself. It wasn’t about the release anymore, it wasn’t about dreaming of Sansa right there with him to fool himself for a minute. It was about the physical pain, only physical pain to suffer more and more and he was clueless where all of that was taking him to.

He showered, got dressed and headed home where he found the surprise he didn’t expect. Arya and Robb waiting for him outside the entrance of his flat complex.

“We’ve been calling you for an hour” Robb tackled him as Jon was stepping towards them after parking his car

shit, he hadn't checked his phone in the last few hours, not that anyone except for Sam would call him or text him “sorry, I didn’t check my phone”

“Hey Jon” Arya awkwardly waved at him

“Hi Arya, I wasn’t excepting you”

“there was a reason why I asked you the address”

“you could have told me, I wouldn't have let you wait for me outside for so long”

“we weren’t…really sure we’d come” she stuttered “that’s why I didn’t tell you”

he absent-mindedly nodded “let’s go inside”

“I’m good here” Robb barked out at him

“don’t be an ass, can you behave a bit decently for a couple of hours?” Arya couldn’t do it anymore with her brother’s resentment

He snorted, but nodded eventually

 

Sitting on the couch of Jon’s apartement, Arya kept fidgeting with the sleeves of her hoodie “it’s a nice apartment, have you been living here all along?”

“yeah since I’ve moved here, tiny apartment but it’s doing it for me alone. Is everything ok in Winterfell?” he politely asked, although he really didn’t wanna know about life back in his old home

“same life, nothing has changed really. We’ve come here to check on you, see if you need anything, how’s your life” she bit he lower lip, a sign of nervousness that Jon recognized all too well

“everything is fine” he said while fretfully stretching out the sleeves of his shirt to make sure his wrists were covered. He only had a long-sleeved shirt on and felt naked, like one of his marks would catch their eyes sooner of later 

“see Arya? no need to worry about him, let’s go” Robb stood up

Jon was accepting Robb’s rage, he didn’t move or say anything at all “I wanna stay here for a while”

“we’re going home, I’ve had enough of him already” Jon had never seen Robb behaving that way with him, never throughout their whole friendship. He wouldn’t admit it to himself, but it was tough to stomach it.

Arya was at lack of words for her brother’s behaviour, how could he not perceive that Jon was visibly not fine like he wanted them to believe? There was something off about him, he wasn’t the Jon she used to know, he was emanating anxiety, unrelentingly tapping his foot, keeping the edge of his sleeves down hiding his own hands, his voice slightly trembling as he talked, his dark almost black eyes staring at her like she was void. He was a mess and it was destroying her to see him that way

“I said no” she harshly responded “If you want to go, then go. I’ll stay here”

“she can stay for the night, I’ll book her a plane ticket for tomorrow” Jon was trying to be helpful and not let the siblings fight

“what? no way, you lady come with me”

Jon couldn’t deal with him anymore “I get you’re angry with me, but you can’t treat your sister like that”

“you of all people shouldn’t talk! I’m not letting my sister near you” Robb shouted

“what am I to you Robb? a monster? you won’t even let Arya stay with me? am I that horrible?”

“you are. You’re disgusting, you’re an asshole. You don’t deserve a thing, you don’t deserve Sansa, never deserved her, you don’t deserve my family!” he shouted

“I used to be part of the family” he retorted with fury

“you’re not family!” he pushed Jon against the coffee table and punched him on the nose “you never will be” he was about to pummel him again, but Jon stopped his fist while he kept his bleeding nose with the other hand

“STOP IT!! STOP” Arya shouted in despair

Robb calmed down for a a second, but them shoved him once again and Jon fell on the floor “I’ve always been by your side, always. I loved you like a brother, I always warned you about ygritte, always told you that bitch would ruin you one day and she did because you didn’t listen to any of us!! and you brought Sansa in that mess with you because she was stupid enough to love you and I was a dumbass for not stopping her” Robb's face flushing from anger

Arya for a moment got scared of her brother, but took control of the situation “ROBB! YOU GET OUT NOW AND GO HOME. I’LL TAKE CARE OF HIM AND DON’T YOU EVEN BREATHE A SINGLE SYLLABLE OR I’LL KICK YOUR ASS AND I SWEAR YOU DON’T WANT ME TO”

He looked back at her, after a few minutes he got his control back "be back by tomorrow night" and he flew away

She stepped toward Jon, helped him getting up “now let’s see if the nose is broken and then we’ll talk”

“there’s nothing to talk about, he hates me” he said as he was sorely sitting on the couch

“not about him, about you. There’s something wrong with you, you can’t fool me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first I wrote the chapter with more descriptions of Ros and Jon's encounters, but it didn't feel right to be that meticulous about it.
> 
> tumblr: nabilawrites


	14. Chapter 14

“so what is going on here?” Arya was sitting on the booth right in front of Jon as he kept a pack of frozen peas on his nose

“everything is alright, all is normal here”

“well I need more explanation than that, I don’t exactly know what is your definition of normal”

“Arya, what do you think i’m doing? I have a new life here, I got an apartment, a job and a few friends”

“and then why I don’t believe you?” she asked scrutinizing his face

he scoffed “maybe I’m just a different person than you remember, maybe I’ve changed”

“yeah you have, doesn’t make it right. You look wasted away, weak, lost. Do you want me to be honest? you look like garbage” she spitted out

he chuckled “I’m sorry that after months of radio silence my condition is not pleasing you. Luckily for you by tomorrow you’ll be out of my life and you won’t have to worry” he snidely commented, feeling his blood boiling as Arya demanded explanations she didn’t have any right to ask

Arya was taken aback and didn’t know how to respond at first “I won’t be out of your life. I worry about you, I’ve been worried since you moved here, but it’s been hard even for me”

“I know it’s been hard for all of you! Do you believe I don’t think about it every single day? I made a terrible mistake and I’m dealing with it my own way. You don’t get to come here and question me” his horse voice aggravated by his shouting

“I’m not sorry for not coming before”

“I never asked you that. I never asked any of you”

“but I’m here now” she clarified “so I’m going to ask you again. What is going on here?”

He stood up to head to the kitchen “I’m not gonna repeat myself”

she grabbed him by the wrist to stop him, in that tiny second she felt grazed skin under her touch. She didn’t have time to properly see it after Jon forcefully pushed away from her, but she was sure his skin was slightly abraded.

It was nothing. It could have been nothing, but all points were directing her to something more serious. It could have been a scrunch that he used for his man bun, but they usually left a slight mark that would go away in a short amount of time. But does Jon wear his man bun anymore? she didn’t even remember him ever having a scrunch around his wrist.

Why was she overthinking about something so little? why was she so concerned? she had to trust her instinct and insist.

She scoffed and reached him in the kitchen, standing right at the entrance “tell me Jon. Please. You’ve been alone in this place, but I’m here right now and I worry so much about you. We all worry about you”

“oh yeah? didn’t seem like it when Robb hit me in the face” he replaced the defrost peas with cubes of ice to lay on his sore nose

“You need to give him time”

“time for what? to cope with the fact that I cheated on Sansa? or to cope with the fact that I doubted your family? what’s the truth behind his actions?” He didn’t understand Robb anymore. Why was he violent to him? Was doubting the Starks much worse than cheating on his sister? Was it really that unforgivable?

“It’s both. He only said it to me and Missandei, he was so hurt that he barely could talk about it. You were his best friend, his confidant, his brother. I can’t blame him for being that hurt”

“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to question you”

“but you did. We were family Jon! It took her two seconds for her to talk that she managed to put into question Sansa and our family! why was it that easy Jon? why??? why would you even cheat on the person who loved you the most in this world?? it’s been months and I still can’t figure out why it was so damn easy” she raised her hands in frustration and huffed

“was I really family?” He asked all of a sudden

“yeah you were!”

“I wasn’t” he stated “it was a delusive idea, but I never was. Not with you mother launching me deadly stares everytime I entered your home, not every single time I went back home to be all alone and no one to be with. There’s always been a part of me that didn’t belong to your family” he shouted letting out these thoughts that had always clouded his mind for the first time

“and that’s why you dated Sansa? to be more part of the family???” she insinuated

“NO. Don’t you ever think that! After Ygritte and I broke up, Sansa and I became closer and it wasn’t just like you and I, like siblings. It was more. I felt it”

“for her it’d always been more than siblings” that was the truth. It had never been Jon and Sansa, two people who see each other as siblings. It might have taken time for Jon to realize it, but that had been Sansa’s ruin.

“I know”

“oh now you know? after spending years blinded because you were dating that skinny bitch?” Arya, as the rest of the family, couldn’t stand her and always found a way to insult her in front of Jon, even when they were still together years before.

“anyway, I’m not here to talk all about the past. Sansa has a new life, she’s happy and she’s doing great. I was hoping for you the same, but clearly something is off”

He heavily breathed “I’ll prepare the bed for you , I’ll sleep on the couch”

“Jon!” she grabbed his other wrist, this time on purpose. She felt again the scraped skin under her fingers

“Arya, don’t. I just need to go to sleep now” she nodded

 

* * *

 

 “It was nice to have them here” Lyanna was truly happy for Robb and Arya’s visit

“they took the news of the fashion blog quite well” Sansa smiled as she was rewriting some of her notes for the next day lesson

“you didn’t tell them about Jaime” she stopped washing the dishes to face her niece

“there’s nothing to say now”

“you sure? I wouldn’t say a kiss is nothing” she pointed out

“we kissed once, we’re not together, we’re nothing right now. Besides, I had to see him today, but I cancelled our plans”

“oh so you had to see him, after a few days since your kiss. What do you think his intentions are?going back to follow you around like a puppy? He’d want more”

“I told him I wanna take it slow”

“yeah but how slow?? Sansa open your eyes! he’s older than you, he’s been in your life for months now and he wants more from you”

“I don’t know if I want a relationship now! I like him and he’s nice, gentle, he worries about me, but I don’t want a relationship”

Lyanna calmed down a bit “then be honest with him because that’s what he wants from you and he never made it a mystery”

Sansa rolled her eyes at the obvious statement “what should I tell him? that I want just a friendship? friends with benefits? I know he wants more, but he’s willing to wait”

Her aunt tilted her head in question “and how long do you think he’ll wait? years?”

“that’s not up to him to decide”

Sansa was making no sense and she felt the need to intervene “you’re acting quite childish right now. Be responsible, be honest, be a grown up woman. You can’t play with him and his feelings. He showed he can be trusted, then show him the same. Show him you’re mature enough to let his pining be over”

“what if I don’t want him out of my life?”

“You’re selfish. He’s helped you so much, he gave you a sort of help you know I don’t share, because he could ask you something back one day and I don’t like it. But if you’re the one who wants to go on with this, then you’re the one to blame, you’re the one who’s selfish here”

Sansa furrowed her brows “if you’re suggesting that I owe him anything, you’re wrong”

Lyanna crossed her arms to give herself patience “ok let’s say you don’t owe him anything. Do you still want him to be part of this new world you’re creating for yourself? do you want to be recognized as a gold digger? because that’s what people are gonna think of you. A gold digger, a young girl interested in Jaime Lannister’s wealth to make herself a name in the business”

Sansa mulled over her aunt’s words. She wasn’t wrong “I just..I like to have him as part of this. You’re right, I know you’re right. I thought about his involvement thousands of times. But I like him, I like his presence”

“you don’t need him though. I’ve seen you in these last few months and you’re thriving Sansa. You don’t need a man. And if you’re not ready for a relationship, you have to be honest with him and let him go before it’s too late”

 

She thought about it that night, she called Gilly to discuss the problem and as she imagined her friend agreed with her aunt. Neither of them ever denied their concern of Jaime’s presence in her life, but Sansa was sure of her decision and they respected it. Now it was time for Sansa realize she had to undertake this new path all alone. As much as she loved his presence in something so exciting of her life, as much as he pushed her to make her dreams come true, he had to stay out of it. She needed to do it alone, without him, without his help. But what would that mean for their relationship? would he take it badly? He was an adult man, he’d understand or at least that’s what she was hoping for.

  
They had agreed to meet the following week, as soon as he had a day to drop his duties and be in Dorne.

He did eventually and met her for lunch in between lessons. She saw him right outside campus, waiting in his car, her heart beating faster, her hands sweating as she was trying to play in her head once again how their first meeting would be after their first kiss.

  
She opened the door and he greeted her with a big smile, she swallowed and got on the car. It wasn’t proper to start the conversation with “Hi Jaime, we need to talk. I don’t want a relationship now”. Worst idea ever. It was better to play normal with him and have the conversation later.

Later ended up being after lunch.

They were on his car parked in quiet place outside her campus. As she finally felt like the good amount of time had passed for her to speak up, Jaime interrupted her

“Sansa, we need to talk” She panicked. She was sure he’d ask her to be more than friends, he’d want more from her, she couldn’t blame him for that.

“I’ve been thinking about our relationship and how it’s evolving and I’m not going to lie anymore, I want more”

“Jaime, I…”

“I’m aware you’re not ready. When I see you, I want to kiss you, to hug you, strolling with you hand in hand, without caring of what others will say. But I know I can’t. You’re coming out from a hard time of your life, you’re just starting a new one, you have a thousand things to do and no one of this involves me” he quietly said

“this is not true” she lied

“I don’t want me, my name to be in your way. I was selfish when I asked you on a date, it is selfish of me to tell you what I want from you, but I can’t keep secrets, I can’t hide. I have feelings for you, but it’s impossible right now” how he could sound so comfortable and confident saying those words, was an enigma to her

“I know” she nodded lowering her eyes “I’m not ready for a relationship. I want to find out who I really am, who I can be without any man by my side”

“and you deserve this”

“but I want to let you know you’ve helped me so much and I’m grateful for that” she bitterly smiled, realizing in that moment that what they were having was a final goodbye

He sweetly stared at her with those intense green eyes and for the first time she perceived a sense of sadness perspiring

“what are we gonna do?” she asked interrupting that brief moment

“I’ll let you become the woman you dream to be and when you’re gonna be ready, I’ll be here if you want me” he stretched his arm and caressed her hand

“how can you be so sure? You could find someone else”

he heaved “I tried many times to find someone, my relationship attempts have been miserable. You’re the one I’ve had feelings for in a long time, you made me feel and believe in love again and I’ll always be thankful for that”

He leaned and kissed her lightly “take care of you, promise?” she smiled

“I promise”

He disappeared on his way to King’s Landing. She sighed, it was a mix of relief and sadness. He had feelings for her and he let her go. It was one of the most selfless gesture done by a man and as he rode off she could clearly understand it was for the best. She did care for him, but not as much as he cared for her. He had growing feelings that would turn out to be love and she wasn’t sure if she would ever reciprocate. Maybe one day they would explore that part of her, but the present she was living was not the right time.

 

* * *

 

 

Arya woke up in the middle of the night. The day had been stressful and full of events, that the words said between Jon and her were still following her around and those marks felt on his skin wouldn’t let go of her mind. It could have been anything, but something inside was telling her she had to worry about it. Her concern for him wasn’t dictated by the fact she hadn’t seen him for months. It was real. He was going through something, yet she had to still figure out what.

She got up for the sudden anxiety, she headed to the kitchen but then she saw Jon sleeping profoundly on the couch. He was wearing a long sleeves shirt, which was odd for him, especially as he was living in Dorne where it was never that cold.

She stepped closer and watched over him for a few seconds, he was laying face down and snoring. She didn’t know what she was doing or what she was looking for, she was just there in need to find a proof of anything. Perhaps she had to check his stuff but that would be too intrusive of his privacy.  
So she took the hem of the cover and slid it down, it was too dark to see anything at all, but she was persistent and lifted the hem of his shirt a bit, hoping, or not hoping actually, to find similar marks she had felt and seen on his wrists. She lightly groped for these elusive marks on his back, but there was nothing. His skin was smooth.

“what am I doing?” she whispered to herself “just let it go, it’s nothing"

She went to the kitchen to drink a glass of water and heard a noise from the living room, she ran and found Jon sitting on the couch heavily breathing “what’s going on?”

“Arya? you awake?” he closed this eyes

“yeah I couldn’t sleep, too much in mind right now” she sat beside him “I constantly think about you and I can’t shake it off that there’s something wrong”

he turned his head, it was dark but she could see the tears on his face

“I need help” it was a suffocated shriek of desperation, the final break down of a destroyed man

“what’s happening? tell me” she laid a hand on his knee to encourage him to talk

“it’s all spiraling down, I can’t go on like this. I miss Sansa, I miss her so badly, I have no one here other than one single friend, the only person in some way related to my family has retired in a better place. I’m so alone that I thought to call Daenerys” he cried out

“Daenerys? are you nuts?”

“I am. But I didn’t and I did…other things. Things you don’t have to hear”

“Jon, what are you talking about? I’m not a kid anymore! tell me”

“No, if your mother knew…”

“my mom is not here and I promise you I won’t tell anyone”

“you’re 18, you shouldn’t hear me…”

“I’m grown up. what’s that about? is that anything gross?” she asked

“no, I mean I think it’s not…it’s…about sex”

She raised her eyebrows “Dear Lord, I have sex for fuck’s sake and he’s older than me. You wanna know more? I even watch porn videos to experiment new positions and stuff like that with him. I’m not a kid anymore. You can tell me anything” it wasn’t the proper time for Jon to know about her sexual life, but that would at least get him to talk once and for all

“ok ok ok I heard enough” he didn’t want to hear anymore about her sexual life, she was still a kid in his eyes

“ok then speak”

“I called a prostitute” he admitted

“nothing so weird for a man to be honest” she truly wasn’t surprised

“I just wanted to enjoy myself that’s why I called her. Enjoy myself in my miserable life for a few minutes, that’s all it was at first.She….damn I can’t tell you this, you’re still 18”

“Jon? I had sex and made a blowjob to my boyfriend” she decided that everytime he stopped, she’d tell him something new and interesting about her sexual life with Gendry

he shivered at the thought of that “She’s a redhead and I thought of Sansa and screamed her name when…well when..”

“ok I got it. That’s kinda creepy, but understandable, I guess?”

“it got worse then. I’m making her do things to me, bad things.” he lowered his head in shame

“your wrists” she said in realization

“I let her hurt me. She causes me pain and I pay her for that”

Silence. He could only hear Arya’s erratic breathing.

“you sought pain, what’s the point of that? from enjoying yourself to feeling pain. Why?” she was trying to understand his actions, actions that in her eyes didn't have any sense, actions that were way too extreme for her

“after that single minute of pleasure, it came pain because Sansa was not there with me. Until I didn’t feel anything anymore, I felt empty, nothing inside me and the only thing I wanted was to feel the pain inflicted to me. I deserve it, Arya. I deserve to suffer”

“Oh” the only sound emitted after such harsh confession.

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t help myself” he sobbed

“I’m not sure I can either” she admitted

“I’m lost, I’m not strong enough to react. I’m nothing like my father”

She saw him writhe in agony as he said the words. She was scared of what he was becoming, of where his mind could get to, but she couldn’t let him drown in his own self-destruction. She was his sister. She had to be the family he didn’t have anymore.

“Jon you can do it. You can’t give up on yourself now, people make mistakes every single day, but we go on”

“what if I suck so much that I can’t”

“you’re gonna get help and you’re going to heal and step by step you’ll try to build a life and I promise I won’t leave you” she gripped his arm tight to let him know she was there with him

“How??? you’re going back to Winterfell to your life. I can’t allow you to be involved in my fucked up life, you’re young, you’re 18. You don’t have to see this”

“I DON’T CARE. I love you, you’re my family. I’m not gonna stay here and watch you destroy yourself. From now on I’ll be by your side, but I want you to go to a specialist, I want you to have the best aid you can get, ok?”

He nodded

“and I’ll get Robb, I’ll let him reason and he’ll be by your side despite your differences” she was determined to fix her family, to get her brother's ass back to Dorne and support Jon. 

“you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do any of this” he attempted a smile "thank you"


	15. Chapter 15

“I have to tell you Jon, you’re weird lately. What’s happening to you?” that was Sam sitting next to Jon during their lunch break a week after Arya and Robb’s visit

Jon pondered over the many things he could tell Sam, from the truth, to a semi-truth, to a complete lie followed by a fake smile, reassuring everything is like it used to be when they first met. 

“I’m..in the middle of something” was that a semi-truth? or the beginning of the whole truth? 

“is it good or bad?” Sam asked

“I guess it can be the good I need after the bad I went through. When you left I sort of…fell into a bad habit and I’m trying to get out of it” he admitted avoiding what the bad habit was

“oh, that’s…that’s good” he stuttered “I know we barely know each other, but if you…you know, you feel like confiding in me, I’m here. I don’t have lots to do, I’m a good listener, very good at it and I don’t judge..i mean, if that’s what you’re afraid of, I’m not a judgmental person” his face flushing and sweating as he was blabbering

Jon smiled at him “thanks, it means so much to have a friend, but I don’t think this is he right time to talk about it, too many people around. Besides, you can tell me all about your family’s...trip? what was that? you've come back and said nothing about it” Jon diverted the attention to Sam's problems 

Sam grimaced “not a family reunion to be thrilled of, I was stuck in my old room as my family was down in the dining room gushing over their hunting skills! it's terrible. terrible! and I heard them mocking me, apparently my love for books is old fashioned and watching tv shows is nerd stuff, can you believe that?”

“I noticed you do read a lot and you watch a good amount of tv shows" Jon pointed out 

“is that bad?”

“No? why would it be bad? people read all the time and tell them there are tons of websites for people to comment and leave opinions about the newest tv shows. Do they know about the reaction videos? They're old fashioned if you ask me" Jon knew all about the tv show golden era. Lately he had been working only on websites for bloggers that made videos and wrote articles solely about movies and tv shows.

“well…yes” he fervently nodded “they’re a bunch of dickheads, I hate my dad, he’s always considered me below him. What father makes that?”

“I wouldn’t know. As long as I remember, mine was an incredible dad, he was great and loving" he sighed, remembering the good days Raeghar was still alive

“Lucky for you! anyway, I knew someone” he jabbered

“and who’s that? where did you meet her?” Jon got interested, perhaps hearing about nice, happy, first encounters would cheer him up

“a girl I met on a dating site” 

“a dating site?” he mockingly asked

“do not mock! I’m not like you, I don’t go around and have the girls at my feet cause I look awesome, I have to rely on my knowledge and humor” Sam was aware he didn't excel at appearance, but he was sure he could conquer a girl through his interests, his cultural knowledge and his tenderness

“and? is it working?”

“It seems so. She’s so nice, she has the sweetest smile of all and she reads as well, we talk so much about our reading and she laughs at my jokes! and she lives in Dorne” he countered 

“where?”

“i dont’ know, she hasn’t told me yet, I bet she wants to be sure I’m no serial killer before meeting me”

“I don’t blame her, but you do like her! Sam has a crush on someone” he patted Sam on the shoulder. He was happy his new friend was getting what he couldn't have anymore.

“Gilly, her name is Gilly. Isn’t it a pretty name?” Jon laughed. A sincere laugh for the first time after months

“yes, it is. But…be sure you like her, treat her with respect and if you’re not ready for anything, don’t rush into it, ok?”

Don't rush into it. That sounded like a stupid advise, but it was the best advise to give someone who was about to start a relationship. Do not rush into it.

 

* * *

 

 

_“what are your intentions with my daughter?” Catelyn Stark had called Jon to speak with him in private, just the two of them to have a honest conversation_

_“we've grown closer in the last few months, I have feelings for her” his eyes staring at the floor, it was inappropriate and daft to not look right into her eyes and not behave like an adult, but the fear to be killed by her glance was real._

_She sighed “That girl broke up with you not long ago, you were very much in love. I’m no close to you, but I could tell she broke your heart. And now merely a few months later, you want to start a relationship with my daughter? how possibly could you give to her other than the memory of your ex girlfriend?” she was harsh as usual, Jon was accustomed to her rigid, stiff and commanding tone as she spoke to him_

_“I can make her happy, I don’t know what’s ahead of us, but I have strong feelings for her. I had the chance to get to know her better and she’s the best person I’ve ever met in my life” he openly admitted to her_

_“It doesn’t mean you will make her happy or as a matter of fact that you two will last. She deserves the best, she’s just got out of school, she’s clueless about what she wants from her life and if you will be by her side, you will have to support her, not hurt her. Do you understand?” she said never leaving that sternness that had always been reserved only to Jon_

_He nodded “I only wish to make her happy”_

_“alright then, I cannot say I’m glad, I wish you wouldn't rush into it, but Sansa is stubborn and no one could ever make her rethink this choice” she sounded defeated by her daughter's decision_

_Jon felt a burden on his shoulders, Catelyn would never give them their blessings, half the family didn’t say a thing about their new relationship, but he could perceive from their eyes, the quick glances thrown at them as they were holding hands, Robb’s forced smile at his sister as she was showing off her happiness that they were skeptical, to say the least._  
_Robb, his best friend, jokingly warned him to treat her like a Queen. He patted Jon on his shoulder and laughed, although his eyes weren’t laughing at all, but giving him a serious, menacing look with those blue eyes that reminded him of Sansa’s._

 

  
_“_ _you shouldn’t Robb” he heard one night after dinner, Robb and Arya were discussing in the kitchen as they were washing the dishes_

_“what would you know? you’re barely 15” he whispered_

_“what’s this to do with my age?” she retorted “do you think he’s gonna hurt her?” she asked worried_

_“I don’t know" he shook his head in discomfort "he’s Jon, he’s a good guy but he’s been through a lot, Ygritte just broke up with him and he’s kinda weak these days. I just…I have no fucking idea what to do. She's happy, I can't ruin everything because I'm worried he's gonna break her heart, she'd hate me for that”_

_“I guess we have to let them go into this and see what’s gonna happen. I don't think we have any choice, even mom accepted it, her own way, but she accepted it” Arya was just a teenager, but she was mature enough to understand the concern for the new, hopefully blooming relationship._

 

_Jon overheard that brief conversation behind the door, he was left disheartened and discouraged, the Starks were showing signs of doubts of what he and Sansa were building and worst of all, he sensed rejection and lack of support from her family. At least Catelyn had spoken up and not talked behind his back, pretending that everything was fine._

_“Jon? what are you doing?” Sansa came up behind him_

_“Nothing, just…going to Robb and Arya before going home”_

_He turned around and daintily caressed her cheek. He still couldn't believe he had her there for years and never did anything, he still couldn't believe he got stuck in a relationship that was only bringing him to misery, when Sansa was by his side all the time._

_He pressed his forehead against hers as he leaned his back against the wall and took her in his embrace “I’m sorry, Sansa. I’m truly, deeply sorry”_

_She looked up at him “what for? you didn’t do anything”_

_“for being blind all this time. I never noticed you had feelings for me, I was a jerk, you were right there in front of me and I could only think about someone else”_

_“you don’t have to feel sorry, you were in love with her and it’s ok, if someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, you can’t force them to” not just feelings, it was love. She was in love with him, but it was way too early to say it out loud, she might scare him off_

_“I do reciprocate now. Everything else is in the past now"_

_“is it? in the past? I don’t have to worry, right?” she asked, her voice a mere whisper_

_He kissed her as response “yes, it’s in the past” he whimpered as he crawled a hand under her blouse_

_“Jon, not here!!” she giggled between kisses_

_“then come home with me, stay for the night” he pecked her earlobe, whispering her all the dirty things he wanted to do to her, sending shivers down her spine._

_At times she was still speechless that the man she had dreamed for so long to touch her, was now embracing her and whispering in her ear things that had only been in her mind._

_Jon Targaryen was hers._

_She was scared though, simply because she was still a virgin and he didn’t know. How to tell him without sinking into the major embarrassment of her life?_

_'he’s gonna laugh at me' she thought_

_He didn’t laugh at her when once home she told him about her virginity. She had dated a few guys, but she wanted to wait for the right one, she wanted to experience her first time with someone special, someone she was willing to give her virginity to. In the back of her mind she knew or, better, she hoped it would be Jon. She wanted him to be her first and her last, she dreamed it to be her night, a magical moment to remember and she did have it._

_He was a true gentleman, he was tender and delicate and attentive, he made sure to have the permission to touch her, to slid off her clothes and caress her fragile, soft skin. He made sure her first time wouldn't be rough and quick like his, he didn't intend to let down her own exceptions and even though it wasn't planned, he made it seem like he had planned it._

_She was aroused and elated for what was about to happen, yet nervous and tense for she didn’t know how it felt to make love with someone and what she would be feeling like afterwards. Before everything started, she had to make something clear "I'm on the pill, just so you know", she wasn't sure if she had just killed the romance or not, but it was important to her. He smiled and just said "good"_

_He laid her down on the mattress whispering flattering words and cheek-blushing comments of her perfect body, his hands delicately roaming on her breasts and his mouth savoring the scent of her hard nipples before taking off his shirt and gently spreading her legs "may I? I won't hurt you, I promise" he asked before he dived into her folds and got a taste of her. Sansa winced as soon as his tongue made the first lick, she didn’t expect herself to tighten so fast and so soon for none other that a single lick. He looked up at her awaiting her nod to keep going, and before she even knew she instinctively arched her back, her whole body was reacting by default to Jon’s prowess with his tongue and lips. His hands were gently laid on her hips when he felt Sansa's fingers intertwining with his and she moaned "Jon!"_  
_The sensation of utter pleasure and peace washed over her as his tongue made miracles where she thought miracles couldn’t be done, until the point that those minutes of mind-blowing, eye rolling rapture peaked with a violent burst inside her, her walls pulsating multiple times and a rush of warmth spreading across her body._  
_She was left panting and speechless. It was her first time orgasming and it was Jon’s mouth that did it._

_She heard the zipper of his jeans and the rest of his clothes discarded on the ground, she was still in the midst of pure ecstasy but she had to see Jon naked. She couldn’t just let him crawl over her, she had to peer at him, peer at him fully bare and when she lightly lifted her head and then steadied herself on her elbows, her jaw dropped, she was sure she drooled at the sight of his sculpted body and his erect cock. He was hard, he just succeeded in making her come and he was hard, for her. That turned her on even more, that lit something in her, a cockiness she didn’t know was part of her “come here and take me” she gestured with her finger._

_He mischievously smiled and got on top of her and positioned himself at her entrance, but before he’d do anything he asked her whether she was sure or not “If I hurt you, tell me and I’ll stop. Trust me”, she nodded and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She was aware the first time could be painful, it was normal, just as much as it was normal to feel pleasure in the times to come and when he slowly pushed without too much force, she flinched and he stopped, but she slid her hands down on his butt and gave a small push to encourage him to continue. He did and gently shoved himself inside her, it was painful indeed, but the more he thrusted, the more he adjusted himself inside her and the more it became less uncomfortable for her to have him inside her. Jon was refraining himself from going faster and harder, it was becoming challenging to keep a slow pace until her walls suddenly gripped him tight and he felt a rush. He stared down at her and she smiled at him, nodding as if she understood he needed to pump faster inside her and she was comfortable enough to make him go a tad harder. He kissed her as he thrusted deeper and harder inside her and the moment she dug her nails into his skin and moaned, he felt the final rush and came inside her._

_They were lying on the bed under the sheets, staring at each other smiling, he took her hand and brought it up to his lips “Are you ok? I hope I didn’t hurt you”_

_“I’m fine. It was perfect”_

_"I know it wasn't long, but I promise the next times will be even better for you. It won't be painful anymore, just pleasure and you will come around me" he kissed every inch of her hand_

_The morning after, she woke up in his bed flooded by his musk scent and the smell of fresh coffee coming from the kitchen. She sat up and on the night stand on her right she found a red rose and a note "my sleeping beauty, wait for me in our bed. Don't get dressed, I'm coming in a few minutes. Jon"_

_He truly had made it the perfect first time with the perfect morning after._

 

  
“I thought you had with Jaime the best night of your life, I’m confused right now” Gilly spoke up as Sansa was telling her first time “what is that? you hate Jon so much that you removed anything good you had with him?”

Sansa sighed “It’s different. Jaime and Jon are just different. The way they talk and act around me, it’s just..”

“different, I got it” Gilly laughed

“ok maybe I was kinda overreacting with the best night of my life thing” Sansa pondered 

“with whom?”

“Jaime”

“overreacting uh? aka trying to erase every single memory of Jon out of your mind to make Jaime seem like the perfect man on earth?” she quipped

“it's not like Jaime is not perfect....” she replied 

"He may be, but you were so overacting. Being mad at Jon is not doing good to you"

"Is that so clear? Have I printed it on my face?"

“you’re not that subtle, San. Besides, you’re telling me now about your life with Jon and yeah you had your doubts, you weren’t so ready for a relationship and he had to cheat on you to break up and for you to find yourself, but it seems like you were good together, at least at first” she shrugged “but why are we still talking about it? isn’t it all in the past now? isn’t HE part of your past?”

“yeah he’s my past, it’s just nice to vent about it with a new friend though” she admitted 

“I’m flattered!! and Jon aside, I have news. I signed in to a dating site and I’ve been talking with a guy for a few weeks now, just so you know” she said it all in one breath

Sansa turned around “uh uh thank you for telling me, Miss I’m about to have a boyfriend”

she scoffed “he’s not my boyfriend”

“you blushed, you like him” Sansa stated

“well he’s cute and we have lots in common, we can talk for hours, so…I like him” she admitted

“good, I mean…you had to go for a dating site when in Sunspear you're surrounded by gorgeous men, but ok. When are you gonna meet?”

“we haven’t established anything yet, I like him, but still he’s a stranger. Meeting him alone? ugh it’s just..it’s scary”

“Sansa Stark by your side and bat. We’re ready" 

silly rolled her eyes “yeah to scare him off in case he’s actually the nice guy I’m talking with”

“ok maybe not the bat, but sunlight, place full of people, my phone ready for any call. I’m so fucking ready. Let’s meet this guy and if he’s nice, then I bet he has a friend he can introduce to me”

“Sansa…”

“what? fun time, party, drink and maybe sex? I need to get laid, Gilly. I’m about to explode”

Gilly guffawed, Sansa was a box full of surprises and this cockiness, this joy in her was new to her, new to see and she totally didn't mind it.

 

* * *

 

Jon did find the help he needed. A psychologist 30 minutes away from his apartment, Dr. Varys. He was indicated as one of the best in the field in the near area.

He got his first appointment a week after Arya flew back to Winterfell, promising her to stay more in contact and keep tabs of his improvements.

The waiting room was lovely, welcoming, though very irritating due to the two very anxious men sat close to him. He was nervous as well, fidgeting his own fingers and tapping his foot on the ground. He didn’t know what to expect, what he had to say, what he’d ask, what he would know about himself. Was he ready to give info about himself to a total stranger? that was crazy.

Absorbed in his own thoughts the secretary called out his name and pleaded him to sit in Mr. Varys’s office.

He shily entered the room. It wasn’t wide, but not that small; it was fit and comfy enough for two people to personally interact.

Dr. Varys was sitting on his armchair, a bald man, plump, very elegant, wearing glasses as he was reading documents. Jon cleared his throat to make himself known

Dr. Varys raised his eyes “oh Mr. Targaryen, I assume” he got on his feet and shook his hand

“yes I am”

“please sit, make yourself comfortable” he indicated the couch right on the other side

“do I have to lay down?”

he chuckled “as you wish, if you just wanna sit, just sit. Your choice" he smiled

Jon sat on the brown couch and heaved deeply

“So Jon Targaryen, this is our first session. You must be agitated and worried, but you don’t have to be. I won’t pressure you, this hour will serve for you to tell me whatever you want about yourself. I'd like for us to have a natural conversation”

“you let me fill out a test”

“yes, basic information about you and why you’re here. It’s normal procedure for my new clients. But right now I want you to tell me all about yourself, whatever you want” he gave a reassuring smile and took a pen ready to fill the blank page of his notebook 

He heaved deeply “ok where I begin? I’m…I was born here in Kingsgrave 25 years ago, I lost my mother when I was three, my father raised me alone till he died ten years ago. My aunt took care of me till I became of age and then she flew away with her boyfriend, I’ve been working since I was 16 and sustaining my self as soon as my aunt left me for good” He kept fidgeting his fingers, his gaze drifting from the doctor himself to the window on his left, to a second pen laid down on the crystal table that was separating them

“has there been someone in your life? someone else as family? grandparents? uncles? cousins?” the doctor inquired 

“as the Targaryens they’re all dead. I don’t have anyone, I’ve been living alone for years now. mhhhh the Starks have been very helpful”

“tell me about them” he encouraged him to tell him as much as possible about anyone that was or had been in his life

“they live in Winterfell. My father and I moved there when I was 5, my dad met Ned Stark and became very good friends, they were inseparable. I grew up with his kids, the oldest one, Robb, is…was my best friend” he grimly corrected himself

“was..so you no longer are best friends?”

“no we’re not”

“has this something to do with his sister? you wrote down that you had two relationships, one with Ygritte Wild and the last one with Sansa Stark. I assume the latter is Robb’s sister”

“right so. I..I cheated on Sansa” he closed his eyes, there was nothing worse than saying those words out loud and not being able to get rid of the guilt inside “With Ygritte. I slept with my ex”

He was about to cry, a storm of emotions crawling into him telling him he had to suffer for his actions. He didn't deserve forgiveness.

“alright. Would you like to tell me something about Ygritte? who is she?”

“we met at school, we were 13 and we became very good friends. She lost her dad before she was born and her mother raised her alone, but she doesn’t have a good relationship with her mom, it’s always been strained between them”

“so tough childhood for her as well”

“yeah, but it always seemed to me she never resented it. She just does what she wants, never asks anything to anyone, she comes and goes and that’s how she is. For a while we hung out with the same group of friends. Theon, Ramsay and Val. We were..wild, we didn’t care about anything or anyone, we went into pubs and drank and then drove drunk on Theon’s car, Ramsay ended up in a tussle quite often, he just couldn’t stay out of troubles and well…I happened to got in the midst of these tussles. The Starks were not happy about it, Robb didn’t want anything to do with them”

“did the Starks do something about it?”

“they did. Ned had been severe with me, he told me that if I continued to act out with those people, I wouldn’t be allowed to go into his house anymore. I think that was a kind of threat to me, I got scared to remain completely alone, so I did it. I gave up on them”

“do you regret it?”

“ummm no, I..got news about where they are and what they’ve been doing and I’m glad I got out in time. I’m grateful to Ned and even Robb for helping me” Jon expected to be more irked for such questions, for telling a stranger private facts of his life. As a matter of fact though, he felt at ease and more willing to open up about part of his past that he wished to erase.

“and this happened at what age?”

“until I was 19”

Dr. Varys nodded “19, but you still pursued your relationship with Ygritte anyway”

“we broke up after that for a few months because she didn’t accept my decision to quit the group. Then she called me and asked me to try again, she wanted to make something good out of her life as well and we started over”

“how did it go?”

Jon shrugged, clueless of a proper response “on and off. The longest we stayed together without breaking up was 5 months. She usually left and then came back to me and I fell for her every single time” he rubbed his hands all over his face “I even thought I’d marry her one day, she was all I had”

“all you had?”

“the Starks were family, but…there was always a part of me that always knew I’d never be a full part of them. I would always be a family friend and nothing more”

“ What was the problem?”

“that I wasn’t their son, I wasn't their sibling and Catelyn, Ned's wife, always made sure to point it out. I think she feared I’d take her children’s place in her husband's heart. I heard her once sarcastically wondering if I even wanted to change my name to Stark. But I’m a Targaryen” he threw his hands in the air, still frustrated at Catelyn’s nonsense “I have my father’s name and I loved my father, he raised me alone and took care of me. He was my everything, but I lost him and Ned was right there when I suffered the most, why doesn’t she understand? I don’t wanna steal her precious name, I don’t wanna steal anything from her!! there's nothing to steal!”

Dr. Varys was “pleased” he finally reached the point of one of the many problems he expected to come across “have you ever tried to talk to her?"

“How could I? I was scared of her. She’s only ever been kind the day my father died. She hugged me and caressed my hair and then nothing”

“did you want her to be your mother figure?”

“perhaps? I thought Daenerys would be”

“your aunt who fled away”

“that’s her. I was a burden to her, I don’t even know where she is now. Why should I care though? she only cared to leave me money when she left me. Oh and once a year she calls me to make sure everything is ok. Is that love? I don’t think so” 

Jon noticed Varys wrote a lot as he was speaking, he must have taken at least three pages of notes.

“alright, tell me about the last important woman in your life”

“Sansa” he smiled “we fell..I fell in love with her after Ygritte broke up with me for good. I found out Sansa had been in love with me for a very long time”

“you didn’t know?”

“I didn’t. I was blind, everyone told me it was clear like the sun, but I never paid attention to her. I mean, I tried. She’s the Stark child who resembles Catelyn the most and not only in looks,she's everything like her mother. We’re so different, we’re the opposite and I never knew how to talk to her. If we happened to be in the same room alone, I catalogued what kind of topics she would like to discuss, but then I shut up”

“you'd been distant for a very long time"

“yes, but there was a moment at her 16th birthday. I chose to give her my present in private, because doing it right after dinner in front of everyone seemed too much, I thought Catelyn would have killed me right there and I preferred having a private moment with her. And I swear I felt something in that moment, my heart started to beat faster than usual, I was sweating and so worried she wouldn’t like the bracelet I was about to give her. I mean, I had never felt those things for Ygritte, I had never been nervous with her, never sweated in her presence, never ever felt my heart skip a beat when she smiled, but it happened with Sansa at her 16th birthday. It happened and I just shrugged it off, because I had just got back with Ygritte”

This story, this anecdote of his own feelings that day of Sansa’s 16th birthday, Jon had never told anyone before. Not even Sansa knew. Sansa was still clueless that Jon would most likely have fallen for her years before, if he hadn’t insisted to pursue his relationship with Ygritte.

For Jon, it had made no sense to tell her, it would have hurt her even more to know he chose Ygritte over his rising new feelings for her. Hindsight, he wished he had told her. He wished she knew by now he felt something way before she ever imagined.

“I felt for her, I feel for her what I never felt for anyone. No one seemed to believe me and now I’ve given them the reason why they were right not to believe in my love for Sansa”

“how was your relationship with her?”

“we were…stable. We spent lots of time together, hanging out with Robb and his girlfriend, Missandei. Sansa decided to take a year off and look for a job instead to go to college, but they were occasional jobs, in the meantime I got a good job offer with a good salary, but I wound up being stuck in my office for over 13 hours a day and the good salary ended up being a misery compared to the working hours. I barely saw Sansa, when I was working, she was home and when I was home she was working”

“did you spend quality time together?”

“during the weekends we used to take my car and drive somewhere away from her family, but after a year and half, I noticed she was less keen to spend time with me, I was more and more tired, she looked more and more sad and I didn’t understand why”

“didn’t you think she maybe wanted a change in her life? after all she was 19? 20?”

“I mentioned her twice the idea to actually attend college in whatever she wanted to do, but she told me she was good like that and she’d find a stable job eventually. I didn't push her enough. I was a terrible boyfriend, I had to let her go and have her life. I was destroying her" he shook his head almost in tears 

“what about her family?”

“they accepted us, I always sensed a bit of awkwardness in the air because of us together, but I tried to brush it off because finally I was having a stable relationship”

“it was all about the thrill to have a stable relationship?”

“the thrill? no, it was weird at first. I had never considered a relationship to be like that. I mean, Sansa was there for me when I needed her, she called me every night before going to sleep, texted me in the morning, she wanted to know everything about my life. I had never had that, it was odd and good, but in no way I was with Sansa only for that. I love her”

Dr. Varys noticed the intensity of Jon as he was talking about Sansa, yet his face was covered with pain and regret.

“alright. That’s all for now, our hour together is over. Before going further into more details of your life, I got an assignment for you. Think about these four women in your life, what they have in common, if there’s something that associates one with the other and try to make your conclusions. You’ll tell me next time”

"are we going to discuss about them?"

"depends on your own conclusions. We sure need to talk about the reasons why you cheated on Sansa and why the relationship went wrong"

 

 

 


End file.
